30 Rock

Come on, put it... Excuse me.

Out of the way, please.

Hey!

Chill out, mamacita.

What's with the, uh, weekday vibe.

- It is a Tuesday, sir. - Hey, hey.

You work on that show?

Yeah, I work on that show.

Just like your mom works that street corner.

I'm sorry, that's too much.

No sweat. My mom is a prostitute.

Hey! This chick knows Jenna Maroney!

Hey! New drinking game!

Drink when someone says something!

Whoo!

Who are you people?

We're "Crabcatchers."

You know, from Jenna's song Catchin' crabs in paradise?

Oh, I thought that was at least gonna be innuendo.

Jenna is playing the Tod show,

in a couple of days,

so we're just camping out and "unwindulaxing."

Wait, so Jenna's Jimmy Buffett rip-off

is actually a thing?

See, you people from New York,

you don't know all the stuff that's going on

in the rest of the country.

Truck races, swamp parties,

mall fires.

I can't believe she's pulling this off.

And I can't believe I'm pulling this off!

Whoo!

Why do you have a tattoo of a seatbelt?

So I don't get pulled over when I'm driving shirtless!

Whoo!

You wanted to see me?

Have I mentioned marisol,

the Mexican sideline reporter I've been seeing?

Well, since our weekend in Aspen,

she's been put on pelvic rest.

Fast-forward noise.

Marisol was supposed to attend a fundraiser luncheon

with me today.

It's $10,000 a plate.

And I'll have to eat the ticket unless...

Unless I eat the ticket.

Fancy luncheon, seafood bar.

I'm thinking 75 cents a shrimp,

over three hours,

and split... Carry 3.75...

By the time I'm done, you'll be making money.

Good. I should warn you, though,

that it's a Republican fundraiser.

So if you're coming, it won't be

as Liz Lemon, huffpo superuser and gun-control lunatic.

You'll come as Liz Lemon, my chum.

Chum. Okay, I like that.

And you'll be able to keep your opinions to yourself?

Oh, good Lord, Lemon.

You just locked your mouth and then swallowed the key.

It makes no earthly sense.

Shrimp.

30 ROCK S07 Ep04 - Unwindulax

[Crowd singing Jenna's song Catchin' crabs in paradise]

Jenna's crab idiots won't shut up.

Why couldn't she have died when that rabid dog bit her?

Oh, it wasn't rabid.

I just said that so they'd have to put it down,

and then I'd be the star of that dog-food commercial.

I had to walk an extra block

to get around your stupid crabcatchers.

My doctor's have been very clear about this, Jenna.

If I get moderate exercise, I'm gonna die!

And I'm mad at your success,

but pretending it's something else!

Okay, speaking of me,

how many crabcatchers fiesta crab hats

would each of you like to buy,

at the unbelievable price of 49.95?

Please. I've had a crab on my head for free!

I'm lying.

The claws hold your cigarette while you uncork a "brew-skye."

"Uncork a 'brew-skye'"?

Yeah, you know.

Ka-zap. Blinky, blinky, blinky, blinky.

Those aren't even the right noises.

Everyone knows you hate stuff like this.

You're maybe the most high-maintenance bitch

in Hollywood.

Maybe? Who's more? Who is she?

Okay, cut this crap out,

and get those sunburned "D" -bags out of the plaza.

Hey, no can will, Pete.

But have an unwindulaxing day...

You medical office before-pictures.

I've never even seen a crab.

I'm sorry.

I don't need some Kenyan-born college professor

telling me i didn't build my company.

Because I earned my trust fund

by always being polite to grandfather.

Now, Donaghy, still over at NBC,

with all those communists and homosexuals?

Reginald, I believe you're thinking of the White House.

But not for long.

In two weeks, we take this country back.

And no bureaucrat can force me

to subsidize female promiscuity in the name of health care.

Are you okay, chum?

Michelle Obama's on steroids.

And this is studio 6-H,

home to TGS, starring Tracy Jordan.

Oh, my God, it's Jenna.

Visor lady, get a picture of me.

What do I... Press a button?

No, it's different from every other camera in the world.

God, I can't escape you people.

Whoa, chill out, brother.

It's beer o'clock somewhere.

You're a fraud!

And you look like a condom

that's been dropped on the floor of a barbershop.

Are you all unwindulaxing?

This guy looks like he could use a little "latitude" adjustment.

Will you sign my Cesarean scar?

Oh, ahh!

You moron!

Hey, just a party foul.

Exactly.

That's why I said, "you more on."

Like, "pour more on me!"

- Whoo! - Oh, yeah.

Both: Whoo!

- Oh, my God. - Oh, yeah!

She can't be herself in front of these losers.

She has to be "Island Jenna,"

which means...

We can mess with her.

We should go to a pumpkin patch?

Pranksmen, activate.

Obama's bailout would never have worked

if big business hadn't heroically taken it.

But where's our parade?

That's idiotic.

- Lemon! - No, sir.

You don't have enough shrimp to buy my silence.

Also, you are out of shrimp.

You know better, Jack.

You all know better.

Except for maybe the really inbred wasps.

You thank for mention gordeau!

You're hypocrites.

You believe in the death penalty,

but it's okay to kill animals for food?

I don't know where I'm going with this yet.

Hang on. Hang on!

My boyfriend and I aren't married.

But we might have a baby together anyway.

And I hope it's gay... Male gay.

Because with the ladies, it's too much hiking.

But homosexuality is unnatural, right?

Then why are there gay dolphins, people?

You heard me.

They make love to their husband's blowholes.

Let's see that in some science textbooks.

Oh, that's right.

The whole Texas board of education thing

that I don't fully remember.

Teachers should get paid a million dollars a year.

If birth control pills fixed boners,

you would get them free with your driver's license.

How do we know that God isn't a tree?

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Elizabeth Lemon.

And, uh, this is what we're up against.

Four more years of a president

chosen by people like her.

She has an iPad subscription to The New Yorker.

She vehemently opposes the Ivory Trade,

despite the jobs it creates.

And in her apartment there is a black-and-white photograph

where you can almost see a breast.

It's an original Leonard Nimoy.

If we do not defeat Obama,

then people like my little friend here

will destroy this country.

So add a zero to whatever you were planning to give.

For Romney, for America.

For anyone but her.

What the hell, Jack?

I thought you said I was your chum.

You are my chum.

The bait I throw in the water

to attract the big fish.

Damn it! Second meaning.

Yeah.

Whoa.

What are you douche-compadres doing here?

Well, Jenna, everyone knows

how you're always so chill.

So, of course, you won't freak out