New Girl

Opening statements today

In the trial of celebrity chef susanna gabey,

Accused of killing her husband.

Cold-blooded murder.

Ooh, look, that's her.

In this high profile case,

Initial courtroom reports

Note an annoyingly inquisitive jury.

In otter news, an otter was born

At the zoo today. Oh! Oh, dip.

I can't believe jess is gonna be sequestered.

For so long.

Who am i supposed to go to for lady advice now?

I mean, i'm having

A real crisis with kc. It's not a crisis.

She posted a photo of another dude; it's no big deal.

Yeah, but when i asked her about it, she said,

"he's a work friend, winston. Slow down."

I'm like, "slow down?

"we've been dating for four months already.

I've seen one of your breasts."

What was the situation where you only saw

One of her breasts?

We were playing dinosaur.

Look, i just need jess.

Winston, it's gonna be okay,

Because i can help.

I told jess that i was gonna

Take care of her boys while she was away.

What, you don't think i can be supportive?

No...

Todd is in town.

Ploons? Are you kidding me?

Went to college with this guy.

He's the worst guy on planet earth.

His grandfather invented the springs

That go inside pens.

He's got, like, a billion dollars.

From the black eyed peas to hang out with him,

Just so he could look cool.

How much are you guys gettin' paid for this?

Bunch of marijuana.

And these carrots.

ugh.

I just got a text from him.

"nick the dick"-- hate that--

"it's hot daddy t"-- hate that--

"in la-la land."-- hate that--

"excited to talk

"bachelor party with you.

Vegass?"

He spelled "vegas" with two s's.

He spelled it with two?

That's ass. That's veg-ass.

You see what he did?

You see what he did?

It's so like ploons

To assume he's coming

To the bachelors party. He said vegas?

You can't invite him, schmidt.

On the other hand, you know,

A bachelor party does cost a lot of money.

I'm your best man.

I got this bachelors party under control, buddy.

First of all, you're saying

"bachelors party," which is wrong.

Okay, so where we going?

Where are we going? Yeah.

For the party? For the party, yeah.

We don't have to go anywhere.

You want to go somewhere, right?

Uh... We're going someplace.

Someplace that is so much better

Than what ploons could do.

Well, he'd go to vegas, which... Which sounds awesome.

We're going to tokyo!

I mean, look at you. You're obsessed

With japanese culture, you wear the kimono, right?

I'm gonna take you where ploons can never take you.

I'm taking you to tokyo.

This... This is pimp.

This is so pimp.

I just really need to know, um...

I was gonna say, how are we paying for all of this?

Doesn't matter. How does anybody pay for anything?

No, no, seriously,

How are we paying for this?

Boom, boom, boom...

who cares?

We're going to tokyo!

(humming super mario bros. Underground levels music)

Is there a three-prong outlet in here somewhere?

God, i love echoes in bathrooms.

It's so good.

Hey, there's a stranger in the bathroom.

That's just brandon. Who the hell is brandon?

Brandon's how we're paying for tokyo, schmidt.

You see, i put a thing online.

I'm renting out jess's room while she's gone.

Oh... I'm gonna rent out all the rooms.

Are you insane?

I don't think so, no.

Do you have any idea

The amount of bodily fluids

That people let loose on vacation?

Brandon's a really good guy.

He's just here to finish his novel.

I appreciate the effort, i do,

But we don't need to go to...

We don't need to go to tokyo.

Not for this. I'm not willing

To turn our home into a public pool.

I understand your concern

And i'll make note of it.

You're not even typing.

I already bought the tickets

And they're nonrefundable.

We need to come up with $9,000.

You don't need jess's bowl of advice, winston, all right?

I really do, cece.

I mean, look. She's cheating on me.

Kc's cheating on me.

Hmm. The same thing happened with daisy.

Everything's all good, then all of a sudden,

She's hiding a basketball player in the shower

And i own a cat!

I'm in a cycle.

I'm in a bad woman cycle.

She posts a picture with a hot guy,

You post a picture with a hot girl.

That-that's great. That's perfect advice, cece.

I know. Thank you very much.

You're welcome.

If only i knew a hot girl.

Hmm.

Ah...

Trust me, it'll work.

I've done the math,

And if we rent out every room for a month,

We'll have enough money, we won't need todd.

The hospitality industry is fast-paced

And it's detail-oriented.

And you have the focus

Of a coked-up italian on a summer day.

I'm very focused.

You're not even looking at me right now.

I thought i saw something shiny.

Um...

But no, it was nothing.

How do you drive your car and not hit people?

I have never been more focused in my--

It was a spoon.

I saw the... It was just a spoon.

Nick, let's just call todd.

Let's bite the bullet...

No, schmidt, we don't need his money. Look at me.

okay...

Schmidty, i'm your best man.

And i may not be a rich man.

The only thing my parents invented

Was a wand

To push the buttons on the microwave from the table,

So you don't have to get up.

You mean like a stick? My point is,

It's my job to give you

The bachelors party of your dreams.

And i intend on doing that.

Why don't you close your eyes for me?

What do you see

When you see your dream bachelors party?

Sushi. a lot of it.

Sake.

Honor.

And no todd, right?

Look around. Is todd there?

'cause we don't need him.

We can do this.

I want you to look at me

And tell me you believe we can do this.

Do you believe, schmidty?

Do you believe?

Schmidty? Do you believe?

I believe...! Do you believe?

I believe! Yeah!

I'm gonna eat sushi off my own ass!

Why you using tongs?

We don't use tongs at home.

Don't forget to write your reviews

And it'd be nice if you mentioned nick.

So you're just full-blown running a hotel now? All right, let's go.

It's a boutique hotel, yes.

We are offering a premiere experience

In a competitive marketplace.

Okay? And the reviews are everything.

So grab a vacuum... I'm gonna go take my 15.

It's not time for a break. You just started working.

It takes a staff to run...

There's no work ethic there-- how do you work...?

look at that.

Kc took the bait.