Huff

You think shaving's gonna make a difference?

Fine. Cut away.

Don't you have somewhere else to be?

Unfortunately, no.

The dread in your stomach is like a magnet to me.

Such a pull. I can't get away from it.

And neither can you, which is a good sign.

Yeah. Well, it'll pass. Trust me. I've been here before.

No. No, no. No. The beard is nice.

You know, a sign of evilness is not having remorse.

No matter what this thing, if you have remorse, you have hope.

If not, well then welcome to the lake of fire and the gnashing of teeth.

Well, then look at the bright side.

I have remorse.

You know, just because your wife had a dinner party and didn't invite you

is no real excuse to drink squid juice and sexual intercourse with a korean woman.

That place was crazy, wasn't it?

Oh, yeah.

I'm just glad that she was an actual woman. You know what I mean?

So, how's your day looking?

I'm gonna get dressed and go to work and try to help people.

Jesus. You know, you could use a 12-step program for helping.

All right. Enjoy your day.

Oh! Good morning, buddy.

Jesus Christ.

How you doing?

I'm all right.

Really?

Yeah. Why?

I don't know, man.

Haven't really seemed yourself since we went out and tore it up the other night.

Well, I'm fine.

Could we not talk about this while you're shitting, please?

Hey, man, you see what happened to that egg and cheese croissant in the freezer?

Uh, I think I ate that.

Aha. Hey, man, you check out the L.A. Times today?

No, I haven't.

Really fucking groovy stuff nin the real estate section, man.

Especially the rentals.

Arnold, Arnold, Arnold. And you were doing so well.

Oh, morning, gram.

Dr. Bernbaum called like twice.

Twice? Whoa.

Is my blood work, uh, abnormal?

I don't know. He didn't say anything.

Well, that's slightly alarming.

I have a question for you, Byrd.

Yeah.

What's that?

Um... I don't know. It's not mine.

Yeah? Well, it's not mine.

I found it up at my place after you guys left.

I think it belongs to you.

Well, you can believe whatever you wanna believe.

Excuse me?

It's not mine, gram. So you can either believe me or not believe me.

I don't really care.

Byrd Huffstodt, you have been behaving very poorly for months now.

But I have been more than compassionate.

You better not be lying to me.

I'm not lying to you, gram.

There was a bloodstain on my carpet.

Will you look at me when I talk to you.

Would you stop it, gram.

What were you boys doing in my apartment with blood and a lighter?

Don't fucking touch me, ok?

Don't you talk to me like that. Ever.

I know you're hurting.

We're all hurting.

But you may not lash out at me like that or anyone else.

Show me some respect, young man.

I've been waiting for you 2 lovebirds for hours.

Let's go find some breakfast.

How did you know I was here?

Paper thin walls.

Listen, bro. You better get her out of here in half an hour.

Dr. Em's on morning patrol.

- He's happy for you. - Yeah.

That's sweet.

For a second there, I thought your brother was here to wrangle us out of bed.

No. My brother's gonna love you.

And this is... this is fine. We're... we're 2 adults. It's ok.

Oh. It is, isn't it?

What about...

what about that?

Is that ok?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

Oh, it's right there.

Hello.

Dr. Bernbaum. Thomas. It's Izzy.

Is it my EKG or my cholesterol or, god forbid, my liver function?

Please, just do it. Just come out and tell me.

Izzy, it's none of the above. You are in great shape.

Wh--I...

I find myself in a little bit of a bind here,

and I thought maybe you could help me out.

I'm on the board of Reading is Wonderful,

which is an L.A.-based charity.

Well, isn't that, uh...

that's... that's lovely-- to be of service to children.

Yeah. I mean, I've... I've...

Do you know I've... I've actually...

thought many times of volunteering myself...

s omewhere.

I had somebody cancel on me, and I thought maybe you could help me out.

You want me to read to poor children?

Oh, Izzy, it's not quite as dour as that.

Come on. What do you say? Help a friend out here.

Do you know what? I will do it.

I really need a change. I will do it.

Fantastic.

Now, what does one wear to something like that? Should I dress down?

Well, I think you can wear whatever is comfortable.

All right. All right. All right.

Terrific. I'll pick you up at 2:00, ok?

Fine. Perfect.

- Bye-bye. - See you then.

Russell Tupper's office.

Just a moment, please.

Russell Tupper's office.

Where the fuck is Leah? Huh? She's supposed to be here at 9:00.

Paulette Sterling on 1. Myerson on 2. Which do you want?

Myerson's a little more important, don't you think?

I just answer the phones.

Oh, you poor thing.

One drunken apology does not make it all go away, Russell.

Tell Paulette that I'll call her back.

And call Leah. And if you get her, you might ask her

when she's planning on strolling into her place of employment today.

Mr. Myerson, good morning. How are you?

Paulette, I just lost him. He's on his cell. Can he return?

Great.

Good morning, Leah.

Wow. Do you want any coffee?

No.

Uh, could you tell him that Kelly called?

Kelly who?

The bombshell of a red-haired who's having his child.

Why don't you tell him? You're his secretary.

With all due respect, Mr. Myerson, the only people who think we should settle

are those who stand to make a bundle on this ridiculous and faulty claim.

Anyway, I am prepared to go to the mat on this one. Ok?

Guns blazing. So you just let us know what you wanna do.

We're here. Ok. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Sorry I'm late. Traffic.

You beg and you grovel, and I grant you the rare privilege-- honor really--

of observing my genius in an up-close and personal fashion,

and you stroll in here 30 minutes late.

Who the fuck do you think you are?

Look, Russell, I was in Encino. I'm sorry.

What the fuck are you doing in Encino?

Your supplier lives there.

So it was either I show up late or show up empty-handed.

Which do you prefer?

That's, uh... that's nice and, uh...

this is kind of bulky, isn't it?

- Russell Tupper special. - Yeah?

Um... tell you what. Um...

why don't you shut the door.

Hey, Birdie, I'm having lunch with your dad later on to--

Fuck, Byrd.

Where did you get that?

Um, James took it.

Look, Teddy, I'm really sorry.

I know it's probably my fault, and I know I never should've brought him here.

And I just really didn't know... I really didn't know what a douche bag he is.

You played right into his hand, Byrd.

You led him here. Now he knows everything. He knows the plan.

Teddy, trust me. You don't have to worry about that.

I took care of him. James...

You think I'm worried about fucking James?

That kid's not bright enough to decipher the code. Trust me.

Teddy, I promise. He's not gonna do--

I don't wanna hear about that fucking kid!

Look, it doesn't matter.

He'd have found me anyway.

Ok.

No! You can't... it's contaminated.

Teddy, look, I'm really sorry, and he's very sorry. I didn't... I just...

I told you not to talk about him.

Byrd, get rid of that fucking thing. Just bury it or burn it.

- Just get rid of it. - I'm sorry.

And don't tell another soul. I'm trying to protect you, Birdie.

You think of yourself as a pretty intuitive guy, right?

Being a shrink?

Well, not the amazing kreskin or anything, but, uh...

I do my best.

You haven't asked me the question I think about most.

The question everyone's too scared to ask.

Well, what question is that?

Now, that would be cheating, wouldn't it?

I saw my doctors again today.

Oh, yeah? How did that go?

It wasn't any good news if that's what you mean.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that, Kate.

Get in line. My mother cried all the way home.

Doesn't that get exhausting, Kate?

Having to prop everybody up all the time?

I'm sure they'll return the favor.

Yeah, maybe, but you don't have to do that here. You know?