Hercules

Long ago, in the faraway land of ancient Greece,

There was a golden age of powerful gods and extraordinary heroes.

And the greatest and strongest of all these heroes was the mighty Hercules.

But what is the measure of a true hero?

-That is what our story is... -Will you listen to him?

He's makin' the story sound like some Greek tragedy.

-Lighten up, dude. -We'll take it from here, darling.

You go, girl.

We are the Muses, goddesses of the arts and proclaimers of heroes.

Heroes like Hercules.

Honey, you mean "Hunk-ules."

Ooh, I'd like to make some sweet music with him...

Our story actually begins long before Hercules, many eons ago.

Ah

Back when the world was new

The planet Earth was down on its luck

And everywhere gigantic brutes called Titans ran amok

It was a nasty place

There was a mess wherever you stepped

Where chaos reigned and the earthquakes and volcanoes never slept

Say it, girlfriend!

And then along came Zeus

-He hurled his thunderbolt He zapped

-Locked those suckers in a vault -They're trapped

And on his own stopped chaos in its tracks

And that's the gospel truth

The guy was too "Type A" to just relax

And that's the world's first dish

Yeah, baby.

Zeus tamed the globe while still in his youth

Though, honey it may seem impossible

That's the gospel truth

On Mount Olympus life was neat And smooth as sweet vermouth

Although honey it may seem impossible

That's the gospel truth

Ah, ah

-Yeah yeah -Ah, ah

Hey, hey, hey

Ah, ah

Hey, yeah

Hercules!

Behave yourself.

Look at this.

Look how cute he is.

- -

Hah!

Oh, he's strong like his dad, hmm?

Whoa! Excuse me! Hot stuff coming through! Excuse me. One side, Ares.

Why, Hermes, they're lovely.

Yeah, you know, I had Orpheus do the arrangement.

Isn't that too nutty?

Fabulous party. You know,

I haven't seen this much love in a room since Narcissus discovered himself.

Dear, keep those away from the baby.

He won't hurt himself.

Let the kid have a little fun.

On behalf of my son,

I want to thank you all for your wonderful gifts!

What about our gift, dear?

Well, let's see here. We'll take... Hmm, yes.

A little cirrus and, hmm, a touch of nimbostratus

and a dash of cumulus.

His name is Pegasus,

and he's all yours, son.

Mind his head.

He's so tiny.

My boy.

My little Hercules.

How sentimental.

You know, I haven't been this choked up

since I got a hunk of moussaka caught in my throat! Huh?

So is this an audience or a mosaic?

Hey, how you doin'? Lookin' good. Nice dress.

So, Hades, you finally made it. How are things in the underworld?

Well, they're just fine. You know, a little dark, a little gloomy.

And, as always, hey, full of dead people.

What are you gonna do?

There's the little sunspot. Little snootchie.

And here is a sucker for the tittle sucker, eh?

Here you go. Ya just...

-Sheesh. -

Uh, powerful little tyke.

Come on, Hades. Don't be such a stiff. Join the celebration!

Hey.

Love to, babe, but unlike you gods lounging about up here,

I regrettably have a full-time gig

that you, by the way, so charitably bestowed on me, Zeus.

So, can't. Love to, but can't.

You ought to slow down. You'll work yourself to death.

Hah! Work yourself to death!

Oh, I kill myself!

If only. If only.

If there's one god you don't want to get steamed up, it's Hades.

'Cause he had an evil plan.

He ran the underworld

But thought the dead were dull and uncouth

He was as mean as he was ruthless

-And that's the gospel truth -

He had a plan to shake things up

And that's the gospel truth

Pain!

Coming, your most lugubriousness.

Ow!

Panic!

I'm sorry. I can handle it!

-Pain! Ohh! -And Panic!

-Reporting for duty! -Reporting for duty!

Fine, fine, fine.

Just let me know the instant the Fates arrive.

Oh. They're here.

What? The Fates are here, and you didn't tell me?

-We are worms! Worthless worms! -We are worms! Worthless worms!

Memo to me, memo to me. Maim you after my meeting.

Darling, hold that mortal's thread of life

good and tight.

Incoming!

Ladies! Hah! I am so sorry that I'm...

-Late! -Late!

-We knew you would be. -We know everything.

-Past. -Present.

And Future.

Indoor plumbing, it's gonna be big.

Great, great. Anyway, see, ladies, I was at this party, and I lost track of...

- We know! -Yeah. I know you know.

So here's the deal. Zeus,

Mr High and Mighty, Mr "Hey, you, get off of my cloud," now he has...

- A bouncing baby brat. -We know!

I know you know. I know. I got it. I got the concept.

So let me just ask.

Is this kid gonna mess up my hostile takeover bid, or what?

What do you think?

No, you don't. We're not supposed to reveal the future.

Oh, wait. I'm sorry. Time out. Can I...

Can I ask you a question, by the way? Are you...

Did you cut your hair or something? You look fabulous.

I mean, you look like a Fate worse than death.

- Oh, gross! -It's blinkin'!

Ladies, please.

My fate is in your lovely hands.

-Oh, yeah! -Oh, all right.

In 18 years precisely,

the planets will align ever so nicely.

Ay, verse. Oy.

The time to act will be at hand.

Unleash the Titans, your monstrous band.

Mm-hmm. Good, good.

Then the once-proud Zeus will finally fall,

and you, Hades, will rule all!

Yes! Hades rules!

A word of caution to this tale.

Excuse me?

Should Hercules fight, you will fail.

What?

Okay, fine, fine. I'm cool. I'm fine.

Pain? Panic? Got a little riddle for ya.

How do you kill a god?

-I do not know! -You can't. They're immortal?

Bingo! They're immortal.

So, first you got to turn the little sunspot mortal.

-What? What is it? -Huh?

-The baby! -The baby!

- -

Hercules!

Oh!

No!

Now we did it!

Zeus is gonna use us for target practice!

Just hang onto the kid, Panic.

- -

Hurry!

Let's just kill the kid and get it over with, okay?

Here you go, kid. A little Grecian formula.

Look at that! He's changing. Can we do it now?

No, he has to drink the whole potion. Every last drop.

Who's there?

-Alcmene, over here. -

You poor thing.

-Oh, don't cry. -Ls anybody there?

-Now? -Now.

Oh. Well, he must have been abandoned.

Amphitryon, for so many years

we've prayed to the gods to bless us with a child.

-Perhaps they've answered our prayers. -Perhaps they have.

"Hercules"?