What We Do in the Shadows

Look at this line.

This is the big opening of our nightclub

and everyone is here.

Grundwulf, you old fornicator,

don't you look snazzy?

Frau Blixen, you bitch.

To launch our grand opening, we are going to be presenting

the one

and the only...

Drumroll... Richie Suck!

Wow!

If you are a vampire, then you will know

who Richie Suck is.

He is probably the greatest vampire rap artist

of all time.

He's actually sucked Richie Suck,

haven't you, Phillip?

Bitin' My Style or Sundown Funtown.

And everyone knows Throat Juice.

Richie Suck has not performed

or put out any new music for ten years.

It is said that he has gone into seclusion

to work on his ultimate masterpiece.

Doing his first live performance in over a decade

is a very huge deal for him.

And it's also a huge deal for us.

This is my club, everyone, just so you know.

I'm Nadja,

and it's called Nadja's.

It's my club!

Coming through, that's right.

Um, we're going to try and keep these dogs at bay

for another hour or two, okay, guys?

'Cause we want to try and build anticipation and desire.

I can't tell if she heard me.

Does anyone down here want to see Richie Suck?

I said, are there any vampires in this motherfucking dungeon

who want to see Richie Suck?

And you'll just have to wait a little bit longer

and then you will pay her,

and then you'll probably have to wait a little bit longer.

Yay, we love to wait.

Yeah!

Um, if any of them try to start to kill you,

just let me know and I will send someone down to take your place.

Love the pillows.

I know you haven't had a pillow before,

but they have to be soft.

Everything is in order, Mistress Nadja.

The wraiths have topped off the blood sprinklers.

Wonderful.

People think that a vampire nightclub

is just a 24-hour live suck-and-fuck fest

that prints money.

- But it is not. - No, it's a lot of hard work.

Nandor.

What are you doing just stood there

like a big fat mopey load?

- Where is your undead fiancée? - Marwa is at home.

I'm kind of giving her some space.

Oh.

Can you go and stand over there and just pretend not to listen?

I can do that.

Trouble in paradise already, is it?

It's just...

Marwa is the perfect woman.

- Right. - And I've got the djinn

to make her even more perfect.

I mean, you should see the modifications

we've done to her ass.

- But... - Ass, butt,

whatever you want to call it. It is now perfect.

But... the problem is...

Again, the butt is not the problem.

The problem is that she is so perfect.

I am just worried that...

I am not perfect enough for her.

It's never too late to do some improvements

on yourself, so as...

you would be deserving of her love, huh?

Yes.

I had not thought of that.

Thank you. I will try this.

- And nice hats. - Thank you.

It's okay, thank you. Don't mind if I do?

Ooh, so exciting, ha!

- Mistress Nadja? - Yes?

I am afraid Richie Suck has cancelled.

What?

Motherfucker!

Oh, shit.

Richie Suck lives in a smokestack?

Okay, when we get inside,

I'm going to go in and scare him and be the bad cop,

and you're going to go to him and be very friendly.

- The good cop, you know? - I ain't a cop.

It's a tactic.

Look, I ain't a cop or a narc or a snitch.

It is pretend. Keep your perm on.

Open up!

Can I help you?

Where the hell is Richie Suck?

Take us to him at once.

My master is not to be disturbed.

He's resting right now.

Like hell he is.

He's supposed to be performing tonight.

I'm not inviting you in.

Hey, Tom. Just let them in, Tom.

Oh, come on.

Sounded like an invite to me.

- Thank you. - Move.

Okay, you pussy bitch, I'm telling you,

you cannot cancel the show.

What the fuck are you doing?

- Chillin'? - Chilling?

You need to leave.

My master is way too tired for this.

Good night.

Richie Suck, who the hell is this jackzass?

- This is my familiar, Tom. - Doctor Tom.

And you let him speak to you like this?

I take care of my master.

He's been traumatized by the music business.

Okay, okay. Begone, familiar.

I'm not speaking to you.

This is a vampires-only discussion.

Right, Richie?

Tom protects me from myself,

so you need to be respectful.

- Of a familiar? - I have a name.

Shut up, familiar Tom.

- It's "Doctor Tom." - Oh. A doctor?

Diagnose this.

It's a middle finger in my face.

He's a good doctor.

Hey, guys, what's up?

Before we dive in, be sure to smash

the like button and subscribe.

It really helps up my channel a lot.

So...

Baby Colin is growing at an alarming rate.

Check out this village from Infinity Wars.

It's cool, right?

I mean, last week he was in diapers, and this week

he looks like a six, seven-year-old, maybe?

I mean, every time I buy him a new pair of shoes,

he outgrows them between breakfast and lunch.

But guess what? You can mod it

so it looks just like the set of South Pacific.

- I turn the set... - Oh, no. Gizmo.

There you are. What the fuck have you got that boy doing?

What? I didn't do anything. He does that all on his own.

- I told you I wanted him to grow up... - See?

To be an interesting son of a bitch,

practicing fine art and culture.

So how come he's still doing this boring shit?

To him, this isn't boring. He's just like any other kid

who likes Legos and Roblox and Nerf guns and musi...

- All that stuff. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. And musi...?

- What? - And musi...?

What were you going to say?

Okay.

He really loves musical theater.

Oh, no.

What hath the dark lord wrought?

Stop, okay? Maybe it's good for him.

Maybe it's good for him. It's a good art, no different than

literature or the cinema...

It is not like any other art.

Musical theater is the lowest of all entertainments.

It's a gutter pantomime,

performed by half-wits with painted faces,

enjoyed by lower wits.

Maybe some. But have you ever seen Rent?

From you? Not a penny.

Anyway. Shut up. I forbid it.

No, he's a child. This is who he is.

- And you have to learn to acce... - Don't you fuckin' tell me...

- Hey, guys. - Hey.

Hey, buddy.

- Great to see you. - Guess what? Come look at this.

Wow, big time studio here.

Yeah, I got two subscribers.

You got two subscribers? Someone's a star.

_

Namely, art theft.

No boy of mine's gonna be a pasty-faced musical theater nut

with a Sondheim lyric for every occasion.

- Lazzo, guess what? - What?

Do you know what knolling is?

It's... Hey!

So knolling is this thing in Legos where you, like,

organize all the pieces before you build it. Oh!

No more musicals and Legos. It's time to grow up.

Bat.

Once I learned how to knoll,

I threw away all my Lego instruction booklets.

Fantastic.

- Use this magic powder... - Uh-huh.