Kite Man: Hell Yeah!

Okay, Sixpack, I know you technically never leave

but thanks for coming in.

Now, why should we hire you at Noonan's?

Babe, good news!

We got two more RSVPs!

Well, they're from Dubelz, so I guess it's just one.

What about my dad? Is he in?

Uh, you know, I haven't seen anything from him yet.

Ah, it's okay. That's so my dad.

No, not a big RSVP-er.

Never RSVP'd "yes" for my tee-ball games,

my graduation, my wedding, my birth...

But he still shows. Sometimes.

Who do I have to let ear fuck me

to get a drink around here?

Babe, I know you're interviewing,

but you're also supposed to be taking care of the customers.

Babe, once I hire someone,

they can take care of the customers.

That way, tonight, we won't have to work the bar,

we can work the room.

Uh, so, Sixpack, where were we?

Oh, I'm gonna need a 99% employee discount,

stock options,

and a separate seating section

- for the uncircumcised. - Um...

You know, this is just for a server position, right?

Oh.

I'm gonna pass.

Can I get the job?

I've already been cleaning the gum

off of the tables to get ahead.

No dice, Bane.

We gotta have super hip, dope-ass servers,

so this re-opening is off the chain

and I can impress my dad.

Hey, we don't have to impress anybody.

Mission accomplished.

And we're 10 million in the hole.

How do we even afford employees?

I don't need a salary.

I'll work for tips.

- Bane, what did I tell you? - You're hired!

Whoopee!

I'm gonna quit the Legion of Doom!

Hey, babe, uh, not sure Bane is the coolest choice here.

Well, Bane is free and that's cool.

Thing is, with Bane, you have what's called

a reverse Hooters situation.

Yeah, I actually wish he was wearing more clothes.

- Bad idea, Glider. - What?

To make this party slap, we need a splashy hire.

Someone you're, like,

"What are they doing here?

If they're here, I wish I was here."

Like those albino twins from the Matrix 2.

Someone who walks into a room and everyone goes, "Whoa!"

- Whoa. - Hello.

Ugh, sorry I had to duck into this abandoned

shithole halfway house or whatever,

because there's a bunch of trash cans and, like,

some guy on fire

and the smoke's getting in my pores.

Ugh! Job searching sucks.

I can't believe my God-daddy cut me off.

Can I have your job?

How much does it pay being Beyonce?

Are you serious? Beyonce?

I know. She's the albino Matrix twins of music.

Uh. I think we found our new server.

What? That's not what I...

Hello there,

sounded like you're searching for employment.

Mm, I have a boyfriend.

Oh. No doubt. I'm Kite Man.

This is the love of my life, Golden Glider.

We co-own this establishment.

And you are?

Clearly on the phone.

I gotta go. Tell Solange,

Malice and her cat, Chessure, called.

All right, we'll have two tequila sodas,

light ice, no fruit, splash of cran.

She's a monster.

Yeah, you're hired.

A job here might work 'cause I love day drinking.

Also, I need proof for my God-daddy,

that I'm "trying." Fine, I'll do it.

Slow your roll, headband.

We didn't hire you.

I think your co-boyfriend-partner- guy -whatever did.

Okay, well, we're gonna put a pin

in what my co-boyfriend-partner- guy-whatever did.

I don't think this place is really your vibe.

Plus, you work for tips and nobody tips here.

Here's a Benjamin from us for making our days

with that pretty face.

I think I'm gonna do all right.

Now, can somebody refill

- our drinks? - I'll get it.

Babe, she's gonna crush this grand reopening

and Dad's gonna be so impressed

that we got such a cool server.

He'll have to say he loves me.

Right, babe?

Babe?

Ugh, everyone thinks I'm amazing.

You must be so threatened by me.

Yoo-hoo! I'm back here.

I can see you're confused.

Yes. You're imagining this.

But it's based on a true story.

I've got everything.

Great body, designer handbags,

and the attention of every guy everywhere,

even these drunks.

I'm everything you hate.

But the truth is, that's only because

you can't compete with me.

Can't compete? We'll see about that,

you snobby shithead...

Babe? Babe, take it easy.

- We barely even know Malice. - I know the type.

And you just hired her right after you knew I'd hired Bane

- and he's going to-- - I'm back!

I marched up to Lex and I said,

"I respectfully resign."

Taking the high road. Classy move, Bane.

And then I told him to put on a swim cap

so he could go fuck himself.

Bane, uh, so sorry,

uh, but we're hiring someone else.

What? Is this for real?

Because I think I may have burned a bridge with Lex.

Afraid so, buddy. Meet our new server, Malice.

Okay. I literally just 'sploded my life

and you're firing me for a girl with a cat in a bag?

Maybe you should put on a swim cap

so you can...

I am deathly allergic to cat dander.

See? We can't have a cat in a bar.

We're not a lesbian bookstore.

But I'm her emotional support animal.

Also, she's cold.

Well, you're in luck. We just got some new merch

that can warm her right up.

Yep. Here we go. Found the onesies.

My throat is closing up!

Well, good job, Chuck. While Bane dies,

let's make sure the cat is comfortable.

Will someone get...

Anyone? Anyone? Huh?

I bet you'd get it if it was up Malice's ass!

And will one of you lazy fucks take care of the fricking cat?

My pleasure, darling.

Goddammit!

That was my last allergy stick.

I gotta get back to Lex

and beg for the return of my job

and my health insurance.

That guy's got a rat.

Oh, no. Well, you know, funny enough, Malice,

this is not a rat.

It's a hypoallergenic hamster.

I got it to teach my kindergartners

about responsibility.

That shouldn't be here, either.

That is adorbs.

Oh, my God. No.

This is why I need a goddang body!

No, Jon Hamm-ster. No!

Oh, God, no!

The kids are gonna be heartbroken.

Well, I'm head broken.

Is that an RSVP? Is it my dad?

Okay, Chuck, can we not right now

- with the dad thing? - Ew, that's your guest list?

That's it, Malice, outside!

Anybody want to help the loose head

that's rolling around on the floor?

There. Both problems solved.

God, she's a dynamite lady.

Malice, we have our grand reopening tonight,

and it's very important to Kite Man that it goes well.

Well, then Kite Man should've invited cooler people.

But of course, nobody cool would ever come here.

Why do you even wanna work here?

Because having to work is so cringe

and I don't want anyone cool seeing me having to work. Doy.

Okay. Cool people do come here.

Actually, uh, oh, ooh...

Look, uh, Lex Luthor RSVP'd "yes."

Oh, nice. I haven't seen him since Colin Jost's wedding.

Now get out of my way.

I have really cool shit to do.

- Golden Glider, wait. - What is it?

Is that what you're wearing tonight?

Ugh!

Back off! I don't want a carrot!

Mr. Gus, what's wrong with the hamster?