The Inbetweeners

So far this semester, our report cards read:

Looking cool, C-minus, hooking up with girls... That is my stomach.

F.

Second base.

Making fools of ourselves, A.

A.

Simon.

A-plus.

But today was field trip day, though due to budget cuts,

what was supposed to be a visit to a Civil War battlefield was now a night away

at Jed and Jim's Civil War experience.

All right, everybody, let's get on the bus.

There's no history where we're going.

Gettysburg, bull run-- those are field trips.

I've never even heard of this battle.

I've never even heard of this war.

I can't believe we were ripped from class for this.

Two words: Overnighter.

They're taking us to a place where anything can happen.

Virginities lost.

Trashed hotel rooms.

People could die out there.

It's a Civil War battlefield.

People better have died out there, or else I want

my frickin' activity fee back.

Do you think we'll be able to sneak out of our rooms at night?

Hell, yeah, but not to hook up with the skanks here.

Schools from all over the state descend on this battlefield,

and I will descend on their ladies with musket in hand, or should I say,

musket in their !

Cartwright!

What the hell is that?

This is for motion sickness.

There are magnets on it, motion magnets.

I get bus sick.

How do you get motion sickness from a bus but not in a car or a rollercoaster?

It's a class thing.

Ugh.

Things going well with that?

Shut up.

Get out of our seats.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Move, Neil.

Okay if I sit here?

Hey, girl.

You ever sit on a chamber?

Great.

Four hours of these idiots.

Are you okay?

It's fine if you want to talk.

Just don't ask me anything I need to respond to.

Are you serious?

Okay.

I'm Lauren.

I knew that she was hot, and I knew that by some miracle, she had chosen

to sit next to me.

But I also knew if I tried to talk to her, I'd cover her in vomit.

But somehow I'd survived the trip, mainly by staring

at the horizon and counting factory outlets.

Dude, you lucked out.

I know.

Four hours, 13 minutes, and only two barely noticeable dry heaves.

I'm talking about the girl.

Who is she?

New girl, I guess.

Lauren?

You don't know anything?

You had that girl captive.

I just kept my eyes on the horizon.

Scare the new girl off yet?

I knew you'd weird her out with your face, personality, dumb pants.

Great talk.

Next time I'm open to questions.

How did you make her talk to you?

It's the bracelet.

It's a chick magnet.

What did you talk about?

I don't know.

I didn't say anything.

Ah, that's the play.

You listened.

No, I didn't do that either.

The whole time I was completely ignoring her, too busy stabilizing myself.

Well, then of course she likes you.

Girls love jerks.

You pay them no attention, and they want it more.

Dude, you got to keep this up.

Keep what up?

Stay sick.

She thinks it's cool.

I can't stay sick when I'm on solid ground.

I can help.

What? No.

Neil, Neil.

The things we do to look cool.

Whoa.

contracted us to provide food, shelter, and education

we intend to make a profit.

These vouchers are for food only.

Only food.

They're not to be used to buy contraband such as cigarettes or alcohol

from eager local weirdos who will sell or barter for anything.

Bon appe-titties.

Did you hear that?

We can use these to buy alcohol.

Yeah, you can.

No, he said we can't.

That was the whole point.

The Civil War.

Why are you saying it like that?

Yeah, it's not civil like they were polite.

I'm just reminding myself what it's called.

You really never heard of this war?

Maybe it was the day I was out sick.

It wasn't a day.

Hey, shut up.

She's coming.

Oh, seasick.

Seasick.

Hey.

Hey, guys.

Ready to heckle some reenactors?

Oh, I was born to heckle reenactors because you have

to be a bit of a history buff for all those insults to land.

Muskets and bunker hill.

Look at all those words tumble out.

How about the rest of you?

Do your mouths work?

Huh?

Sometimes mine works too well.

I didn't mean it like that.

I mean, like, when I talk too much.

Usually explaining something I don't need to explain.

But, yeah, it works.

Good old mouth.

He wouldn't shut up, and his words were tumbling out so much better than mine.

You're sitting on the spot where the confederate army may have resupplied, oh,

these many years ago.

Only they didn't have the luxury of having a beautiful

gift shop such as the one you have right behind you, where they could resupply

on candy bars and picture pennies.

But on some spot, not this one.

The Civil War was fiercely raging.

Or as I like to call it, the war of northern aggression.

You've lost!

Not today.

Boom!

Lord, I've seen the glory!

They got me!

Oh, no!

My death is for nothing!

We lost!

Thank you.

That was a reenactment.

That's not real blood.

That was ketchup.

The guns aren't real.

They can't hurt anyone.

The knife part on the end can hurt you.

Well, the point is, the Civil War really did pit brother versus brother.

We were fighting ourselves?

You're the perfect audience for this.

And these are the kind of battles you're gonna be witnessing and participating

in today.

That's right.

You guys are gonna be battling it out in the aisles of the gift shop,

trying to see who can get the better deal.

And, lo, the reenactment raged.

Charge!

But the true horror of war wasn't taking place on the battlefield.

It was happening right behind me.

Oh!

Take cover.

They're resupplying.

And like those soldiers of yore, I too felt the betrayal of a brother,

which hurt almost as much as the betrayal of Neil.

Brother versus brother!

Brother versus brother!

Brother versus brother!

Brother versus brother!

Resupply, bitches!

Resupply!

This whole recreation thing is a farce.

Half the people are dressed as Germans.

I think I saw Darth Maul out there.

And Simon is totally stealing Lauren, and it's your fault.

You told me to act cool around Lauren, and look what it did.

Good for him.

It's about time he got over Carly.

Yeah, but not with Lauren.

She's mine.

I did everything you said, and it didn't work.

It's not my fault you're completely incapable of even acting cool.

I mean, look at you.

You went to the nurse for a tiny scrape.

It still needs to be disinfected.

This might sting a little.