Sister Boniface Mysteries

Behold the box of death.

A replica of the one found in the dungeon

of the Marquis de Sade in 1814.

Prepare to be amazed!

But first, I need a volunteer from the audience.

You, sir.

And now I shall be secured inside this formidable

box of death.

Watch the rope burn

and pray that I can make my escape

before the blades above can seal my fate.

The Great Faldini.

I don't know how we're expected to beat that.

It was marvelous. Bravo.

You haven't seen my Tina yet.

Right. Now if somebody could clear this blood up, please.

And if The Great Faldini could move his prop

to the back of the stage so we can carry on the rehearsals.

Judges will be here -- ooh -- just under two hours.

So how did you get out? - Mind your own business, squirt.

Magicians' secrets,

Magicians' secrets, Terry?

Didn't see you there, Len.

How's business?

You know. You've taken most of it.

You can have your poxy kids' parties.

I'll be out of Great Slaughter for good with this new act.

New? That's a good one.

Come on, Len. It's not worth it.

Hey, he's right, old boy.

Time to walk away.

Just like your customers have.

Break it up! That's enough, both of ya!

Um, Sister,

I have a receipt here for, um, strumpets.

I should've been a doctor. That would be crumpets.

But it's for seven guineas and 12 shillings.

Yes, well, at an average of 2.5 a day,

at a cost of two pence a crumpet --

however, given the said amount being consumed in entirety

by an employee of the police,

it's been submitted as a police expense.

It's a fair cop.

Where do you want these?

Sir, if you could -- if you could possibly --

Yep. Audit.

Nasty business.

I don't see why we should have to account for every last groat.

We should be guarding the law, not counting beans.

Hear, hear.

Anyway, one of you lot is off the hook

because WPC Barton is visiting some sick aunt in Salisbury and,

well, I need someone with me.

With you where, sir?

I'm head judging the talent show.

And Button was down for security duty.

So who fancies a fast from pesky paperwork for a couple of days?

You go.

Me?

Give you a chance to absorb the local culture.

Engage with the community.

But what about this?

Well...

Consider it done. You deserve a break from paperwork.

Splendid!

That's settled, then.

Sir, may I ask,

why do you need police presence at the village talent show?

Ho, ho, ho! It can get rather heated.

There's already been a scuffle, I hear.

And this year, the world, his wife and their dog have entered

on account of there being a £500 prize pot.

Wow. That is a lot of money.

Well, it's the 50th anniversary of the talent show.

And Sir Tristan Leakey has offered it to promote

the cultural life of the village,

along with a cup in his name.

The Leakey cup?

Yes, an unfortunate stipulation,

but, well, gift horse looked in the mouth and all that.

Morning, Tom.

Heard you all doing a soliloquy. What's it to be?

Or nar ta be. Harret.

Iconic.

The bard at his very finest.

Don't you think, Sergeant?

A particular favorite of mine.

Ar got you a'lar somming.

What, what, what?

Truffle.

Where on Earth, if you'll pardon the pun,

did you unearth this treasure trove?

Of course. Wouldn't want to spread it about.

Well, jolly decent of you, Tom.

Sir, couldn't that be considered bribery?

Not if he doesn't win.

Miss Beaufort.

Chief Constable Hector Lowsley. Are you lost?

Well, I'm looking for the dressing tent.

I wanted to wish the contestants luck.

Miss Beaufort, may I introduce my daughter, Tina Tiny.

You may have heard of her.

She's making quite a name for herself.

Hello, Tina. I like your costume.

How old are you? - 11.

The little girl with a big voice.

Well, I hope you break a leg in the heats.

Welcome to the heats

of the 50th Great Slaughter talent competition.

I'm your compere, Ted Button.

And your judges -- Sir Tristan Leakey,

this year's generous benefactor,

Chief Constable Lowsley,

and local celebrity judge, Jane Beaufort.

Celebrity. I've never heard of her.

Today will be entirely devoted to the heats due to

the unusually high number of entrants.

They're only here for the prize money.

With the audience finals tomorrow afternoon.

Tina Tiny is a rising child star.

You should be grateful to have her.

Yeah, right. Who wants to see a poor man's Shirley Temple?

You should be disqualified. And Creepy Cuddles.

That's Curly Cuddles.

All right, now, let's keep things cordial.

Remember, folks, it's all about the taking part, yeah?

Well, let's hear it for Tina Tiny,

the little lady with a big, big voice.

Your timing was off on the offbeat double-hop turn.

Let's hope it won't cost you a place in the final.

Stop squirming!

in the refreshments tent, and we recommence in one hour.

Where do you think you're going?

Now watch as I, Curly Cuddles the Conjurer,

dare to escape from this rope.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Put your hands together for Curly Cuddles!

Now, if there are any members of the audience

with a nervous disposition,

can they kindly leave the hall now?

Because the next act, the Great Faldini,

will attempt the box of death.

Ooh!

Behold the box of death.

But first, I need a volunteer from the audience.

Perhaps our esteemed judge will do the honors.

No.

Well, up you go, then.

An honor to have Miss Jane Beaufort

as my assistant.

And now...

Miss Beaufort shall secure this formidable box of death.

Watch the rope as it burns and pray that the Great Faldini

can make his escape before the blades above

seal his fate.

Well, this will be the one to beat.

Keeping us on tenterhooks?

The victim is Terry Smith, a.k.a. the Great Faldini,

also available for weddings,

children's parties, and bar mitzvahs.

Well, no need to ask the cause of death.

It's a variation on a trick by Andre Kole.

The magician climbs into the box and is shut inside,

the candle lit to burn through the rope

and release the knives.

Well, I'm assuming it didn't go according to plan.

Well, the rope ignited and burnt through under 10 seconds,

giving the poor soul no time to make his escape.

Do you mind? This is a crime scene.

I'm sorry. I'll be quiet as a church mouse.

So, misadventure. Well, that makes things simpler.

Have a sniff at that.

I'll wager some sort of accelerant,

in which case this was no magical misadventure.

It's murder.

Right. Well, I'll leave you to take witness statements.

I need to get back to the station.

I have an audit to finish.

Anything of interest?

"Terry, I'll put an end to this once and for all.

Debra."

Well, we've got a "Diandra the poet,"

a cellist named Diana,

and Della the dog hypnotist, but no Debra.

You said the Great Faldini

did a technical rehearsal this morning.

And then the prop was moved to the back of the stage.

Who was in there?

Anyone and everyone.

The contestants were rehearsing until the heats started.

The only time the hall was empty was during the tea break.

When everyone was in the tea tent.

Correct.

Well, no.

Now I come to think of it,

I don't think I saw the kid and her mother.

Did, um -- Did Terry's

technical run-through go smoothly, Ted?

Terry and I were partners for 10 years.

"The Clown and the Magician."