Up the River

Look at this, a roadster. And the gang promised me a limousine.

- It's piecrust to you, ain't it? - Shut up, you sap.

We ain't out of danger yet. It's 10 miles to town. Well, so long.

I hope I never see you again.

- Boy, I hate these country prisons. - I hate all prisons.

- The food is bad. - Well, listen. Next time–

There ain't gonna be any next time. Not for me.

- No? What are you gonna do for a livin'? - Start a chicken farm.

You can start with 100 eggs, and by saving the pullets...

at the end of the year you'll have 10,000 eggs.

- Yeah? Listen. Get out and fix that. - What's the matter?

- I think we got a flat tire. - Flat tire?

That's luck for you. I don't see any flat tire.

No? Well, buy a mirror!

Hey, there!

Friends, we will hear from Brother Dan...

once lost in the sea of sin...

but now safe on the shores of love.

Praise be! Praise be! Praise be!

Friends, you wouldn't "tink" to look at me now that I once was as wicked as you.

But, yea, verily, there's no sinner among you what I can't call "brudder."

You know how I got lost in crime and sin? Bad company.

But I found the error of my ways. I found that crime don't pay.

Now I'm happy in the light and love the whole world.

Praise be! Praise be!

Yeah, even the-the depraved wretch what led me into sin...

even him I love and forgive.

And remember, "brudders," crime don't pay.

No, sir. Crime don't pay.

And verily, I say to you...

even the depraved wr– louse... what led me into sin...

even him I love and forgive.

And there is a blow of vengeance coming

what– on all sinners what knows no mercy.

There is retribution for all. And there is "tunderbolts" comin' from the sky...

on your head, unexpected.

And verily I say to you, the wages of sin is a punch in the jaw, you louse!

What are you pinchin' me for? He's the one that did it!

Twenty-four, 26...

28, 30, 32...

34, 36, 38, 40, 42.

Another one? Hello, Al. Another load?

- Howdy, Joe. Yeah. - Got another load for you.

- Oh, look at the mug on that guy. - Look at that pan!

Say, is there a piccolo player in the crowd?

Why, no, sir. But I can play a saxophone.

So that's what you're in for.

For three months,

I been tryin' to get a piccolo player, and all they send up is saxophones.

Just a lot of punks. That's all.

Oh, now that's a shame.

What'd you do, boy, rob your mama's bank?

Poor kids. What do you think of that?

- Ain't that a dirty shame? - Get the pan on this guy.

I been in this jail 40 years...

and the saps they send up here gets worse and worse.

It's gettin' to be a day nursery.

They wouldn't even allow those kind of guys in here in my time.

How'd they keep 'em out? Blackball 'em?

You know what they'd have called Big Pete in my day?

- What? - A sissy.

Yeah, there was men in those days–

men with needles in their chests, men like meself.

Come on over and play ball.

Just one week before the big game, and they had to go and pardon the pitcher.

It's politics. That's what it is– politics.

- Somebody higher up don't want us to win. - You know who it is?

The governor.

Jessell!

Well, if it ain't little Morris. So you're here!

Yes, I'm here. And you're here too, where you belong.

You got me all wrong, kid.

I lost more money on that horse than you did.

Did you, Jessell? Did you lose your position and money and friends?

And mother? She died at my trial. You killed her.

- If it hadn't been for you – - Shut up, you little swine.

- You were a thief long before I knew you. - That's a lie! Take it back!

Cut it out! Go on. Scram!

Don't do that. Come on. Don't take it so hard.

I can't help it. How did your family feel?

Well, they don't know.

I changed my name. They think I'm in China.

- How'd you do that? - Well, I got friends out there.

They forward my letters home and cable my folks once a month.

I'll see you around. I work in the office there.

Got a lot of new fish coming in. You know, associates, inmates.

Come on, son. Buck up, boy.

Come on, you fellas, will you? Come on.

All right, Pop. What's the hurry?

- I got plenty of time– 30 years. - Nix, only 20 for me.

Say, do you think they'd mind if I was to join in?

- Can you play ball? - Why, sure.

