They/Them/Us

We've all heard of the G-spot.

But on today's episode of Mastering Her Mysteries,

we take you on a search for the elusive A-spot.

The A-spot is located about two inches

deeper in the vagina than the G-spot.

The best way to find it is to reach in with two fingers

and move them in kind of a windshield wiper motion

instead of in and out.

Dad?

What are you listening to?

Hockey game.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, that smell is coming from Danny's room, again.

I will deal with it.

He's really taking advantage of you, you know?

Who are you talking to?

No one.

Dad, you have children, remember?

I will be there in a second.

- Dad! - Okay.

Goddammit, Danny.

- What did we say about this? - I forget.

Did you even read the article I sent you?

Remind me?

About pot and its negative effect

on the frontal lobe of the adolescent male brain.

Oh, that one. Yes, thanks.

It was super compelling.

You cannot smoke pot in this house, it's illegal.

The laws are in a constant state of flux.

It's very confusing.

He's also flirting with my friends.

I'm sorry, but you have lost

all moral authority to judge me.

I'm your father.

In name only.

Dad, are you gonna stand for that?

Don't worry, I'm handling it.

Ahh!

Yo...

I'll be back.

Where are you going?

To talk to your mother.

Oh, can you take me?

No, it's my night.

Shit.

Finally, ready to move back in?

Danny's smoking a lot of pot, again.

Really strong pot.

Well, you ruined his life, what do you expect?

How is this my fault?

You abandoned the family.

You need to man up and come back.

A child needs two parents.

He has two parents.

Under the same roof.

Our relationship is over, Deborah.

Our son is taking massive quantities

of drugs and we need to deal with this together.

This is a very stressful situation.

Why don't you come inside and we will discuss it.

We're divorced. It's over.

Let's work on it

for the sake of the children...

No. Don't try and manipulate me

after what you did.

After what I did?

When a 20 year old texts her teacher

that she's dreaming about his penis,

the proper response is not the wide eyed emoji.

I made a mistake. Don't you think I beat myself up about that every day?

I wanted to teach you a lesson. You needed to grow up.

You didn't have to go to the administration

and get me fired. Who does that to their husband?

You're okay. You got a new job.

Yeah. And where is that job?

Hm.

Huh.

[quirky investigative instrumental]

We are so blessed to be able

to find a real movie teacher to come here

and a bona fide Christian one, too.

Thanks for taking a chance on me, Provost Rawlings.

We believe in second chances, don't we?

But the fact is,

the college is having enrollment problems

and we're counting on you to save us.

- Great. - Yeah.

The Chronicle of Christian Colleges

says students really like watching movies

and you get 40% more students

if you start a movie program.

We call it a film program, actually.

I don't care what you call it, cupcake,

just hit that 40%.

Everybody, I want to introduce Professor Goldman.

He's going to be our new movie teacher.

Film teacher.

Praise Jesus, guys.

- Lisa. - Charlie.

- Hey. - Hi.

You're Lisa Harper.

You're a famous artist.

There's no such thing as a famous artist

in Columbus, Ohio, Charlie but...

I was at your show opening last year.

I remember.

I just want to be clear with you right from the start:

I meant what I said in my profile.

I am really just playing the field right now.

I'm not interested in monogamy

- or a relationship... - No, neither am I.

I mean, we're grown ups with kids and responsibilities.

The last thing I want is a serious commitment.

Oh yeah.

Yes.

You said you had two kids, right?

Mm-hm.

Maddie is 18 and Courtney is 15.

Where's their dad?

He um, he moved to Europe.

A long time ago. We don't see him.

Sorry. That's awful.

No, don't feel sorry for us.

Oh. Okay.

Mm. Mm.

Have you heard of the A-spot?

Uh, I think you mean the G-spot?

This is the G-spot's sexy next door neighbor.

Um, oh. Mm.

I think what you're going for

might be a little bit if you would just um...

Oh, bold.

Slower.

Harder.

Deeper.

Smarter.

Faster now.

Yeah, that's it.

Faster now.

Faster, faster.

Slower now, slower.

Wow! Oh, my God!

Wow!

Oh, wow, oh.

Woah.

Mm.

Can I see you later?

Oh, I um, have a rule never

to see the same person twice in a week.

Oh right. You said that.

- You don't want to get... - Get attached. Yeah.

But uh, I had a great time.

So did I. So maybe next week?

Yeah.

Well. In fact, today's Saturday,

so next week starts tomorrow.

Mm, alright, so maybe...

Thursday. Hmm?

Mm. I was actually thinking

tomorrow's Sunday but if we go on a date tonight,

it'll already be next week by the time we're done.

Okay.

So uh, I met someone I really like.

You, the Tinder Queen?

Hey, stop your yapping.

- -

I'm trying to concentrate!

- - Sorry, Dr. Fun.

Take that, my little squeaky toys.