That Mitchell and Webb Look

And ze two shades of lipstick were identical,

which means that only you, Mademoiselle Brown

could have placed ze cigarette case underneath ze body.

Surely, Monsieur Voirot, you're not accusing me of murder?

Indeed I am, mademoiselle.

Murder of ze most treacherous and ze most ingenious.

Oh, heavens!

Surely you can't mean that, Voirot.

It is of ze most regrettable that I do.

Is this true, Susan?

Yes, Freddie, I'm very much afraid that it is.

Yes, I did kill Lord Carlington.

My God, Voirot, she's doing the evil voice.

Indeed, mon ami, I always know I have got zem when zey start doing ze evil voice.

What?

Yes, once again I had no evidence.

It has been a hell of a week to be honest with you,

but once they have done ze evil voice, you know it is ze murderer.

No! No!

Why, I really don't know how this could have happened, Monsieur Voirot.

No, no, too late. We've all heard you do the evil voice, only murderers do that.

But Monsieur Voirot, I implore you.

Too late, Mademoiselle, ze evil voice, it never lies.

And besides, now you are smoking a cigarette

out of an evil cigarette holder…

Damn you, Voirot!

She's doing it again.

Yes, and she has become sexier.

Now she has evil lipstick and her hair is going evil.

I'm not sorry, damn you, I'd do it again.

Attention, mon capitaine.

In a moment she will kiss that guy and zen try to kill herself.

Right.

-Susan, I don't understand. -No, Freddie.

It could have been so perfect, if you weren't such a fool.

Have her tits just got bigger?

Zis can happen.

Goodbye, Freddie.

-Ooh! Now then, is this the bit where… -Oui!

-Susan! -

Oh, nuts!

Ah, it is better zis way.

Some courts, they do not accept ze evil voice as evidence.

Well, that's a bit of luck then.

And now, Monsieur Freddie, I wonder if I could trouble you…

Yes, I did do that massive poo in your en suite while you were out.

-What? -Non, monsieur.

And I'd do it again, damn you, whether or not it flushed.

Uh, no, I was just going to ask you to pass me my hat.

Oh…

Edward, thanks for a lovely evening.

Oh, there was that book I was going to lend you, wasn't there?

Oh, yes, yes.

Now, where is it? Uh…

Oh, look, don't worry about it.

No, no, no, no…

Hello. I am Jan Hankl.

Thirty years ago, I personally patented the flank patting system

for finding books on shelves.

Ah, there it is.

It worked for Edward and it could work for you too.

For over 30 years now, Jan Hankl has been showing the world

how his patented flank pat system can help all of us to focus our minds

and achieve our goals.

Particularly when looking for a book.

Thirty years ago I am nobody,

then I patented the Hankl flank pat system…

And like that, I am Jan Hankl, you know.

We know.

Only the patented flank pat system is like having Jan Hankl himself

with you in the room, guiding you step by step

through this unique course of self-betterment and achievementship.

And here are just some of the famous names,

who have personally testified to Jan Hankl's patent flank pat system.

Wilf Long.

And what I love about the Hankl patenty flank pat

and what so many people love about the Hankl panty-planty-planty plant flap

is that it's not just for books, you know.

People are using the system worldwide for so much, much, much, much more.

Finding keys…

Jigsaw pieces…

Earthquake survivors…

Send off for my Jan pankle dangle flat pack today

and I'll also send you this.

Jan Hankl's scissor system

Hankl's new patent system for finding scissors in the kitchen.

The sales task is over

and both teams have made massive profits with their sensible ideas.

So, well done, everyone.

Unfortunately, the format requires that one of you be fired.

Obviously that's a complete departure from what would really happen.

I wouldn't be a millionaire if I fired a fifteenth of my workforce every week.

Just to help me out, does anyone want to pointlessly lie

or try and take credit for something they didn't do?

No.

Worth a try.

Um… okay, I'll fire the fat one.

Sorry.

-As you can see, it's just not working. -It's a shame.

I thought it would be interesting to watch talented business people

competing for a prestigious job.

-I wonder, maybe that's the problem. -Go on.

