The 64th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards

Is that your "I can't believe I won" face?

Yeah.

It's really good.

Thank you.

You want to see mine?

Uh-huh.

Is that duck face?

Exactly.

Sweet.

You guys want to see mine?

Oh, my God.

Are you okay?

What's in there?

I don't know.

Sounds like she's drowning.

Honey?

It's locked.

Come on, honey, let me in.

It's okay.

Sorry -- so sorry.

Stand back.

Kathy bates.

Jimmy?

Don't look at me.

What's wrong?

I can't host the show tonight.

Why can't you host the show tonight?

I got a little Botox.

Is it bad?

No.

You look beautiful.

I do?

You look so much better.

So natural.

You look like a real housewife.

Yeah, yeah.

No, I don't.

I look hideous.

I can't host the emmys.

We'll do it!

Hosting the show.

You look really excited.

Remember what a good job you did the year before last?

That was a different Jimmy.

Oh.

I hate my face!

I hate it.

Well, we could punch it back in for you.

Really?

Yeah, we can punch it back in for you.

Punch it back in?

Get out there!

Yeah, or, just get out of here.

Come on!

Yes.

I am going to host this show.

I am going to host this show until its pregnant.

I am going to host like no one's watching.

And dance like no one's listening.

And I'm going to , like -- I'm sorry I'm late.

Oh!

You're going to kill it.

Thanks.

Okay.

I'm doing this.

I am going to do this.

You don't have any pants on.

Pants.

Well -- I can't do the show without pants, so -- has anybody got a pair of

pants?

Here.

Take mine.

What are you going to do for pants?

I'll figure something out.

Go.

Thanks, Ellen.

Thank you!

They fit great!

Tonight, live from the Nokia theatre L.A. live,

television stars have gathered to celebrate the 64th annual

primetime emmy awards.

And now your host, Jimmy kimmel!

Well, thank you very much.

Hi, everybody.

Welcome to the 64th primetime emmy awards.

You spent ten hours getting ready, you got heat stroke on the red carpet.

You haven't had a carbohydrate in months, but it will all be

worth it to find out if the award for best reality show host

goes to cat deeley, won't it?

We are here tonight to honor television, the most popular

entertainment medium around the world and the only American

product the Chinese haven't figured out how to make.

The television, as we know it, was invented by a 14-year-old

Idaho farm boy, who was plowing a wheat field, this is true, in

rows of parallel lines and it occurred to him that an image

could be sliced into rows of parallel lines and he patented

that and now thanks to him, we have "Here comes honey boo boo,"

so -- nice job, dumb ass.

Television is an American institution and, yet, 1 out of

every 5 acting nominees tonight is British, which, I don't understand.

I guess we're supposed to reward them because their actors went

to the royal Shakespeare academy and ours were discovered at the mall?

I will admit that "Downton Abbey" is a great show.

So much attention to detail.

Not the kind of show I watch, but it gives you a sense of what

it must have been like to grow up in mitt romney's house.

Are any of you voting for mitt romney?

All right, 40 Republicans and the rest godless liberal homosexu homosexuals.

See, that's why kelsey grammer didn't come tonight.

It's difficult to be a republican in Hollywood.

That's like being a chick-fil-a sandwich on the snack table at "Glee."

Maybe it's just me, but does it bother anyone else that

president Obama said his favorite show is "Homeland?"

I don't think the president should be watching "Homeland"

for the same reason I don't think Charlie sheen should watch "Breaking Bad."

There's so many familiar faces here tonight but I'd like to

welcome one of the new ones, Lena Dunham, who is here.

Lena Dunham.

Only 26 years old, this is her first show, already, she's been

nominated for acting, writing and directing.

I don't -- I don't have a joke here, I just wanted to make

everyone feel bad about themselves.

Lena has a great show on hbo called "Girls."

Hbo leads all networks with 81

nominations.

Their highly anticipated horse racing drama "Luck" was canceled

halfway through the first season.

Oh, boy the way, if you are going to the hbo afterparty, don't eat the sliders.

The show with the most nominations this year is "Mad Men."

The star of that show, one of the stars, the very handsome jon hamm is with us.

Jon, you gave tremendous performance this year and I, for

performance this year and I, for one, am shocked that you did not

one, am shocked that you did not win tonight.

Too soon?

It will be fine.

Look at him.

It was a big year for cable.

For the first time ever, none of the four major networks were

nominated in the drama category.

And you can't ignore that.

The academy is sending a clear message.

And the message is, "Show us your boobs."

But most of all, tonight is a night on which we honor the one

thing we in Hollywood love more than anything else.

Ourselves.

You know, that's how the emmys got their name.

M-e.

Me.

Tonight, you will be asked to play your most challenging role yet.

That of an actor who is happy about the success of another actor.

Let's not forget that in a way, all of you are oners tonight.

But in a much more literal way, most of you will be losers.

The important thing is, we get out of here as soon as possible

so you can go home and put on your fat pants, okay?

So, let's get this going.

Poorscemi hasn't eaten in a week.

Let's start things off with comedy!

One, two, three -- everybody follow the birthday flag.

What did you call me?

Oh, yes.

You have a long way to go before you are a Jack donagy,

but you do have amazing eyes.

Oh, thank you.

Okay.

I'm being told that commander James love is -- look, honey, you have a

dynamite shape, but you're going to have to shut up and let a man

tell us what's happening there.

Now, is your father or a policeman nearby?

Whoa!

A lot of tension in your hips.

Easy does it.

Last guy I let back there had to buy me a ring.

Looks like Keri Russell after she ruined "Felicity."

Coming!

Thank God.

You guys are always doing stupid stuff.

Like what?

Name something.

Cheese!

And now one with flash.

Cheese.

In what way does my father read gay to you?

Well, he had a stud in his ear.

He got it on a trip he took with a bunch of his male friends.

I don't like the taste of alcohol.

Nobody likes the taste of alcohol.

We like the affects of alcohol.

Makes you feel tall, good looking and smart.

I am tall, good looking and smart.

Why is my towel still damp?

It's not your towel.

It's my towel.

That's not your towel.

Your towel is the red one.

I've never used that.

I do use that one every single day.

Oh, gosh.

People won't equate you with a natural disaster.

Really?

Because I've met some people, real people and a lot of people are idiots.