Bangistan (बैंगिस्‍तान)

There are a hundred billion galaxies in the universe, bhaijaan.

So what?

And in each galaxy there are two hundred billion stars.

And around each star, countless planets.

Get to the point!

My point is that you could live anywhere else, but no!

You had to be born here!

Watch your tongue, bhaisahab! This land is ours!

I'll tell you whose land this is...

You may be frightened on hearing these hateful voices.

After all, your country is eternally peaceful.

But in a forgotten corner of the world, there exists a land...

Where violence is a way of life.

Such enmity, that bullets and bombs go off at any time.

Perhaps that is why it has come to be known as...

Behold the icy peaks of North Bangistan.

The polite gentleman who kept saying 'bhaijaan bhaijaan' - his home is here.

It is cold enough to freeze their bones...

But the people here are always hot-headed.

And the affectionate fellow who kept saying 'bhaisahab'...

Hails from here. South Bangistan

There are many doves here - Messengers of peace.

Too bad there isn't any peace, though.

But in their midst, there are also two friends who believe that...

Through co-operation, peace can be achieved here even today.

They are known to us as the Shankaracharya and the Imam.

Please leave me alone. Yes, sir.

Greetings Shankaracharyaji. My apologies for disturbing you.

Oh Imam sahab, rules would pointless if they weren't broken.

You must have heard about the riots?

They have misused and misinterpreted our faiths yet again.

They will never understand.

You and I can help them understand.

If we declare peace together they will definitely listen to us.

The upcoming World Religions' Conference in Poland...

How about making an address from there?

There can be no better occasion!

Then let's prepare a proposal and...

And send it to all the Conference attendees.

Let's do it.

Let's see, I've got everyone covered except...

Would you happen to have the new Pope's email ID?

Email?! The Pope and I follow each other on Twitter.

We've exchanged a bunch of DMs. I suggest you make an account as well.

As you say, my dear friend.

Good evening, good evening!

Thomas... Allison...

Hello... Jerry...

Have a good day sir...

That cheap man was hitting on me!

Yeah yeah, just work on the wool.

Whew, met the quota for the day.

Okay, thank you!

Haatim bhaijaan, haven't I told you not to call me here!

I can make calls from here but not answer any.

Yes, I will be at the meeting on time -

Harold!

Hello? - Hello...

May I speak with Katherine Polanski please?

Yes?

Good Afternoon! This is Harold...

Calling from Dream Savers personal loan company.

We provide loans for all your needs ma'am.

My needs... hmm...

Do you have any?

Oh yes, I have needs. Please tell me about them ma'am.

I feel lonely... Do you understand?

No ma'am, I'm never lonely... Dream Savers is an MNC, you know...

Give me the phone!

Hello? Are you there ma'am? Hello...?

Who is this?

Who is this?

This is Polanski. Now who the hell is this?

Sir! I was just asking ma'am if she is interested in-

Interested, you punk? What is your name, you telemarketing pig?

Harold... - Tell me your real name!

Hafeez bin Ali, sir...

Hafeez bin Ali...

You are flirting with a terrorist.

Andrzej, he's not a terrorist. He's just a - Shut up!

Listen to me, you mention ma'am once more...

And I will personally send a drone to Afghanistan to blow you!

To blow you up.

Sir, there's been a miscommunication! I'm from Bangistan.

Nonsense! Remember what we did to Osama bin Laden? Remember?

I'm going to ask Mossad to do the same to you!

I'll have them cut your head off...

And eat your eyeballs straight off the barbecue!

Terrorist!

Thank you sir. Have a good day.

We are always here to serve you.

How long must we suffer this indignity?

Just because we are Muslim, the world calls us terrorists!

How do clients always find out you are Muslim?

Work on your accent Harold.

My name and accent can change for this job, but not my faith.

I was and remain a true Muslim.

I'm leaving this job.

Harold... Harold... Don't get emotional mate!

Here, Guruji... Four lattés.

The Shankaracharya has ruined everything.

If the riots continued we would have won the election.

Riots are easy, Guruji. We'll burn three or four houses during election.

You can't handle this. We must burn at least...

ten or twelve houses.

Shut up! Low minded idiots...

Let's go international!

Learn from the enemy. They capture the world's attention!

London... New York... Paris!

We'll have to make a statement at this conference.

To multiply from one seat to a hundred we must alter our strategy.

We must make a sacrifice!

Sacrifice?!

I will stop at nothing to achieve this.

Nobody can stop us!

We will shed fountains of blood and -

Guruji, this is quite a conspiracy!

Not a conspiracy, my man. This is politics.

You know that local stud who is dying to serve the party?

Let's use him.

A fierce war was fought only for you, O Sita!

The battle raged night and day Only for you, O Sita!

O Lord Hanuman! Come save Laxman's soul!

Witness the Lord on his voyage to obtain the Herb of Life!

Set forth, O Lord!

Jai Sri Ram!

Jai Sri Ram'. - Jai Kai Sri Ram, Kai Kai Sri Rami!

Following his dashing entry the Lord has set off on his quest!

How did it go, bro?

Absolutely awful.

Even though the tickets are free...

There were more people on stage than in the audience.

But once I become a superstar people will shell out money to see me.

Yeah, people are staying at home because of the riots.

Revenge, not riots! We have taken our revenge this time,

This time, we didn't remain docile like always!

Surely you don't mean that bro.

I mean every word!

These people stay on our land, eat our grain, and rule over us!

The government, the media... Everyone caters only to them.

I tell you, soon we won't be in the majority.

That's good... The government will cater to you in that case.

Man, you have ten heads, but not one brain.

And your brain has been addled by that Guruji fellow.

Another word against Guruji and I'll smash your head!

Have you gone mad?!

That Guruji is a charlatan!

Help! Help!

Leave him brother.

You dare to insult Guruji! I would happily give up my life for him.

The man is an angel!

Stupid Raavana...

Hafeez bin Ali! Hafeez bin Ali!

Wherever you are, please come to rear entrance.

You are being awaited there.

Hafeez, let's go.

Haatim!

Obviously, the meeting can't happen here now.

Abba has decided to convene elsewhere.

But... where? - Just come with me.

Here?!

Follow me.

Ah, the mighty Harold has arrived!

Get me a BigFac first. Go on, get in the line!

Two BigFacs, please. A few cups of the chutney.

I'm sick of waiting. Give me my coffee already!

Yes sir, I'll bring it right away.

Bhaijaan!

Thank you.

Two FcChickens!

We must convince Abba to keep all the meetings here now.

Yeah man, there's no point meeting at mosques.

Now show us the poster.

Such a bad quality print.

He is only fit to serve white people. Hello hello, tring tring!

He's lazy when it comes to serving the community.

No, Omar.

Enjoy your burger...

Harold!

Please call me Hafeez.

And I have quit that job.

You didn't quit Hafeez...

It was all Allah's will.

It is now time for you to join your brothers and...

Dedicate yourself to the good work of Al Kaam-Tamaam.

2417.

Abba he is not fit to work for Al Kaam-Tamaam.

He couldn't even get a good quality print of the poster.

It's not his fault, Zulfi.

Those call center guys have brainwashed him by calling him 'Harold'.

This is pure American propaganda, my boys.

I ask, what have the Americans given the world?

Idiot! Regular againl?

Didn't I tell you I drink only Diet Cola!

The Americans are sneaky and deceitful.

They murdered our dear cousin Osama in cold blood.

This is our opportunity to take Al Kaam-Tamaam beyond Al Qaeda...

And replace cousin Osama!

What is the way forward?

Hey Guruji... Hey Guruji!