Santa Clarita Diet

Please. I'm just a farmer.

I have done nothing.

Is he well restrained?

Yes, Colonel.

Did you double check?

Yes, Colonel.

I've been searching for you for so long.

You look so human.

Please... I have a family.

Then we have something in common.

The only difference is you'll never see yours again.

Did you clean these?

I'm kidding.

I beg you.

Don't hurt me.

We both know you can't be hurt.

What happens now?

What are you going to do to me?

No blood.

I found one!

I'm not a monster.

Please don't kill me.

I wouldn't dream of killing you.

We're going to spend years in this lab together.

Vlado?

Yes, Colonel?

You didn't check the restraints, did you?

I could check them now.

Yes?

I know.

I wanted to kill Vlado weeks ago.

Different Vlado.

But...

But I'll find another undead.

Transfer?

You don't need to transfer...

I understand.

Where the fuck is Santa Clarita?

? Our house, in the middle of our street ?

? Our house, in the middle of our ?

? Our house, it has a crowd ?

? There's always something happening ?

? And it's usually quite loud ?

? Our mum she's so house-proud ?

? Nothing ever slows her down and a mess is not allowed ?

? Our house, in the middle of our street ?

? Our house, in the middle of our street ?

? Our house, in the middle of our street ?

? Our house, in the middle of our ?

Good morning, Mr. Ball Legs.

Sorry we almost left town without you yesterday.

Things got a little crazy and... we completely forgot.

Don't look at me that way.

I got you a present.

It's a spider with a top hat.

The Broadway version of you.

What's going on, Mr. Ball Legs?

You barely touched your earlobes.

Aren't you hungry?

I'm starving.

So, you drove Gary's head out into the desert and didn't kill him?

Yeah, all good. He's back in the basement.

Okay, and now... Anne thinks Mom is a God?

Not exactly.

She believes your mother was chosen by God to do his work on Earth

by killing evil doers.

And then eating them.

She doesn't know about that part.

Anyway... we just wanted to loop you in, in case it comes up.

Oh, so we're looping Abby in now?

Because when you guys were going on the run and ditching me in Phoenix

with Aunt Cathy, looping me in about my whole goddamn future

didn't seem like a priority.

You still mad about that?

It was yesterday!

The important thing is... we didn't ditch you.

You're welcome.

And no one's on the run.

Things are good. Life's getting back to normal.

Ramona's mutant spider ball is sick

and the Nazi meat rotted.

You're the one who wanted to keep living with us.

I just feel bad for Mr. Ball Legs.

He stopped eating.

It eats?

I think that's what he's doing.

He just sort of scoots back over the food and then... it's gone.

Also...

since I emptied out our freezer when we went out on the run...

I'm out of food.

Well, just run down to the market and...

kill somebody.

We'll figure this out.

Look how bad things seemed for us yesterday.

We were about to lose everything.

Today, we just have to kill a Nazi. And, lucky for us...

now there are more of them than ever.

Everything is going to be just fine.

Why do you have to say things like that?

There's no one there.

Who are the Knights?

I have no idea.

Fuck me.

According to Google Translate...

this says there was a group of medieval men

called the Knights of Serbia, who were tasked with killing the undead.

Of course they were all men.

Yes. If we could just go back in time

and channelize that gender's hostility to anything different...

I'm just saying.

Do you think that there are modern-day Knights?

I don't know.

If their duty is to stop the virus from spreading...

they may be the ones that blew up Ruby's clam farm.

And they may also be looking for me.

- Is your stomach growling? - I'm hungry.

Okay.

You track down another Nazi.

I need to find out if this Knights of Serbia thing is real.

And see who put this knife in our door because...

that's curious.

Yeah.

Oh! I invited Anne over later to talk about our miracle in the desert.

I could ask for her help.

I think we should limit Anne in our lives.

If she realizes that we're killing people for food and not for God...

she might not like us anymore.

On the other hand,

the Bible says, "If God giveth you a minion, use her."

It also says, "Please, baby, don't involve Anne.

You're gonna get us all killed."

You know what would be funny?

Is if misquoting the Bible was the thing we went to hell for.

Hey, dude.

Brought the night vision goggles. Put it back in your mom's closet.

We'll do it later.

She still home. Have you seen this? It's everywhere.

It says the fracking company

is pausing their operation until they find out more about what happened.

That's so cool.

It's pretty fucking cool.

We did that.

- What? - Nothing.

Just nice to see you this happy.

- Aren't you happy? - I'm very happy.

Last night was amazing.

You were amazing.

Oh, shucks. So were you.

Were you scared?

A little.

The whole thing was perfect and you are a fucking master.

Please. I mean, you did more than your share of the work.

I didn't know something could explode like that.

Was it too much? It was too much.

It nearly knocked me out of my shoes.

You said go big.

Oh, my God!

You guys did it.

What? I just heard you.

You had sex!

Oh! Oh, I feel like you maybe misinterpreted.

Then what were you talking about?

Okay.

- You caught us. We had sex. - It was lovely and I am proud.

Really? It went well?

You're kidding me? This guy... Look out.

I won't be denied.

Unless my partner puts out any signal that this is not what she wants

and then I will absolutely stop and call an Uber

or another ride-sharing app that treats women better.

I am so excited!

Oh, my little baby.

My little baby boy.

And you take care of her needs, right?

Otherwise, you're just a monkey in a jungle.

We're a family without boundaries. How cool is that?

It's all so incredible.

Why do you think God chose you to do His work?

I don't know. I mean,

he's a great guy, but... not much of an explainer.

How's the fruit salad?

It's good, thank you.

Anne, you have to stop testing me.

I'm sorry.

You scratched the table.

That was there before.

No, it wasn't.

I know. I'm sorry I doubted you.

And I lied about the table. No wonder God didn't choose me

- to do His work. - Don't be like that.

He loves you. Just don't fuck with Him.

You didn't say anything to Lisa, right?

- No, I swear. - Good.

Don't tell anybody.

But I want to spread the word!

You rose from the dead.

You can grant eternal life. People should know.

I disagree. People get weird.

You only found out last night and you've already shot me twice

and stabbed me with a fork.