Defining Moments

Whenever I wanted to remember

what was important in my life

I used to walk to the local cemetery.

1,000 people, probably more, are buried here.

Each one ending up in the same

two square mile patch of grass for eternity.

How many people are still remembered?

I mean, at what point

does that last memory of you disappear?

Good morning. Sunshine.

Not morning, Daddy.

It's very late, after 11.

I just flew in from Los Angeles.

Oh.

You don't look so good.

Well of course I don't look so good.

I'm this close to 80.

Hm, that is pretty old.

Yeah.

I remember when rainbows were black and white.

That's how old I am.

Death isn't knocking on my door,

it's sitting in the bedroom.

Don't say that.

You're fine, you're still here.

And for a long time, I imagine.

Always the optimist.

The Irish in you wants to know

if the will has been signed, and it hasn't.

No, no, you're going to live a long, long time.

I'm going to make sure of it.

Nine months.

Nine months, what?

I give it nine months.

That will give me time to have one more birthday.

And then-

Nine months, and then what?

And then I'm off, time to fly.

I look at this as a long overdue vacation.

I'm not listening to you anymore.

You don't have to, that's your choice.

An unfortunate one, but don't be mad

nine months from now if I say, "I told you so."

Mm, that is the error in your plan, dear sir.

In order to say, "I told you so,"

you'd still have to be alive.

Yeah, well, I stand corrected.

Nine months nonetheless.

A baby takes nine months to be born.

I'm taking nine months to say goodbye.

It's only fair.

Okay.

Goodnight, Daddy.

Mwah.

Good news, you're going to live.

Not for very long, mind you,

but long enough to be able to pay my bills.

Why are you smiling?

Stop smiling.

It doesn't suit you very well.

You're not a smiley kind of man.

Oh God, it's the menopause, isn't it?

It's not menopause.

Well, I'm waiting.

Come on, stop smiling like that.

You're scaring me.

I'm sorry.

It's not every day that a man gets to tell his daughter

that he's going to be a grandfather.

I'm pregnant?

Yes, you are.

No, no, can't be, no.

Well, have you had sex lately?

A few times.

Not very memorable, but. What?

Well then you can.

And that's how it's done nowadays.

I mean, have for some time actually.

But I can get you a pamphlet about it if you like.

A pamphlet?

Dad, I can't have a baby.

I'm too old to have a baby.

I've been systematically unable

to raise myself for the past 40 years.

How am I going to raise a child?

You'll have to- What do I do?

Stop smoking and drinking to start with.

I like to smoke.

Yeah, you can do it.

You have to do it.

I mean, you don't want a baby

shaped like shrimps now, do ya?

This cannot be happening.

I'm too old.

I'll be like 90 years old

by the time the thing goes to high school.

Well, you're slightly exaggerating.

And my tits.

Dad, my tits.

Will be fine, I assure you.

Seriously, dear, this is a good thing.

Keys, keys, keys.

Keys, keys, keys, keys, keys.

Terri, have you seen my keys?

Shoot.

Shit, shit, shit.

You mean these?

Ah, yes, thank you.

- I'll be late. - Whoop.

How about you take your ever-loving girlfriend

with you, please.

Listen, I know what you're doing, okay?

Please?

And meeting my family at a funeral

is probably a terrible idea.

They're eccentric, so just no.

Look, we can say we're just friends.

And I promise, no smooching in front of the dead guy.

Okay, yeah, listen.

Okay, listen.

I know what you're doing, I do, and I love you for it,

but I don't want to go and you certainly don't want to go.

Okay, here, I'm going to help you with this.

Okay, I'm late, but.

Okay, you know what, no, I'm late.

I don't have time for this.

I gotta get going.

Here, give me one kiss, give me one kiss.

Okay, you know what, this is happening.

You're late.

I know, I'm sorry.

Sorry isn't going to help out Uncle Charlie.

You know what, you're right.

Uncle Charlie.

I'm going to go home and shag some more.

You tell the whole family I was here, won't you?

Mm, that better have been involuntary.

My body may have a mind of its own

but at least I managed to get it here on time.

Now behave yourself.

Or I may have to accidentally assault you again.

And what did I miss?

So far we've had three eulogies,

all from people that never met him.

One of them kept calling him Charlton

and talking about how good of a person he was.

Clearly never met the man.

Aunt Margaret's up next.

You're kidding me.

I remember Larry as a kind man.

Larry?

Not the biggest penis I've ever seen.

But he used it well.

Yeah, of course he named his own cat Catie.

Like Katie but Catie.

I just find it weird

that you put it on your backpack.

- Ridiculous. - Because I love her.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, Dave.

It's my turn for the bed.

Don't get too comfortable.

Hey, you coming?

We got some beer.

All right.

You guys ready to party?

Yeah, oh.

Yeah, we can fix that in a jiffy.

I need you to close your eyes for a second.

Oh, perhaps it would be a good idea

if we all closed our eyes.

Maybe it's better if I just-

No, no, no, I didn't mean me.

I meant your friends here.

You have somehow managed to do

what almost nobody's been able to do in nearly 50 years.

Shooting your ear off

while killing a pigeon with the same bullet.

Impressive.

Americans and your guns.

Probably born with one up your arse.

Our father was Canadian actually.

Oh really?

Well that would explain that lack of aim now, wouldn't it?

My late 40s, too old for this baby nonsense.

You are too.

I hope you're not saying what I think you're saying.

You're seriously considering keeping it?

You're not seriously considering me not keeping it?

We talked about this before.

And we always said we'd keep it if it happened.

And God knows it happened, Gordon.

I'm not puking my brains out

for the past week for no reason.

That was 10 years ago.