South Park

OOTS !

OOTS ! OOTS ! OOTS !

OOTS !

OOTS ! OOTS ! OOTS !

OOTS !

OOTS ! OOTS ! OOTS !

OOTS BUNG SOW !

OOTS !

OOTS BUNG SOW, CHAAAA !!

CARTMAN SAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?

I'M DOING SOME SWEET BUNG SOW MOVES-

I'M A LITTLE BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE HERE.

ERIC-SAN YOU MUST FOLLOW DIRECTION.

YOU RACK A DIS-A-PRIN !

NUH-UH, I DON'T RACK A DISA-PRIN !

MINNA-SAN !

YOU ALL NEED MORE DIS-A-PRIN !

TRUE DIS-A-PRIN COME FROM WITHIN !

WE ARE OUT OF TIME.

I WILL SEE YOU ON TUESDAY.

CHERUP !

OOTS ! OOTS ! OOTS !

DUDE, WE GOTTA HURRY HOME !

THE FINAL EPISODE OF "LOST" IS ON SOON !

YEAH, LET'S GO !

WAIT... HERE'S MY DAD ?

HE KNEW HE HAD TO TAKE US ALL HOME TOO, RIGHT ?

YEAH.

DAD ?

WHERE THE HELL COULD HE HAVE GONE ?

OH HEY, SORRY BOYS.

LATER RANDY !

ALRIGHT I'LL SEE YA, NELSON !

DAD, WEREN'T YOU WATCHING ?

NAH, I RAN INTO NELSON FROM WORK.

WE WERE OVER AT THE BAR WATCHING THE GAME.

TWO DOLLAR MARGARITAS !

IT WAS GREAT.

ALRIGHT, COME ON, I'LL DRIVE YOU BOYS HOME.

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE ALRIGHT ?

OH YEAH, I'LL BE FINE.

I GOT SOME BEERS TO KEEP MY BUZZ GOING.

DAD, AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO LIKE, NOT DRINK AND DRIVE ?

I'M NOT DRINKING AND DRIVING

I'M DRIVING WHILE I'M DRINKING !

RIGHT BOYS ?

SURE, WHATEVER DUDE.

OH, I GOTTA PEE, HAND ME THAT EMPTY BOTTLE.

WHAT ? JUST PULL OVER.

STAN YOU NEED TO LEARN SOME THINGS ABOUT BEING A MAN.

NOW GIVE ME THAT BOTTLE.

THERE'S A... REASON GOD MADE OUR PENISES

LIKE LITTLE HOSES, BOYS.

HOLD THE WHEEL, STAN.

WHEN YOU BOYS START DRIVING

YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO LEARN TO DO THIS TOO.

WHOOP !

DAD, WE'RE GONNA CRASH !

SSSH, I'M TRYING TO CONCENTRATE !

JUST HOLD THE DAMN WHEEL.

DUDE, I THINK YOU'RE BEING FOLLOWED.

OH YEAH ?

GET OFF MY ASS, DICKHOLE !

NO, DUDE, IT'S THE POLICE.

OH CRAP !

HERE, HOLD THIS !

AW, IT'S ALL WARM !

EVERYBODY JUST STAY CALM.

I CAN HANDLE THIS, NO PROBLEM !

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL...

LICENSE AND REGISTRATION, PLEASE .

WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE OFFICER, PROBLEM ?

SIR, WHY DON'T YOU STEP OUT OF THE CAR FOR ME.

OKAY.

SIR, I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A SOBRIETY TEST.

OKAY, NO PROBLEM.

EASY.

STAND OVER HERE, PLEASE.

RIGHT THERE.

ALRIGHT, NOW I WANT YOU TO HOLD YOUR ARMS OUT AT YOUR SIDES.

THERE, I DID IT, SEE ?

NO PROBLEM !

AND NOW TOUCH YOUR FINGER TO YOUR NOSE.

DO WHAT ?

TOUCH YOUR FINGER TO YOUR NOSE.

OH, COME ON, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE !

JUST BRING ONE HAND TO YOUR NOSE LIKE THIS.

OKAY... OKAY... HANG ON...

HOLD ON...

HANG ON, HANG ON...

DUDE, WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING ?

I THINK HIS PANTS ARE FALLING DOWN.

WHAT, WHAT'D I DO ?

WHAT'D I DO ?

KEEP BLOWING, KEEP BLOWING...

KEEP BLOWING...

BLEAHH !

OH JESUS !

THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING.

YOU KNOW, STAN.

I'D SAY THAT YOUR DAD RACKS A DIS-A-PRIN.

I KNOW, I DIDN'T EVEN 30.

MAN, THAT WAS SUCH A BUMMER.

LOOK, GUYS, ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

CAN YOU JUST KEEP QUIET ABOUT IT ?

WHY ?

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT EVERYONE KNOWING, OKAY ?

CAN WE PLEASE JUST KEEP THIS TO OURSELVES ?

ALRIGHT, STAN, SURE.

OKAY CHILDREN LET'S TAKE OUR SEATS.

TODAY WE WILL BE CONTINUING OUR STUDY OF ECONOMICS.

BUT FIRST, WE'RE GOING TO HEAR FROM A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER !

THE STATE HAS SENT OVER SOMEBODY

TO TALK TO YOU ALL ABOUT THE DANGERS OF DRUNK DRIVING.

