New Girl

Are you ready to run?

I have my playlist all ready.

Actually, it's Diane Keaton's autobiography,

and she just filmed First Wives Club,

and it's getting me pumped!

I totally forgot we were going to run today.

I e-mailed you, like, three times.

Maybe you typed "gmoil" again.

No more excuses-- we have to train.

We signed up for this charity run

and now we have to do it.

Why can't we just donate the money?

Why do we have to run the six miles first?

That's a good point, but, no, you're gonna go...

Oh, no, Jess, look, I can't go.

I am super hungover right now.

Plus, Masha had a bit of a crisis.

She accidentally ate a cookie.

- What? - Because she fell on it.

I am devastated.

She is devastated.

Well, why don't you come running with us?

- No, she definitely can't. - You can run off that cookie.

- It's great. - You know what? We will

- do it tomorrow, I promise. - It's more money for charity.

It'll be so fun.

I mean, that was a close one.

Good thing I'm a quiet breather.

I learned that as a kid

playing "Who passed out?" with my mom.

My mom always won.

Jew in the couch, Jew in the couch.

Nadia, American manners.

Sorry.

Jew-Jew person in couch.

She's not wrong.

Okay, bye, Nick.

So you'll call me?

Um, yeah, yeah, I'll definitely...

Are you, are you okay?

I'm gonna call you.

Um, okay.

Do you hike? Do you hike?

- Okay, I... - This was fun.

Okay, I'll call you tonight to make sure you're okay?

Please.

That was ridiculous.

I can't do this, Winston.

I don't know how to sleep

with 21-year-old girls,

and for the last couple weeks, that's all

I've been doing.

What's going on with you? Are you okay?

I saw something a few days ago.

Now, I've been sworn to secrecy,

- but it is just too big. - You know I can't keep a secret,

- I can't lie, Winston. You saw me with that girl. - Don't leave me like this.

Even thinking about keeping a secret

turns my back into a Slip 'n Slide.

Come on, man, you got to help me out, okay? I'm dying.

- I don't want to know. - Hey, hey, hey, come on, come on...

- I'm dying! I'm dying, man! - I don't want to know.

I don't want to know!

Cece and Schmidt are sleeping together!

Ew.

It's happening

- under our roof. - No.

- Yes. - No.

Yes!

This makes me hate things.

I know, man. It's like up is down.

Up is the new down, man.

Now my back is sweating.

All right, who knows?

Everybody but Jess.

Hey.

Hey, Jess.

We're just hanging out in the hallway.

What's going on? Nothing's going on.

Yeah, actually, I'm really annoyed.

Cece bailed on me again. We were supposed

to train for that race this weekend.

That is so Cece.

I know... I mean,

and the weird thing is that she said she was hungover,

but last night she said she didn't want to go out.

Maybe she had a guy over.

Not like that-- I didn't say anything.

If you think about what I said, I didn't say anything.

You have a secret.

- You have a secret. - No, you have a secret.

- Turn around. - You turn around.

- Let me see your back. - Please don't.

J- ust be cool about... - Ew, gross.

J'accuse, Miller, j'accuse.

You fold like a lawn chair.

Fold, fold.

Yes, you-- fold, fold, fold, fold, fold, fold.

Winston told me Cece and Schmidt are sleeping together!

- Come on, man! - What?!

Oh, my God.

They know, Schmidt.

Sweatback?

You told Sweatback? Come on, Winston.

- Jess. - God.

I am so sorry that you had to hear about this like this.

But, I mean, can we just take a moment to celebrate me?

Schmidtty really did it this time.

I mean, I'm having Indian every night.

- No, no! - Whoa, whoa!

Jess, I'm really sorry you found out this way,

okay, but trust me, it wasn't

some big conspiracy.

It was just something that happened and then it got out of control,

sort of like poison oak

and I just couldn't stop scratching it.

Cece started it.

That's...

I did, I started it.

Why, Cece? Are you trying to get back at your parents?

When did it start?

Jess, I want to emphasize

that we are not dating.

I can't stress that enough.

This is just sex.

Mm-hmm, when did it start?

1:03 a.m., February 15,

right on schedule.

Two months ago.

Two months?

Two moons have passed since you started doing it?

Why do you start talking like a Native American

when you get angry?

Two moons have passed!

Just a quick sidebar.

Uh, we've done it in every room of the apartment.

Ugh, even my room?

- Just the one time. - Oh, God.

How long have you known?

A few days.

- You didn't tell me either? - Jess,

just as a reminder, I told you seconds after I found out.

Because you're weak, Nick, weak.

Okay, I agree. Just chill out. Stop yelling.

Jess, I want to tell you everything.

What do you want to know?

I don't know, Cece. How would I know

if you're telling the truth?

Come on, Jess.

Are you seriously mad?

No, no, I'm not.

I'm really glad you two are having fun.

How cool is that?

For what it's worth

I think what I did was really brave.

Oh.

Get off of me.

Yeah.

Hey, have you guys seen a scarf?

Holly said she left it out here.

It's my favorite scarf

because it's a circle, so you never have to think

about which end goes on the right or the left.

My therapist gave it to me.

She's Asian, but she's the nicest.

Who is that?

Nobody, just...

Who was that?

Was it that stuck-up bitch

from last night with the fake hand?

- Whoa. No, it was no one.

It was just... it was just beep-beep-beep.

Was...

I'm so old.

I don't even know how to use a cell phone.

Come on. Let's go clubbing.

You want to go clubbing?

Show me the phone.

Let's go back to when we were having fun.

- Let me see the phone. - No, just chill out.

- Let me see your phone. - No!

Smooth.

I'll call you.

Nick, are you kid...?

What, you keep the ringer on?

Amateur move, man.

Yeah, I'm just in over my head.

Schmidt, I hate asking you this, but how do you do this?

Oh, glory be, are you asking for my help?

Oh, I-I'm flattered.

Pull up, pull up, Nick. Yank back on that yoke.

We have to face the reality of the situation.

Schmidt has been having consensual sex with Cece

and lying about it.

He's better

than us at this, Winston,

and I hate it as much as you do,

and, Schmidt, I hate saying this,

but I might...

I might respect you.