Go on and get over there then. Pop'll plaster you with kisses. Hurry up.

And this is the men's yard.

Aren't you afraid here with all these dreadful characters?

Oh, dear, no. They're just like little children to me.

In fact, to all the welfare workers.

Watch it.

Oh, how do you do, Mrs. Massey?

- How do you do? - So jolly to see you again.

Uh, I missed you terribly last Thursday.

Had some friends up from the city. Charming people.

They were very disappointed not to meet you.

Well, cheerio. See you again.

- You see? - And who is he?

Electrical genius. Wiretapper.

Hi, Dooley.

Famous strangler.

Now we go over to the welfare rooms. You see? They're right over there.

Don't be afraid.

He's just amusing little Jean...

the warden's daughter.

Jean, say hello to my friends.

- How do you do? - How do you do, dear?

Have you a kiss for Mrs. Massey?

- Yes, Mrs. Massey. I gave it to Rex. - The dog?

Let's go over to the welfare room.

- Okay, what's next, Eddie? - Try this one, Jean.

That-a-boy, Eddie.

- Oh, I can do that! - No, you can't.

Geez, that-a-girl!

Here's one you can't do. Walk on your ear, Jean.

No. Of course not!

I got him.

Look this way please.

Keep smilin' now.

Big smile, St. Louis.

All right, one with your lawyer, St. Louis.

Come on. Get over here, Marvin.

- Thanks! - Thank you.

Come on, buddy. Move up. Guy with the camera, move up.

Through here. Number one, right here please.

- Number two, right here. - Well, hello, Sophie.

- Number three – - Hello, Kitty. Glad to see you back again.

Lemme see. I ain't seen you in about a month, ain't it?

I know.

Well, come on. I'm gonna take care of you two myself.

Lovely. By golly, you girls– I'm going to check these two girls in personally.

How's it been?

Everything is lovely. We've got a new wing on the place.

The mockingbirds are singing just the same.

- Name? - Judith Fields.

- Age? - Twenty-one.

- Your first offense? - The first time they caught me.

- Fraud? - I told fortunes.

And they gave you three years for that?

Well, after I'd finished telling fortunes, I'd, uh...

recommend certain oil stocks.

Oh.

Well, then, you worked with someone?

- A broker. - Did you know what you were doing?

- Of course. - Well, then, why?

It was fun! I always wanted to travel.

You know, we never hit the same town twice. Oh, you can't understand.

Oh, yes, I do. I've felt the same way.

- I was headed for China. - China?

- Gee, I'd love that. - Gee, you know...

we had jobs out there– three of us boys and, well, then this came up.

And you threw that over to work here?

No, you don't understand.

I don't work here. I belong here.

- A convict? - Yes.

But we call ourselves inmates.

- Gee, that's tough. You don't look it. - Well, neither do you.

Well, tell me, uh, what– what did you do?

A fight, just before the boat sailed.

- The other boy– - What a rotten break.

Married?

No.

Engaged?

- Say, is that on the card? - Oh, no.

What are you in for?

Shoplifting. I was framed!

Sure. We all was framed.

- What's yours? - Spittin' in a river.

Gee, I didn't know they could pinch you for that.

Why, you told Mrs. Massey it was for winkin' at a cop.

- For not winkin' at a cop. - Terrible creature!

Well, at least she don't scare 'em to death with blackmail.

Is it necessary that I wait in here with these other persons?

Cut the ritz! We was all arrested and here we are, in the "cansky."

- Who's she? - Edith La Verne.

- I don't see what men see in her. - Oh, is that the love thief?

- The extortionist. - Extortionist?

Honey, was you in the circus?

I'm so sorry for them. Really, I–

And these are the women!

Come, girls.

Yes, sir.

Say, there's nobody but ladies allowed in here.

So I see. We want to see the warden a minute.

St. Louis!

Okay, boys.

Hey, buddy, buddy, where's the warden?

Oh, you got company.

Not a bad jail.

- Hey, hey, what's the idea? - Hello, Warden. How are you?

Well, St. Louis, glad to have you with us.

Hello, Curly. Say, listen, Warden.

I want to make a little bargain with you.