Professor Marston and the Wonder Women

: Burn them! Burn them! Burn them!

Ms. Frank, I'd like to remind you that I came here voluntarily.

No, you came here because your superiors will fire you...

...unless I tell them to do otherwise.

As you know, we are reviewing your handling of Wonder Woman...

- ...given the current controversy. - You're gonna give her to someone else?

She's a smash success because of me. I created her.

Dr. Marston, Wonder Woman has drawn criticism...

...for being full of depictions of bondage...

...spanking, torture, homosexuality, and other sex perversions.

Would you say that's a fair assessment of your work?

I can see how people with a fairly limited understanding of my work...

...could arrive at these simplistic descriptions.

They'd be wrong, of course.

Would you care to explain yourself?

Are you normal?

What is normal?

Psychology is a young science at Harvard...

...and here at our sister school, Radcliffe, with you fine young ladies...

...we have only just now broken away from the philosophy department...

...into our very own distinct field of study.

Emotion's what we will be studying this semester...

...specifically as it relates to deception.

I've invented a model of human emotion...

...which will guide us through our investigation.

DISC theory.

I will be testing my theory on you.

I make a vow to you all to discover the truth of who we are.

And I look forward to undertaking this adventure with you all.

And students who wish to volunteer to help assist me...

...and my notable associate and wife, Mrs. Elizabeth Marston, please...

...add your names to the sign-up sheet, thank you.

Dean is insisting we give him receipts again.

I don't know why he doesn't go work in a bank.

The cocksuckers denied me again.

I'm smarter, more rigorous...

...more accomplished than any of the so-called "men" in this department.

They will issue you a degree from Radcliffe.

That degree is a load of horseshit. You know it.

It is not. It is taught by the same professors, it has the same standards.

Precisely. If it is the same work...

...then why can I not receive a PhD from Harvard?

- Because I have a vagina? - Elizabeth.

Where did you hide the liquor?

We will make a great discovery.

We will make a great discovery...

...and then they will be forced to acknowledge us.

You are very brilliant.

I know.

Smarter than me.

I know that too.

Dear, we-- We can't fuck in the laboratory like animals.

Why not?

I'm going to resubmit my application.

I'm taking it all the way to the board of trustees this time.

I'd appreciate it if you stop drooling.

She signed up to assist us. Her application was first-rate.

Look at the boys and girls circling.

He's gonna do it.

Her beauty gives her an advantage over the other girls.

No, you can't be serious. Her beauty?

- Beauty is an albatross. - Ha.

No, she's at war right now. See?

Watch how she averts her eyes.

If she makes eye contact with that boy for too long...

...he will misunderstand and think she's interested in him...

...and then when she invariably rejects his advances...

...he'll think that she's a slut.

Meanwhile, the blond girl next to her fancies the same boy.

Oh, the blond girl hates our girl with a passion...

...so fierce she can barely sit there.

But they both have to...

...sit there, and smile, and pretend...

...because that's the life they've chosen.

And what have you chosen?

I've chosen you.

I want to study her.

She'll break your heart...

...leave you eviscerated in a pile of your own expended semen and bile.

- Oh, please, dear, the hyperbole. - Ha-ha. It wouldn't be her fault either.

She'll just be surviving, like an animal in the jungle.

They're given fur and claws and teeth to survive.

- Well, then, do it. - You won't be jealous?

No, I don't experience sexual jealousy.

Who am I to fight nature?

I'm your wife, not your jailer.

It's a lie detector.

Or it would be, if we could get it to work.

Right now it's just a pile of crap.

I'm Olive Byrne, the new teacher's assistant.

Yes.

- Why doesn't it work? - Uh...

Can't determine what exactly to measure. We need a physiological unit of analysis.

Should I call you Professor Marston as well?

Mm. Possibly, if Harvard would give me a fucking PhD.

- Sorry? - Your duties are to assist...

...me and my husband with our research.

We keep our papers in the filing cabinet along the wall.

