It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

A reading from the Holy Bible.

Genesis, chapter one. "God created the heaven and the

earth, and the earth was without form and void, and darkness was

upon the face of the deep..." Hey, buddy, do we

have to be kneeling this entire time?

Yeah, this is not comfortable.

I mean, it's gonna get uncomfortable.

Yes, you need to be kneeling. It's 11:58, and Mac Day's about

to officially start. I want there to be ceremony.

Are we gonna be in the dark the whole time?

My goodness, this is a lot of complaining.

Charlie, can you please remind everyone of the rules?

We are about to officially begin Mac Day.

For the entirety of this day, we will forced to do everything Mac

wants us to do. And if anyone is caught

complaining? An extra day is added to Mac

Day. If you cannot resist the urge to

complain, you are allowed one scream a day to the ceremonial

screaming pillow. That's right.

Charlie, when it was your day, did I complain about searching

for goblins for ten hours straight?

Well, ghouls, and, no, they didn't complain, 'cause we found

three. It was pretty sweet. We found none.

Yeah? We found no ghouls, we found

no goblins, we found no gremlins, because they don't exist. Well...

Guys, this whole thing was meant to bring us closer

together, and by the end of it, you're gonna feel a little bit

closer to me, and if I've done my job right, a little bit closer to God. Yes.

Because I've modeled my day after the seven days of God's

creation, making my one day feel like an entire week.

Oh! Come on, man. Really?

Oh, come on, will you? For crying out loud, my knees

are...

Three, two, one, begin! On the first day, God said, "Let there be...

Mac."

Seven straight hours of lecturing?

Yeah, and five hours alone dedicated to the evils of homosexuality... from him?

Did anyone else notice that he had an erection the entire time?

Of course.

How could you miss it?

I mean, it was, like, shooting... It was right there.

Shh, shh, shh-- here he comes.

Okay, guys, I want to introduce a new theme to the day.

So I'd like to infuse the religious angle with the theme of badass.

And I quote once again from Genesis.

"And God said, 'Let there be a firmament in the midst of the

waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.'

And God made the firmament and divided the waters which were

under the firmament from the waters which were above the

firmament. And it was so."

There you have it. There we have what?

Uh, the what...? What are you saying?

It's water. I'm saying "water," 'cause it

said water, like, eight times. So, it's water.

That's what the whole thing is-- water.

Water what? Water and badass, badass and water. Ah.

Yes! We're doing a Project Badass

video over the Schuylkill River. Yes! Yes!

Ah! Yes!

Ah. All right! Hey!

Do you guys hear the motorcycle?

I have another special surprise. We will be joined by my cousin

all day! Your cousin?

Yeah, my cousin from the country.

I haven't seen him in, like, forever, but, guys, trust me.

He's, like, the second biggest badass I know, so it's gonna

be awesome. Country Mac coming to the big

city.

Country Mac! Hey, City Mac!

Holy shit, there's two of them.

Okay, I think I like this framing.

I don't even know what it is you want us to do.

Well, I'm gonna jump from the Strawberry Mansion Bridge.

What?! Yes!

Holy shit! What do you mean, from it?

To the water? What?!

Yeah, I'm gonna jump from the top of the bridge to the water.

Okay, I need you to act like concerned citizens, but I need

this to feel real, okay, guys? So, I need you to be neutral

about the jumper prior to the jump, 'cause you don't know me.

You don't know this man. But I need you to react at the

same time because I need to draw the jump in later to match your

reaction. You lost me there.

What do you mean, "Draw the jump?"

You're not jumping? No, I'm not gonna jump.

Of course I wouldn't jump. I draw it in later because it's

like a post effect. Well, what's badass about

that? Your reaction is badass, you

know? I want you to scream, "Badass!

You know, that dude is badass! I've never seen anything as

badass as that." You know? Oh...

But don't say my name, 'cause you don't know this man.

That's why it feels real, you know?

Now, later, if you want to do, like, a Rudy-type situation

where you carry me through the streets of Philadelphia, you

know, that's cool. We won't.

I can put that in the schedule.

It's not a post effect? No, that's a practical

fect, that would happen real, but only if it's organic, you

know? This is a goddamn mess, this

whole thing's a goddamn mess. I'm lost, I'm lost.

