Cougar Town

Did Holly pick up Jill yet?

Yeah. This is my baby.

Why do you always freak out whenever Holly comes over?

She's not that bad.

Am I allowed to say that

about a woman I accidentally had a baby with?

I wouldn't. She always wants to hang

and connect with me over tequila shots.

Just say no.

I can't say no to tequila.

That's why Travis exists.

No way. Jill, too.

What an adorable coincidence.

Look on the bright side.

She drives you crazy, which I enjoy.

She's here. Come here.

If she pushes past us with her super bimbo strength,

we say we can't hang tonight...

Because we all have some very important thing to go to.

Got it.

Hey, you guys. Whoops. Whoa.

Damn it. She backdoored us.

Jules, I have so much I gotta talk to you about.

I'm sorry. We can't hang because we all have

a very important thing we have to go to, so...

That thing got canceled.

I do have a different thing that only I have to go to.

You know what? I'll drive you. Have fun, mom.

Should we connect?

Yeah.

Ohh.

Are you happy?

I had to listen to Holly yap for over an hour.

She's way too young to have that many stories

about losing teeth. Sorry.

That's the least convincing "sorry" ever. I'll work on it.

So Jules and I decided we want to get married on the beach.

You're gonna have to go to city hall

and get a permit for that.

Ooh. That sounds like quite an imbroglio.

She bought herself a little word-of-the-day calendar.

Ah. Gotcha.

Why would you bust me on that?

They would have just thought

I had gotten all smart and stuff.

Sorry.

Oh, no. That was better.

Right? I'm getting it.

Getting a permit is easy.

I got one to put that new speed bump

in the cul-de-sac.

Uhh! Ohh!

That speed bump is gonna protect our kids, especially Stan.

He's obsessed with that manhole in the middle of the street.

I don't know what he thinks is down there,

but he leaves food for it.

Well, it's the manhole monster.

It eats little boys that don't listen.

Solid parenting, as always.

Thanks.

Roger!

Roger. How are you?

Oh, same as always.

Actually, I was married a few months ago,

so slightly worse.

Oh, God.

Next. Excuse me.

I want to get a permit for a beach wedding.

We don't allow weddings on the beach.

But I see parties on the beach all the time.

We allow parties.

Okay, then I want a permit for a party.

Will there be a priest at your party?

Depends on how crazy it gets.

No permit.

If you have a problem, talk to the mayor.

This podunk town has a mayor? Who?

Me.

Stop it.

No, really. It's me.

I love this cake shop/real estate office.

You give me day-old black-and-white cookies,

and Jules lets me take coffee from her side.

Mm. The coffee's free?

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. You'll have to buy a condo.

Ah.

Whoo, man, that camera cake looks real.

I'll bet you wish you had that sucker

hanging around your neck.

Why, because I'm asian?

No! Yeah.

The long "no" means "stop talking."

Just another good old boy

throwing racist stereotypes around.

Racist? Am I that bad?

No, sweetie.

Oh, my God. Look at your black-and-white cookie.

You've only eaten the white part.

I'm a monster.

Good! Leave! I don't even care!

Hey.

Eh.

Uh, everything okay?

Stupid Internet date.

I thought having a baby was gonna be, like,

a nonstop party... you know?

Wrong. Turns out they're a total crotch-block.

That guy is a tool.

He should have put "hates babies" on his profile.

Oh, he did. I just ignored it.

Hey, we were gonna go get some ice cream.

Do you want to come?

Can babies have ice cream?

Oh, yeah. That's, like, pretty much all she eats.

There's got to be something you can do.

Mean, I have been dreaming of having a beach wedding

since... well, yesterday.

I know where this is going.

You think it would be safe for us to have

a quick but passionate fling.

I'm flattered...

But it's not gonna happen.

I'll try to keep it in my pants.

That's a good girl.

So who did you marry anyway?

Ah.

Well, hello, Jules. Hi.

Aw. What an adorable engagement ring.

It's like my ring had a baby.

Wow. Barb, you're married. Mm.

I'm so, um...

Um, something for you.

Oh, you would have loved our wedding.

We had the most spectacular ceremony

on the beach.

It was more like a party.

Yeah.

You know how I'm always talking about politics?

Not once. Not ever.

This town needs a new mayor,

and not one that's in bed with "big business."

That's what Barb calls her private parts.

You know who'd be great?

John Mayer.

"Mayor Mayer"... it sounds really funny.

Plus he could totally shake things up...

In my pants.

I think it should be you, Andy.

Me? You love getting involved.

You petitioned against the new mall.

You put in that new speed bump we all hate.

Plus you would look so great kissing a baby

'cause you kinda look like a baby,

and everyone knows there's nothing cuter

than a baby kissing a baby.

Truth.

I actually think I would be a great mayor.

I love helping people, and at parades,

you get to wear a top hat like the monopoly guy.

Stan, you better not be taking that to the manhole monster.

But he's my best friend.

Your kid is weird.

Why would you tell Andy to run for mayor?

'Cause I want my beach wedding.

Plus as a human being, he's... super-lative.

Are you trying to say "superlative"?

How can I not remember words from two days ago?

I mean, this thing doesn't work.

Do you realize what you've done?

Well, if you're gonna yell at me,

you're gonna have to do it in the car.

I gotta take back Travis' phone.

I stole it to change my caller I. D. photo.

See?

New photo... cute smile.

Old photo... sneeze face.

I can't be married to someone in public office.

Jules, I'd have to interact with people.

You know I hate the people!

That's what you get for telling Holly our thing was canceled.

You know what I hope? That the karma gods get you.

Karma gods. Ooh. Scary.

No.

Thank you.

Holly, get out.

- Mom. - No, it's okay, Trav.

Thanks for the ice cream...

And the tongue party.

Okay, I want to start by saying I understand why you're upset...

not ready to talk. Okay.

I love the tension in this room.

I just want to bake it

into a big, puffy thing and eat it all up.

Seriously?

I'm helping.

So is Holly going to seduce every man in my life?

Okay, first of all, Holly didn't seduce me.

We just-t- you know what? Tell me everything.

Did she pull your hair?

Ohh. Um, is she a biter?