PLEASE WELCOME, STAN'S DAD.

OH JESUS.

WELL, UH...

I'M SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU KIDS ABOUT HOW BAD DRINKING IS.

I... I DID A LITTLE DRINKING AND DRIVING

AND AS PART OF MY PUNISHMENT

I'M DOING COMMUNITY SERVICE WORK AT SCHOOLS LIKE THESE.

OH, THAT'S VERY INTERESTING ISN'T IT, KIDS ?

UH, YOU SHOULDN'T DRINK BECAUSE IT LEADS TO BAD THINGS.

I WAS IN JAIL FOR THE NIGHT AND...

WELL I GUESS, I DUNNO I...

JUST DON'T DRINK BUT...

IF YOU MUST DRINK, DEFINITELY DON'T DRIVE...

I'VE DEFINITELY LEARNED THAT FIRST-HAND.

THAT ALL, I GUESS.

WELL, I THINK WE'VE ALL LEARNED AN IMPORTANT LESSON,

HAVEN'T WE CLASS ?

IF YOU DON'T MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICES IN LIFE,

YOU COULD END UP BEING A BIG LOSER,

LIKE STAN'S DAD.

DRINKING AND DRIVING IS FOR IDIOTS.

NOBODY WANTS TO END UP LIKE STAN'S DAD, DO THEY ?

I WANT YOU ALL TO TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT STAN'S DAD AND SAY

"IS THAT WHO I WANT TO BE IN THIRTY YEARS ?

"GETTING TICKETS AND HAVING TO GO TO

"ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CLASSROOMS

AND TALK ABOUT HOW PATHETIC I AM ?"

THANK YOU, MR. MARSH, I THINK YOU MADE YOUR POINT.

HELLO AGAIN EVERYONE.

MY NAME IS MICHAEL AND I'M AN ALCOHOLIC.

HI MICHAEL. HI MICHAEL.

AS MOST OF YOU KNOW

I ONCE LOST MY JOB AND MY FAMILY BECAUSE OF MY DRINKING.

BUT WITH THE HELP OF A-A I'VE BEEN SOBER FOR TEN YEARS NOW.

ANYBODY HAVE ANYTHING THEY WANT TO TELL THE GROUP FOR STARTERS ?

MY NAME'S BILL AND I'M AN ALCOHOLIC.

HI, BILL. HI, BILL.

HI, BILL.

I'VE BEEN USING THE TWELVE STEP PROGRAM

FOR ABOUT TWO MONTHS NOW AND...

I'M REALLY TURNING MY LIFE AROUND.

NO MORE BLOWING GUYS ON COLFAX AVENUE

FOR A PINT OF VODKA FOR THIS COWBOY !

THAT'S GREAT.

AND I UNDERSTAND THIS IS SOMEBODY'S FIRST A-A MEETING.

IS THAT RIGHT ?

YES, YOU SIR, STAND ON UP AND INTRODUCE YOURSELF.

UH, MY NAME'S RANDY AND...

I JUST REALLY LIKE BEER.

YOU HAVE TO ADMIT YOU'RE AN ALCOHOLIC.

BUT I DON'T KNOW IF I'M REALLY AN ALCOHOLIC.

THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE ?

BECAUSE I GOT A D-U-I AND SO I'M REQUIRED

TO ATTEND A-A MEETINGS FOR TWO WEEKS.

I WAS STUPID ONE NIGHT AND DRANK TOO MUCH

AND THEN DROVE A CAR.

THAT WAS DUMB AND I'M NOT GOING TO DO IT AGAIN.

RANDY, YOU ARE POWERLESS TO MAKE THAT DECISION !

THE ONLY THING THAT WORKS IS THE TWELVE-STEP PROGRAM.

STEP ONE IS ADMITTING THAT YOU ARE POWERLESS

TO CONTROL YOUR DRINKING.

ONLY THEN CAN YOU MOVE ON TO THE OTHER TWELVE STEPS

LIKE BELIEVING THAT ONLY A HIGHER POWER, GOD,

MAKES YOU STOP DRINKING.

AND THEN, TURNING YOUR LIFE OVER TO THAT GOD

AND HUMBLY ASKING GOD TO REMOVE YOUR WEAKNESS--

WAIT, WAIT, HOLD ON.

I NEVER KNEW THAT ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

WAS A RELIGIOUS THING .

IT'S NOT RELIGIOUS, YOU JUST HAVE TO ADMIT

THERE IS SOME KIND OF GOD WHICH HAS POWER OVER YOU

AND TURN YOUR LIFE OVER TO THAT GOD

AND ASK HIM FOR FORGIVENESS.

THAT'S THE TWELVE STEP PROGRAM, NOT RELIGION.

LOOK, I... I REALLY JUST NEED TO CUT DOWN ON MY DRINKING,

AND NEVER DRIVE A CAR DRUNK AGAIN.

YOU CAN'T JUST CUT DOWN ON YOUR DRINKING, RANDY !

YOU NEED TO KNOW SOMETHING...

YOU HAVE A DISEASE.

A... A DISEASE ?

THAT'S RIGHT.

ALCOHOLISM IS A DISEASE.

YOU'RE SICK, RANDY.

YOU'RE VERY, VERY SICK.