You guys lost? You're not gonna be badass,

but you're gonna... And we're not gonna react?

This is all sounding a little bit like a complaint from you

guys. Who's complaining?!

We don't know what's going on! We don't know you.

: Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac!

Badass! Badass! Badass! Badass! Badass!

All right, Country Mac, let's do...

Keep it going. Keep it going. All right.

Let's do this! Let's do this! Badass.

Badass.

It's pretty high, it's good. It's excellent, it's gonna be

great. You better jump quick before

somebody tries to stop you. Trust me, no one's gonna try

and stop me. Jump, asshole!

Yep. See, in the big city, nobody cares whether you live or

die. Jump, you pussy!

All right, have a nice day. Okay, so, I'm gonna run to the

end, book as fast as I can to the fence, climb up to the top,

stop, climb back down to safety. That's it.

So, you're not gonna jump? I don't jump, okay?

Why does everybody think I jump? Nobody jumps.

Evel Knievel didn't jump. Johnny Knoxville doesn't jump.

Okay, this is big Hollywood stuff, okay? Just stand back.

I don't want you to get hurt. Let me handle it.

Oh, wow! Oh, there's a man standing on the bridge.

What?! Yes, he looks like...

Look at that. His name is Mac.

No, we don't know his name. We don't know it.

Oh. His name is Rudy, I believe,

you guys. That's what it was-- Rudy.

We don't know what his name is, and that's okay, but we

don't know each other. Hi. How are you?

Nice to meet you. Oh, hi, hi, but it looks like

he may commit suicide. Ah!

Oh! Suicide is badass.

Right! No, no, no, no, Rudy's not

trying to kill himself. We don't know his name.

He just likes to jump, I guess.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. Mac is the one who's the

badass, remember that. Badass.

No, we don't... Will you stop, stop, stop?

Everybody stop. Come on, guys. What are we doing?

I don't know what we're doing.

We got to get on the same page.

It's so unclear. He gave us, like...

Don't know what we're doing. Maybe just you talk.

Well, whatever it is, we got to get on the same page.

Otherwise, we're gonna have to do it over and over and over...

Did someone just go plop?

Looked like it. Someone just jumped.

Someone jumped. He jumped! That's it!

He jumped, guys! He jumped! The day's over, the day's over.

Country Mac is gone, he's dead. Let's get out of here.

Look! Look, look, look! What? What? Oh.

Whoa! Oh, holy shit! Oh, my God!

Oh, wow! Wow! Whoa!

Well, how'd that look? Oh, amazing! All right!

How did it look? How'd it look? Badass!

It looked badass, dude. I cannot believe you jumped.

Whoa! No, that's not really

badass, guys. That's dangerous. Um, can we put him on our

shoulders and parade him around like Rudy?

I'm feeling that now. I want to do that.

I'm feeling that now. Yeah, yeah...

No, no, no, no, no, I don't

think that's gonna work anymore. That's not gonna fit into our

schedule, you know? I mean... I mean, it was your idea...

No, we're very full.

We're very full now. This is not gonna play.

We're gonna move on to day four now.

Well, wait, wait, wait, wait. You skipped day three.

Uh, day three is when God created trees and grass and

nature. You know, kind of a bullshit

day, so we're gonna move on to day four where God created the

stars.

If you look at the Orion constellation and then track

across to the Big Dipper, you'll see a gaseous, cloud-like area.

: Okay, I'm gonna need you guys to go ahead and

ignore everything that this clown is saying.

God created the stars 5,000 years ago.

Uh, who has the pillow? I need a pillow.

I think I thought of a way

that we can work day three into this experience.

No, we're on day four. And, besides, there's no trees

or herbs in the planetarium. But there's herb.

Hmm? Who wants to smoke a "J"?

Oh, shit. You brought weed? No, no, no, we're not smoking

weed, okay? It's still illegal in the state

of Pennsylvania. Puff, puff, pass, bitches.

Yeah. Yeah, come on, Mac, shut up.

I thought you were a badass. There's nothing

badass about breaking the law, Charlie.

This is gonna make it way more fun, dude.

This isn't about fun. It's about fearing God, okay?

I'm trying to convert you guys. Oh, my God, is that what this

is about? You're not gonna convert me in

one day. I don't believe in God.

Well, you should. Because if you don't, God will