An Idiot Abroad

The bucket list...

See the glaciers before they melt.

Go on an African safari.

Encounter the world's largest mammal.

The ultimate things to do before you die.

Or are they?

If I was on my deathbed,

there's no way I'd want to be climbing Kilimanjaro.

It's not things to do a few minutes before you die.

It's things to do in your life.

Easy, boys. Easy, boys!

It's difficult. He was so suspicious after the last time.

Oh, Jesus!

We've told him that he gets to choose from the list

whatever he wants to do.

It's like Romeo and Juliet.

But that doesn't mean that there won't be a few treats in store

that he's not expecting.

This is a man who's reluctant.

This is a man who doesn't want to do these things.

No. Let it happen. No.

It's making Karl do things

that other people want to do before they die.

Exactly, yeah. This isn't his list.

You fucking twats!

Route 66 I've heard of. It's alright.

Travelling along Route 66.

What is it? Just driving down it, having a look?

Well, it's a long one. It's 2,500 miles.

One of America's first highways.

The thing that worries me is

is it America who's made this seem like it's a good thing to do?

What do you mean? I just think they're more excitable.

When I was in Disneyland, I went past some fruit on a boat.

Three old women getting excited about an eggplant, whooping.

Now I sort of think, "Am I miserable?"

You've got a question. I've got an answer.

Yeah, you're fucking miserable.

No, but I think I get excited at things you should get excited about.

OK, what was the last thing you got excited about?

Smile. Just smile. Just fake it.

No, do a smile.

See, you don't know what that feels like, do you?

That's odd to you. No, show your teeth.

Yeah, yeah. That looks weird. I've never seen it before.

It looks weird. It looks weird.

So, Route 66, you must have heard of that.

Yeah, a car without a roof on it, driving along. Yeah.

Sun sort of there, shades.

Right, there you go. Get your kicks on Route 66.

Off you go.

It's just a road.

It's tarmac. It's a road with cars on it.

It's like any other road.

I don't think Americans come over here going, "Where's the M1?"

"I can't wait to get on the M1."

Is it the first road over there, the first proper road?

The first one across America.

Everyone thinks the M1 is our first motorway, but it isn't.

M6.

Preston Bypass, that's the first motorway in the UK.

But you don't hear people going on about it.

They don't get excited, "I'm going on the M6 tomorrow."

"Are you? Lucky bastard." It doesn't happen.

Right, this is it then, isn't it? I'm in California.

Nice, isn't it?

This bit here, the pier, is...

That's the start of Route 66.

And I think it goes that way for miles.

It's an alright beach though, isn't it? This is me, this.

Loads of room.

Not as clean as I thought it would be.

There's pigeon's knocking about which you don't see on Baywatch.

That would be good if I get a Hummer.

Or any of these, if it's got air-con.

Can't argue, can I? I asked for a convertible.

Fucking hell.

It's not what I had pictured.

In fact, I've seen babies in prams bigger than this.

Why do people say they want to do the Route 66 thing?

Am I meant to enjoy it now whilst I'm doing it,

or is it something you appreciate after?

Do you know what I mean? Like a lot of things in life.

In a way, even though I'm eager to have fruit

and I'd love to have an orange, I never really enjoy the orange.

I'm always happy to get to the end when you can wash your hands.

I get sick of it running down your arm.

I tend to eat them in the bath.

I'm shattered, do you know what I mean?

Now I've got to turn into Lionel Blair just like that.

Ha! Ha!

That's it, that's it! Good, good, good!

OK, go like this.

He! He!

Yes, see, you're using your diaphragm.

Whoooo!

That's good, Karl. I think you can sing.

So, we have a solo for you. You're gonna do a solo.

Does that mean singing on my own? That's what it means.

I can't do that. You don't want me doing a solo.

That's it! Karl, you could do this solo.

Get the dancers in! No, hang on. No, wait.

Don't bring the dancers in yet, honestly.

I need to nail this.

It's just that in two hours or so, you're going to be performing it.

Karl, your facial expressions. And remember, smile.

See, we need a nice face like that.

It's not fun for everyone. She's going, "See, you're having fun."

"No, not really. No, I'm not."

But is it just an American thing?

Do they have fun better than us?

The word "fun" annoys me.

Someone says, "Are you coming round, having some fun?"

"I'd rather not actually. I don't want fun."

It's a word I just don't use.

It's not my sort of thing, singing and dancing.

We've got enough singers and dancers anyway in the country.

Why we still have Pop Idol and X Factor... Everyone's singing.

I mean, this is a school. They're not doing English and maths.

They're arsing about jumping to Van Halen.

Where's the doctors, the plumbers?

When I had a problem with my boiler, I had to wait two weeks.

If they need someone to come round and sing and dance,

loads of them. We've got enough.

I haven't got a taste for it, honestly.

This isn't like a big life-changing moment.

"Oh, Karl has finally found his destiny."

I don't want to do this.

I've never been that embarrassed.

I always say to you that you give me anxiety dreams.

I panic because of the things you set up.

That time when I had a dream about being in a toilet

and you open the door and there was a big audience

looking at me having a shit.

It was exactly the same feeling I had in my dream as that.

I just wanted to wake up and for it to go away. It was shocking.

That's true actually. Yeah.

That's normal.

You got to stretch your legs when you've been sat in a car all day.

What's all this?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Jesus.

What's it all about?

Is it one man who's done this, or is it a touristy thing

and you're meant to bring a bottle and stick one on when you're here?

I think it's just one guy's house.

He's got a serious drink problem whatever it is, hasn't he?

To be honest, it's scary that he's not in, cos where is he?

What is he doing? What is his life like?

I don't know what I'm meant to get from it.

I don't know if it's proving a point, or if he's just a scruffy bastard.

This is what they mean, isn't it,

about it's not worth doing recycling back in Britain?

Because there's me with my Marmite jar,

and my milk bottle and what-have you.

But if he's doing this, what's the point?

I just always think about when it's time to move

and you've got to sell your place.

His target market...

There's not many people who would want this in their front garden.

No-one's gonna turn up and go, "This is what I've been looking for."

"Two bedrooms, we're after that. A load of shit in the garden."

I got a text from Steve and he says this part of Route 66

goes through the old hippy area.

So he wants me to stop off and meet Valerie.

"She's into New Age healing therapy. Enjoy."

Did that just shout my name?

Hello?

Karl.

Hello!

Hello!

Valerie. Hello.

I'm Karl. Nice to meet you.

Did you just shout my name? No, she may have.

That's Kiwi. It's not doing it now.

So, you're a shaker? I'm a what?

You're a shaker. Are you a hugger?

Er... You want a hug?

No, this is alright, this is good. I've just met you.

Come in. Alright.

Hello. Hiya.

This is Clive. Clive. This is Sam.

Nice to meet you. This is Karl.

Hello. This is what we call the sandbox.

This is Karl. Hey, Karl.

This is our beanbag hang out.

It's held space for a lot of really beautiful gatherings,

a lot of connecting. Would you like to see inside? Yeah.

This is where we'll be gathering tonight.

Who will be? Could be 15 or 20 people.

It's called cuddle party.

Have you heard of cuddle party? No... But hang on.

I haven't been here long, but I've walked past... four blokes.

One woman. So how does that work?

They're coming. There will be more women.

You don't want to cuddle any men?

Well, I don't want to cuddle strangers really.

Probably gonna start at eight,