Random Tropical Paradise

Fuck! Fuck!

Come on. Come on.

Are you sure that we should be doing this right now?

Okay? There are people outside waiting.

They're going to wonder where we are.

All right, we're going to have plenty of time after the wedding.

I don't want to wait until after the wedding.

I want you right now.

Come on.

Come on!

God.

Christine!

What the fuck?

Hey, I'm so sorry, man.

I wanted to wait until after the wedding but she wanted to do this right now.

Holy shit!

- Bowie, I need you to... - It's fine, man. I'm gonna get out...

Damn, dude! That's a big wiener.

- That's a big... - Come on, man!

- I'm sorry. - Zip it up, please.

I mean, I don't know if it'll fit, though, right?

Not the time. Wildly inappropriate right now.

Can't you just focus on the guests, please?

The wedding is obviously off.

Great. I'm here for you. You're my little king and I love you.

You...

You're garbage trash.

And I always knew that.

I can't wait to never see you again.

Garbage trash.

And you, I don't like you either, but I respect

what's going on down there. Let's get out of here.

- I'm really sorry, man. - Fuck off.

- Yup. - Yeah.

So,

you know this is all your fault, right?

Hi.

Hello.

My name is beauregard Pemberton iv.

For those of you who don't know me I am the best man for this wedding betwixt

my dear friend Harry and his surprisingly accommodating fiancee Christine.

You guys don't get that joke, that's for sure.

First of all, I'd just like to start by saying that I am very happy

that everyone from Harry's bachelor party

made it out and is here and not dead.

Wes, those eyebrows are growing back.

Good for you, bud.

Anyway, that's not why I'm here, guys.

I'm here to tell you guys a story.

A story of waiting.

Waiting for that perfect moment.

That perfect day.

This story is about a young boy.

Let's just call him

me.

This story is about that young boy's

unbridled love

for guns n' roses.

Now in the mid to late '90s you guys have to understand

that coming off the giant success

of both use your illusions I and ii,

anticipation was high because this young boy was finally

old enough to attend his first guns n' roses concert.

Snake dancing in front of the mirror,

picking out that perfect bandana.

It was red, of course.

And when that night came for the concert he was there,

in that arena,

section 352, row q, seat 77.

That's when that...

Son of a bitch announcer came over the loudspeaker.

I always have trouble with this part.

Paradise city, wherever it exists...

was not in Atlanta, Georgia that day.

Guns n' roses had broken up.

So I think I explained everything pretty good.

I'll open up the floor to some questions.

Even though I'm not quite sure which one of them

is the axl in this situation.

I'm going to have to get some more details later. Nobody?

You don't even want to ask me what my favorite song is? Civil war.

Guys, the wedding is not happening is what I'm saying.

What?

Okay, calm down. Calm down, it's fine.

I thought I really walked you guys into that.

I feel like you guys are overreacting.

Hey, guys, guys, guys. It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.

Okay, the road to happiness is not a straight path, okay?

It's bumpy.

If Harry and Christine want to make it work

they will make it work, okay, guys?

Look at guns n' roses. They figured it out.

I mean sure, slash and the band were irreplaceable.

But the buckethead years were all right

and Chinese democracy had like two good songs.

Plus we got velvet revolver out of it

and those guys fucking rule.

So it could be worse.

Guns n' roses is happy. I'm happy.

Harry will be happy. Christine is a bitch.

And, hey, gnr kind of got back together.

Anything is possible.

The kids will be all right.

That's all I'm saying.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck!

Fuck.

Fuck!

Okay, that is it for the wedding.

Thank you guys so much.

Um, I will see you at the next one.

"To Harry and Christine,"

"may you share the most romantic of meals together over these dishes."

"Love Joey and Britney."

That's like, really nice.

Yeah.

Pull!

Dude, in all fairness,

there are game of thrones weddings that were less bloody than yours today.

Not really funny. -But look at it on the bright side.

At least you found out before you married her.

Yeah, five minutes before.

Yeah, that's still before though.

I mean, otherwise you would have been having sloppy seconds on your own wedding night, dude.

Also not funny.

Excuse me?

Yeah, hey.

We're not really sure what you want us to do here.

Yeah, so I think we're just going to, um, go. -Take off.

No, no, please stay. Everything's fine.

I already paid you guys.

If he wants you to stay then you fucking stay.

Okay? He had a shit day, he almost married a skank

and he's a prince amongst men! It's his wedding night!

And this is the wedding reception

but it's not a wedding reception without a wedding band. It's not a wedding reception without a wedding.

Psycho. Please don't make me write you guys a bad review on yelp.

He yelps like a maniac!

He's like an angry mama on that thing!

Okay...

Play a song.

- One song! - Thank you.

That was a lot. -Had to get my point across. Sure. Anyway, dude,

this could be a blessing in disguise.

Look at all our married friends. What do they have in common?

That they're all married?

They're in captivity! That's what marriage is.

They have that same glazed-over look that lions at the zoo have.

You know why you've never heard a lion at the zoo roar?

Because I'm a grown man and I don't go to the zoo?

Okay, I'm a grown man and I go to the zoo all the time.

- Is there something weird about it? - It's kind of weird.

I got an annual pass. What, am I not gonna use it?

That's ridiculous!

Does your lion metaphor have a point?

You never hear lions roar at the zoo

because you need fucking balls to roar, man!

- They're good. - Yeah, like, really good.

Can I ask you a question?

Shoot.

How did we get here, man?

Well, my hillbilly cousin gave me this gun as a wedding present

and now we're using it to destroy all the other wedding presents.

No, not here...

Man, how did we get here

in life?

How could you stay with someone so long, let alone almost marry them,

when the whole time you guys were together

she treated you so...

I don't know what the word...

'Cause I don't want to offend you, because you're a fragile guy right now.

What is the word I'm looking for?

- Cold? - Cunty.

Careful.

I don't know, man.

When you're in something, you only see what you want to see, right?

And I saw the girl that i was supposed to marry.

On paper she was perfect.

I mean, so was bitcoin when you think about it.

You never suspected this?

No, actually, i didn't see this coming.

I totally thought this would be more of a murder-suicide situation.

Yeah. Wait, what?

She was going to kill you, dude. That's for sure.

But then I like to think in my fantasy world,

she would at least have the courage

to turn the gun on herself afterwards.

Is this the shit you actually think about?

I know, right? It's weird.

Okay, do you guys know real songs at all or do you just eavesdrop?

She checked all the boxes.

This one, okay. Let's hear 'em. Okay.

Number one, she had a good job.

You paid for everything!

She's pretty... -She never fucked you, so who cares?

She comes from a really good family.

Dude, her dad called me the n-word. We had a plan.

Harry, I know you have plans. You fucking love plans.

But you need to realize that plan sucked.