The Ricky Gervais Show

For the past few years Ricky Gervais,

Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington

have been meeting regularly

for a series of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

- Testing. - Is that all right?

Hello and welcome to "The Ricky Gervais Show"

with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant...

- Hello. - ...And the little round-headed buffoon

that is Karl Pilkington.

Hi.

Now everyone knows over the past few years,

my big pet project hasn't been my own career;

it's been get Karl famous.

- Yeah. - I want people to recognize him in the street,

come up to him and say, "you bald-headed manc twat."

Well, let me tell you now, Rick,

I've been out and about, and a lot of people have come up to me and said,

"has Karl Pilkington got a head like a fucking orange?"

And I've had to instantly confirm the answer to be yes.

But he's had a call.

He had a call recently from a film company

asking him if he's got any ideas for movies.

Now how desperate... in what dire straits

must the British film industry be

that they're going, "we need Karl Pilkington.

We have hit rock bottom,"

and he went along for an interview?

So what? And you went in, and you...

I went along and, um,

had a meeting.

And they just said, "right, you know." "Got any ideas?"

And so I says, you know, "what are you thinking?

What sort of thing are you after?

Are you after action, thriller, whatever?"

Because you can provide any of that.

I love that he's playing it cool,

like, "you've come to the right person.

- My time's precious. What do you need?" - Yeah.

"Yeah, I'm Karl Pilkington, the movie doctor.

What do you need, papa?"

So I thought of this idea sort of on the spot.

Good, punny.

No, but sometimes that's how good ideas come up, don't they?

- Yeah. - Just random.

It's how a lot of yours have come up, yeah.

No, but if you just talk,

I find that your mouth comes out with stuff.

Right, there's another quote.

- Right. - There is another quote.

"If you talk, your mouth comes out with stuff."

That to me stands along with "what were those things in 'gremlins' called?"

No, but what I mean... if you sit there

and try and use your brain to do it...

- Right. - ...It doesn't work the same.

Just keep talking.

Just keep your mouth talking

and eventually it will come out with something pretty good.

That is exactly what Plato said...

- So anyway... -...To Aristotle.

He said, "sit down. I've got an idea for you."

Aristotle said, "Plato, how do I do it?"

"Right, just keep talking and eventually

your brain will come out with stuff."

So what I thought... I just started off by saying,

like, actors' names and that who I thought should be in it,

'cause then that's giving more... it's building.

- Right. - Okay, who did you say? Who did you say?

So I said, "right, I'm seeing...

Clive Warren."

Who the fuck's Clive Warren?

- Who's Clive Warren? - The one who was in "Closer."

- Clive Owen. - Clive Owen.

Right, all right.

Did they look at you like you're a fucking idiot?

So they all start trying to figure out,

"who's this Clive Warren we've not heard about? He must be amazing."

"Yeah, Clive Warren." "Get me Clive Warren on the phone."

- "Get me Clive Warren." - And I said, "Rebecca de Mornay," right?

Where did that come from?

She hasn't been in a film for 15 years, has she?

Clive Warren and Rebecca de Mornay.

They thought he was a genius!

They've never thought of putting Clive Warren

with Rebecca de Mornay.

But hang on a minute. You could have...

You could have any film star...

This is your fantasy casting...

and you choose a bloke who doesn't exist

and a woman who hasn't been on TV or in a film for 10 years?

Oh God!

- Why didn't you choose, you know... - Someone who existed?

- ...J-Lo or someone who's a big star? - Oh God.

Clive Warren. Oh God!

- Oh God. - So anyway, it starts off,

and the people... you know, you see into their lives

from right in the morning.

So it's like a nice sunny day. The radio is on.

They're going about the day, having their breakfast.

They're saying, "what we doing tonight?"

And you think, "oh, they've got a nice life."

She's like, "love you," and all that, yeah?

He walks out of the house, gets hit by a bus.

- Oh. - So Clive Warren's dead.

I don't know if Clive Warren would take that part.

'Cause he ain't got much to do, has he?

- No. If I know Clive Warren... - And I think you do.

I think I do. Carry on.

So he's hit by a bus, so he's dead.

So he's hit by a bus and that.

- The titles come up. It's got you, right? - Oh yeah.

- "Starring Clive Warren." - She's fed up.

She's devastated and that.

Um, the doctor says, "Clive's dead."

Who's playing the doctor? Jack Nicholsonhouse?

Um, sort of. What's that fella who was in "Independence Day"?

- Um, Will Smith? - No, the old... the old black fella.

- Morgan Freeman. - Yeah.

- Get him in. - Morgan Freeman, yeah.

He says, "your husband's dead."

She's like, "oh God."

What happens then is... he says, "but listen.

What we can do now...

We can take the brain out..."

- Right. - Right.

And a fact that I'd read that day before the meeting...

and this isn't in the film though; this is me.

Right, but luckily you had read the fact.

I read a thing about how the brain can... it can run on half of it.

- You've actually got a full brain. - Some of us have.

- So this was in my mind still. - Well, half your mind, yeah.

So I said, "what happens is Morgan Freeman says,

'been working on this. You can run...

- You can run your life on half a brain.'" - Right.

She's sort of a bit like, "what are you telling me this for now?

My husband's just died, like, 20 minutes ago."

And he goes, "yeah, but if we're gonna do this, we've got to act quick."

She's like, "do what?"

He says, "whilst his brain's not fully dead..."

'cause it stays awake for a bit when you get killed.

Oh, he's not dead then. Fine.

No no, yeah, he is, but they found out...

...That it stays awake a little bit...

- No no no. - No, he's gone.

- He's been hit by a bus. - Yeah, no, he's dead.

If the brain's dead, you are dead.

Clive Warren's dead.

If the brain's not dead, you're not dead.

It's like people in a coma... They're dead, aren't they?

- No no. - They're only in a coma.

- They come out of comas, don't they? - All right, he's in a coma.

He's been hit by the bus, but the chances are

he's not gonna come out of that coma, but his brain is still awake.

So change that. That's easily done.

Hold on though.

I like this fact that he's in a coma,

so they're going, "look, he's definitely gonna die in this coma.

Take the brain out now. Pop the brain out."

But why is that such a weird thing

when that's what they do now?

- That's what they do now. - What is?

- That's what they do. - What?

- They do that. - What?!

What, a brain transplant?

No, but when, like...

How I've signed that donor card.

- If anything happens to me... - No no no no.

There's no such thing as a brain donor.

We've explained to you before.

Yeah, but they're working on it.

They've said something about Einstein.

They messed about with his brain for ages

trying to work out if it was full of stuff.

That's what they're doing. They're working on that.

There's loads of things that doctors are doing that we don't know about.

I've seen some weird stuff on the Internet.

Yeah, I know you have, yeah.

I saw a program on Channel 5

where a monkey brain was still alive,

and it was stuck on a stick.

And they...

You were watching the "Magic Roundabout."

They poked it and it reacted.

- Right. - So it's still alive.

It's being kept alive and it's only a matter of time.

What's the brain linked up to?

As long as you can link it up to the eyes and somehow...

So it can tell the arms and legs what to do, you're laughing.

I love that.

Imagine a team full of a doctors going,

"well, we're gonna try new brains out on Karl.

As long as you can link this up to the eyes

and tell the arms and legs what to do, we're laughing.

Cheers, Karl. See you later."

Then what happens is they say,

"do you want half of his brain in your head?"

Half of his brain in her head?

She says, "definitely not. I'm having you struck off."

She starts screaming.

She calls the police. He gets arrested.