Resident Alien

Previously on "Resident Alien"... This is what is left of my spaceship.

This happened to you because you went to space.

I don't think that's how space works.

‐ What else could it be? ‐ I have no idea.

That little shit pocket.

I forgot to tell you, my people are coming to kill everyone.

You're an alien, you know, phone home.

Call them and tell them not to come.

I will try to build a radio and contact my people.

The government is after him.

They know that I know who he is.

What?

And they went back to their base,

and now they're driving around searching for him.

How do you know where their base is?

We have our ways.

Hello, Asta. We need to speak

with Dr. Vanderspeigle about that severed foot.

Well, I'll be.

Botulinum toxin‐‐ the murder weapon.

‐ Oh, no. ‐ Where is he, Asta?

‐ He went to hide in the cellar.

‐ Dr. Vanderspeigle!

‐ Whoa, what's with the guns? ‐ Asta?

‐ What in holy hell?

‐ That faint one there is Mars,

the god of war.

And over there is Venus, the goddess of fertility.

‐ Venus rhymes with penis.

‐ D'arcy, Judy, that's not funny.

‐ Is there a girl hero?

‐ Olivia Baker, did we raise our hand before we spoke?

‐ Ben didn't raise his hand.

‐ Ben is working on being more assertive,

so it's okay for him.

‐ Wow, what's that?

‐ Let's go! Asta, Kayla, come on!

‐ Cool! ‐ Wait up!

‐ Hey, hey! Never leave a fire unattended.

‐ I'll stay.

‐ Wait for me, kids. Hey, you can't go alone!

‐ I looked, but there was nothing.

I didn't see anything. ‐ I did. I saw something.

‐ Olivia Baker, you know the rules about lying.

‐ Did you really see something?

‐ No.

‐ Dr. Vanderspeigle!

Dr. V!

Where the hell is he? Oh, shit!

Put your hands above your head right now.

You're under arrest for the murder of Sam Hodges.

‐ What? Harry, what's going on?

‐ You're going to have to catch me first.

‐ Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

Deputy, we got ourselves a werewolf!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Hey! Hey!

‐ Don't shoot him!

‐ Him? That's a goddamn it!

You need a silver bullet in your ass,

you albino‐ass werewolf mother‐‐

‐ No, he won't hurt you if you don't hurt him!

He's an alien!

‐ I knew they existed.

‐ You know what?

I think we deserve a toast with our toast.

Good work on the Severed Foot Killer, Deputy.

It's gonna be nice to move on to something else.

‐ Thank you, sir. You too.

‐ Mmm. ‐ Mmm.

I don't want to put my "foot"

in my mouth...

‐ But I think we deserve to have more of this bacon.

And maybe even a raise!

‐ Ha! You know what?

Now that I think about it, you're absolutely right.

I mean, now's the time, and you've certainly earned it.

Let's get some more of that bacon.

Morning, Dr. V.

‐ Howdy.

‐ How...dy.

‐ Wow, I guess it worked.

‐ I am an alien.

We are very good at changing peoples' memories

to suit our purposes.

They will not be a problem anymore.

‐ Deputy, let's get into the car

and drive out to Dr. Vanderspeigle's house.

We need to talk to him about some murder stuff.

‐ Sheriff Michael Thompson, Deputy Olivia Baker,

Special Agent Fisher, FBI.

We're tracking down the Dead Foot Killer.

We've been following your movements

for quite some time now,

and I have to say, you two do excellent work.

‐ Thank you. You've made me feel good about myself,

so I'm open to what you're going to say next.

‐ We wouldn't be where we are if it wasn't for you both.

But the time has come for us to take over this case.

‐ Well, if you're taking over,

we should stop looking into the crime.

‐ Exactly. I can only tell you one thing about the case.

The murderer is not Harry Vanderspeigle.

‐ Well, you're lucky they bought that.

You know, when we were in the crevasse,

I saw you were an alien.

Why didn't you replace my memory?

‐ Because I am not alone anymore.

You can thank me if you want.

‐ For what?

‐ I killed the man who killed your friend Sam.

You are welcome.

‐ Okay, Harry... ‐ Hmm?

‐ You're still a murderer.

‐ No. I am a murderer murderer. It's very different.

‐ You can rationalize your murderer murder all damn day.

But guess what.

Abigail Hodges is still accused of a murder she didn't commit.

‐ So what? You do not even like her.

‐ What is wrong with you?

Do you really have no empathy whatsoever?

‐ That is not what is wrong with me.

That is what is right with me.

‐ Maybe you should try

putting yourself in other people's shoes.

‐ Ugh! Other people's shoes smell like other people's feet.

‐ Hi, I'm Ben Hawthorne,

Mayor of peaceful Patience, Colorado,

where sometimes bad things happen

that are totally unrelated.

Some of the highest peaks in Colorado

are right here in Patience, but you know what's really low?

Our mortality rate.

‐ I don't think you should say "mortality."

‐ No? ‐ No.

‐ No good? You're right, it's a little too dark.

‐ Mm‐hmm. ‐ Yeah. Uh, Alexa?

What is another word for "mortality"?

‐ Synonyms for "mortality" meaning "death"

include "fatality," "bloodshed," or "dying."

‐ Alexa, stop.

Uh, you know what?

Let's just lose the whole, you know, death theme.

‐ Yeah. ‐ Yeah. Keep it positive.

‐ Yeah, keep it light. ‐ Keep it loose.

‐ Yeah. ‐ Okay, let me, uh‐‐

let me just try some of these.

Come on down to Patience.

We still have a working phone booth.

We have a pretty good dentist.

Our meth hospitalizations have been way down

since we legalized marijuana.

So come to Patience

for some good, clean family fun, you hear?

How'd that get in there?

‐ See, honey, this is‐‐ this is why I said not to use

the cloud for these‐‐ it's not safe.

‐ Oh, don't be so uptight.

What's the worst that happens, huh?

Somebody hacks into our account

and sees pictures of our BDSM kink play?

‐ What's BDSM kink play? ‐ It's‐‐uh, it's‐‐

‐ Did we get a new game? ‐ It's nothing.

It's nothing. No, we did not, okay?

Go clean your room‐‐my cousin Carlyn's coming for the night.

‐ Can I play kink play with you and your cousin?

No!

‐ Uh, because she and I are going hiking.

You go clean your room.

‐ So how long will building this radio take?

Can I help? ‐ Ha! Ha!

I don't know. Can a newborn pig help perform cardiac surgery?

‐ All right, you might want to think of another metaphor

before I push you into traffic.

I'm just trying to save the human race here.

‐ My problem is I do not have a lot of time to build it,

and human technology is very limited.

‐ I don't know what to tell you, Harry.

Get creative.

You know, E. T. used a freakin' Speak & Spell.

‐ E. T. was an idiot.

Obviously, sexy.

Very attractive...

but so dumb.

‐ Well, at least we have fewer distractions

now that your criminal past is taken care of.

‐ Almost taken care of.

Now it is taken care of. ‐ Are you serious?

Maybe don't throw a deadly toxin

where any kid can just grab it. ‐ Mm.

‐ Have you not watched enough "Law & Order" to know

you don't just throw evidence into a trash can?

Who's the idiot now?

‐ Still E. T.

Beautiful moron.

What?

‐ Dr. Vanderspeigle, I am so glad you're home.

This is my cousin Carlyn.

‐ Hi. Sorry.

‐ We were out hiking, and she tripped and cut her knee open.

I was hoping you could help. ‐ And she's dying?