Black Jesus

Glory be to God!

What's happening, pimps?

Hey!

What's up, Dianne?

Oh, this better be good, hmm?

What's up? You ain't happy to see your boy?

You said you had something to tell me about Jason,

- so what is it? - Okay, okay.

Pops said that he wants you with Jason

so much that he's never,

ever sending any good man your way again.

None. Finito.

Whew! So glad to get that off my chest.

That was a burden on me.

D-D-D-Did you just curse me?

Nah, nah, not me.

God. Pops.

Okay, you had me come all the way down here

to curse me?

Couldn't tell you nothing like that on the phone.

That's some (bleep) shit to say to somebody.

Jesus Christ, you are such a (bleep) asshole!

you, you fake-ass

giant ashy ankle crusty nail

stupid-ass hood rat mother(bleep)!

Looking like a big-ass sack of potatoes.

You sorry, broke-ass, dirty mother(bleep).

- Bye, Dianne! - (bleep) you!

- God bless. - Ooh!

Jesus!

Oh... oh... oh...

Oh, finally!

Man, I'm so happy to see you, man!

Where the homies at?

Uh, they're, uh...

they're-they're back at Fish's.

Oh.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Oh, all right, I-I get it, I get it.

They must got something big planned for your boy.

Tell me they didn't. They ain't do that, did they?

I don't think,

I don't think so, no.

Okay, it's gonna be cake.

They gotta have cake, you know what I'm sayin'?

You know your boy love cake.

Carrot cake, banana cake...

Listen, big guy,

I'm, I'm-I'm just here to pick you up, man.

That's it. Pick me up in what?

I'm so glad to be home.

G-O-D, hold it down.

Jesus, I lost my job over some racist BS.

Hey, that was your fault, man.

Stop blaming the white man for everything, dawg.

Hey, Little Rick, are you still playing football?

Hey, Edna, Ron! What's up, y'all?

Orlando! What's up, dawg?

Hey, you owe me five dollars.

Hey, Lorenzo! What's up, dawg?

Yo, Jesus, I can't find my keys.

Living room, couch, right pillow.

By the window.

Stop losing shit all the time.

Oh, there you go.

Man, you just getting here?

Where was you at all night?

Where your ass ain't never at.

Getting this money, nigga.

Well, maybe I could give money,

if a certain selfish nigga

would let his homeboys in on his little secret hustle.

Mm-hmm. Nigga, trust me,

ain't a damn one of y'all built for this hustle.

Hey, but what y'all doing later on, though?

Man, you forgot what today is, huh?

- What's today? - Jesus coming back today.

Nigga, you serious? That's today?

Yeah. So we good.

Jesus coming back,

I-I know he got a plan from God

to let us know what to do.

Nigga, we ain't good!

We gotta clean this place up!

- Man, get up! - Fish!

Hey, relax, go wash your ass, man.

We was just about to clean up, man.

It won't take but two minutes.

No, nigga, call Trayvon.

Tell him we need him to go to the store.

Trayvon already went to pick up Jesus.

When he supposed to get out?

Man, they're supposed to be back in, like, uh,

- not that long, man. - Hold on, let me check.

Oh. Shit.

I missed y'all. Man, I love you guys so much, man.

I'm so glad to be home.

Well! Look who it is!

Jesus Christ!

Mr. I'm Holier than Everybody in the Whole (bleep) World.

Hey!

What's crackin' with you, Lloyd?

What you got going on right here?

What's crackin' is, things have changed around here.

What residence are you here to visit?

Aw, come on, man.

You know I'm here to see Fish.

Sign in.

And I need two forms of I.D.

Lloyd, you know me, man.

Come on, man, it's your boy.

Hey!

I need your Social Security number, punks!

Man, this is about to be so bomb!

You know I ain't never had no surprise party, man.

I'm about to act surprised as a mug.

I might get up there and scream and pee on myself or something.

Is that too much? Come on, Trayvon.

Hey, Jesus, I suggest lowering your expectations a little.

Jesus!

What up, baby?

Welcome home!

Hey, Jee, what's up, man?

- What's up, my N-word? - What's happening, baby?

I can't believe this shit.

I, um,

I told you to lower your expectations.

The day Jesus returns

to walk with his homies on this earth one more time,

and this is what the (bleep) I get?

I'm sorry, Jesus, man.

I'll take full responsibility.

But don't even trip, though. I got something for you.

Have my seat.

Really, Fish? For real?

Aw, man! Talk about ungrateful, man.

Got them Loops you like.

- I got it. - Hey, get the...

Come on, man, you know how many people

been waitin' they entire life

for me to return and spread my love?

And y'all got me right here

at your fingertips, in your house...

- Sorry there's no milk. - ...and this is the best you can do?

All y'all just like, "Oh, whatever, it's Jesus.

"Oh, Heavenly Shepherd.

"Oh, he ain't tripping.

Whatever."

Jesus, man, it ain't even like that.

We just been struggling, man.

We barely getting by.

And I got both of these fools living with me, too.

You been struggling?

Fool, I just got out!

Y'all over here living sweet,

under one roof like a family,

the way God intended it to be.

That's what he want; he want us together.

Breaking bread,

sharing stuff... sharing cable,

Internet,

your Loops, you know.

Netflix, blankets and stuff,

- floor space and perhaps a couch or two? - Whoa, whoa.

What's up with all this sharing?

You trying to stay here?

I mean, maybe just for a night or two.

Oh, hell, nah.

We already ain't got enough room, man.

No room for Jesus?

So-so that's what you saying?

No room for Jesus Christ

in your heart or your crib, huh?

This nigga be sweating in his sleep and shit.

He keep peeing on the stool, man...

He's sleeping in my bed.

- Hey, I heard today's a special day. - Oh, no, no, nigga.

Get the (bleep) out of my crib, man. I told y'all, y'all can't

run up here without notice, man. The (bleep) is wrong with you?

Hey, what's up, Koresh?

- How was the nuthouse? - Man, you know, actually, it was...

I don't care about that shit, nigga.

I was just being facetious.

Your new rent agreement.

Says right here that this unit has a two-nigga limit.

Two niggas.

Right now, I'm counting two, three,

four niggas.

Anybody that violates these rules

is subject to immediate expulsion

from the complex.

Vic, man, come on, man.

Chill out, man, stop tripping.

- I'm just visiting, dawg. - That's good,

'cause there's also some new visiting hours.

- From 8:00 to 6:00 p.m. - 6:00.

Anybody found on the complex after those hours

who is not a resident will also be subject

to immediate expulsion from the complex.

Management also reserves the right