Well, how would it be if instead,

It was idiots competing for a relatively junior job.

Idiots?

Yeah. We deliberately pick 16 idiots, real idiots, assholes as well,

then we get to watch them screw everything up, it'll be brilliant.

Mm, but if it's so obvious from the start that they're idiots,

surely everyone will just expect them to screw everything up, so what's the point?

The point is everyone will think that they're the only person

to have noticed that the contestants are all idiots.

And I've got a hunch that for some reason

people will think that this never stops being worth commenting upon.

What about the prize? I mean, in the pilot it was a £1 million job.

We can't give £1 million to an idiot. That's what the lottery's for.

Okay, so what's the smallest large amount of money?

You know, the sort of amount

that an idiot would consider it worth totally humiliating himself for?

It's a hundred grand. The smallest large amount of money is a hundred grand.

Excellent.

Yeah. I think I can see it working.

But surely only for one series.

Once people can see all the contestants are idiots, no-one will want to apply.

Idiots will.

It'll make the application process a lot easier, 'cause we'll only get idiots.

So it's coverage of idiots behaving idiotically for an audience of idiots.

It's not just an audience of idiots.

There'll be a lot of other people who flatter themselves

they're watching with a sense of irony and in some way haven't been taken in.

Remind me, how do these ironic non-idiots show up in the ratings?

They show up the same, my friend.

They show up just the same.

You're watching the British Emergency Broadcasting System.

The estimated date is March or November 2013. It's 19 hours.

So now, as usual, it's time for…

The Quiz Broadcast.

Hello, good evening and remain indoors.

This is The Quiz Broadcast coming to you every Friday,

the same day as your food parcels.

So, chow down on a protein fudge,

take whatever injections are recommended in your sector

and prepare to enjoy the show.

Well, it's between 600 and 750 days since the Event,

but that hasn't stopped those of us that survive from enjoying ourselves.

So let's remain indoors and say hello to our contestants.

Hi, there.

Hello.

That's the spirit, unknown male 282.

So let's get on with the game.

First round: Things.

Fingers on buzzers.

What is believed to be the name of this pre-Event leader?

Uh, Heston Blumenthal?

Correct.

Multiple choice.

Which of Shakespeare's three plays

is now thought to be prophetic of the Event?

Is it A: Pericles? B: Cymbeline? Or C: Boeing Boeing?

-Is it a trick question? -It is.

Oh, dear, oh, dear. Some horrible memory from the Event, no doubt.

We all get them.

Yes, indeed. By night we all get them.

Please, everyone, remain indoors.

So while Sheila's being electro-cured, let's see what Peter's won.

That's right, it's fuel.

Oh, Lionel, glad you could make it. Can I get you a drink?

Yeah, something soft. I'm driving.

Parking's an absolute nightmare round here, isn't it?

Had to reverse into the tiniest of spaces. Still, I managed it.

I mean, parking's not exactly brain surgery, is it?

And I should know.

Why's that, are you a doctor?

Careful. Not a doctor. I'm a brain surgeon.

Big difference. Big difference!

Yeah, I actually know a joke about this.

What's the difference between a doctor and a brain surgeon?

One's not exactly brain surgery, the other is brain surgery.

Ah!

So uh, what do you guys do?

I'm an accountant.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah, I could do with an accountant.

Filling in those tax forms can get really confusing, can't it?

Still…

It's not exactly brain surgery, is it?

I mean, brain surgery, believe me, is very complex.

-Are you an accountant too? -Uh, no, I work for a charity.

Oh, that's a very selfless job, isn't it? I really admire you.

I don't think I could ever do what you do.

I say that, because it's emotionally draining, not because it's hard.

I mean…

It's not exactly brain surgery, is it?

-Which, as a brain surgeon, is what I do. -Lionel, here's your drink.

Lionel's a brain surgeon, you know.

Yeah, he mentioned it.

Oh, Jeff, did they keep you late at the space center?

As always, yeah.

I'm just going to hand this food round. Have you met Lionel?

-Uh, no. Hello, Lionel. -So, Jeff, how do you earn a crust?

Well, I'm a scientist, I work mainly with rockets. It's…