Please familiarize yourself with our current research notes.

- Do you have any questions? - I have many, but I'm sure I'll manage.

Oh, and if you fuck my husband, I'll kill you.

- Excuse me? - Heh.

Look, I feel sorry for you.

No, really, I-- I do, it's not your fault.

It's, um, your beauty, it's like a--

Well, it's like a handicap. It's like having three legs or something.

- Mrs. Marston, I-- - No, there's no need to be defensive.

I'm just asking you the courtesy of please not fucking my husband.

Can you do that for me?

Yes.

Thank you.

Now, if you wouldn't mind, Professor Marston and I like...

- ...to have coffee in the afternoon. - Of course.

-gracious lady...

...the fairest of all the virgins who live on Mount Olympus.

This is for you, dear lady...

...Diana the huntress, Diana the pure.

I've plotted this garden for you, gracious goddess...

...a meadow where no shepherd brings flocks to graze...

(WOMAN CONTINUES SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Sorry to interrupt. I'm Olive Byrne, the new teacher's assistant.

Yes, hello.

Uh, Mrs. Marston said you liked coffee in the afternoon.

Oh, good. You met my wife.

- Yes. - Please, sit.

- Oh, no, I really should get back to-- - No, no, no, please. Sit.

Well, I'm very glad you could join us.

Are you all right?

Yes.

So tell me a little about yourself.

Uh, I'm afraid there's not much to tell, really.

You're engaged.

Yes.

So, what makes you interested in the field of psychology?

Uh, I don't know, I--

The girls, my sorority sisters...

...they, uh, said your lectures were interesting, and it...

- What? - Fit in my schedule.

I find the human mind fascinating. I--

I'm sorry. I don't think this was the best idea.

- What is? - (VOICE BREAKING ) I don't know why...

...she would say such awful things.

Excuse me.

But you said you had no sexual jealousy.

But I do have professional jealousy, and the work that we're doing right now...

...well, it's critical, I can't have you panting after some coed.

- Before, you said it was all right. - I changed my mind.

If you desperately want to understand the mind of a woman...

- ...you can start with that. - You made the poor girl cry, Elizabeth.

When I asked you not to fuck my husband...

...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to insult you.

- I've done nothing. - No, I know, you're right.

I just don't know why women and men--

That's why I wanted to work for you both...

...because I thought you could tell me why.

I never do anything, and yet, nobody sees me or hears me.

It's just all noise and hostility and lies.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.

I wanna learn.

I admire you, I...

...read your paper on the correlation of color and emotional states.

You read my paper?

It's criminal that they will not give you a degree.

You know, you don't need to feed me a line.

I'm not. God, what is wrong with you?

She's neurotic, also compulsive. I'd say that's accurate.

Hmm.

Would it be possible to get some whiskey with this?

It's illegal.

Come on.

Where?

How are you going to learn anything at all about life if you refuse to live it?

Oh, no, darling, I have to disagree with you.

Oh, surprise, surprise. - No, Freud is full of shit.

- No. What would I want with a penis? - Heh.

Seriously, it would be exhausting to have one organ...

...constantly directing the course of your life. Olive, do you want a penis?

- No. - Do you think that you have penis envy?

I don't understand what that means, sorry.

Will you stop apologizing?

Do you know how many times a minute you apologize?

Sorry.

Elizabeth, peach, penis envy is figurative.

It means a woman experiences an envy of the male position in the world.

His dominance. His ability to penetrate not just the woman, but...

- ...life. - Oh, penetrate life?

- Yes. - Well, that's very interesting.

You should've read the book.

- You do not think I-- - Then perhaps I do have it.

I do envy men's position in life, their physical strength, their entitlement.

My aunt said, "A woman must not be told how to use her freedom...

...she must find out for herself."

Your aunt, my dear, is quoting Margaret Sanger.

My aunt is Margaret Sanger.

- The Margaret Sanger? - I don't know her very well.

My mother and her-- There are sore feelings, I think.

Are you joking?