Hooked

Hello. It's Thomas.

You can leave a message, but you've probably figured out

that I have already screened your call by now.

Beep!

Hey, Tom. It's the Jackal.

Your pic made me smile today.

We got to postpone my birthday dinner.

There's a last-minute client in Chelsea

visiting from the foreign office.

Says he just couldn't wait.

Some guy called me a freak today, right.

It's so easy to forget that we...

We are the ones who are the freaks.

Most people, and you know who I mean,

they get up in the morning, and they have their coffee

that's been harvested from tiger shit

by a tribe of Pygmy slaves in Sumatra or something.

They go off to work, maybe the gym, maybe.

Then dinner, maybe fancy, maybe not.

Maybe a drink or two or 13.

And then definitely a warm, comfortable bed.

Hopefully, they've got someone in that bed that they like

so they can fall asleep easily.

If it works out long enough,

they buy a ring to finalize the transaction.

We've got them beat at the end of the day at least.

Yo, street slut.

- I saw you with the cowboy. - Fuck off!

Yo, quit being a bitch and share that shit.

- Leave me alone! - Hey, you owe me 20 bucks.

I don't owe you shit.

Quit holding out, you stinking fucker!

Are you that desperate? Now get the fuck out of here.

- Get the fuck out of here. - Whatever, man.

Go!

Hey, hey, are you okay?

You sure?

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

Some people spend their entire day

staring at a computer screen.

The only person that they really interact with

is their local barista, who's so wired on caffeine

that he'll tell you his life story for a fucking $1 tip.

Motherfuckers will suffer 100-hour workweeks

just to have that fancy fair-trade coffee

served to them with a fake fucking smile.

I don't know.

Well, get back to me when you can, Tomcat.

And I put on my black-girl face,

and I said, "What a fancy bitch."

And he was waiting around for his friends for a bit,

but they, of course, were long gone,

and needless to say, that was the end of that.

Man, we said no camera.

You like that?

You like it when Daddy gets rough with you?

Are you okay?

I, got a surprise for you.

Bought a little bit of G yesterday.

I figured you might want to go out and...

My treat, of course.

No, thanks.

What's that?

My best friend made me promise I'd wait until I'm at least 18.

But I got it for you.

As a tip.

Normally I don't do the hard stuff, but it's Saturday night.

We're in New York.

And I know I'm not the grandpa who said no.

I'm sorry. I got to get going, dude.

Stay a little longer.

How do you expect to create big business

with an attitude like that?

Come here, boy.

Now, where did I put my wallet?

What does it look like?

You know what the hell it looks like.

It was right here on the nightstand

before I left for the bathroom.

I need to go home, dude.

Where the hell is it?

- Where is it? - Back the fuck off, dude.

I'm so sorry.

I was wondering when this was going to get fun.

We're allowed to kiss now?

You're a crazy little one, you are.

You should have told me you like being a bossy bottom

ready to ride this big German cock again, no?

You have the smallest nuts I've ever seen, dude.

Found your wallet.

Ooh, wow!

Not even American currency. Fucking euro trash.

Smile.

What's that, love?

You don't like being filmed without your consent?

Yeah, no shit.

You can keep your stinky euros,

and I'll accept this camera as payment.

Pleasure doing business with you.

Don't even think... about moving.

Bitch.

What the fuck, Tom?

I had to go to three... Three different grocery stores

to find your precious curry ketchup,

but I said, "Hey, only the best for Captain Jackoff."

So are you ready to tell me how you busted your nose?

What, this nose?

Well, I bet you deserved it.

What'd you do?

No, no!!

Give me one reason not to blow your head off right now.

Well, you're 18, so you might be tried as an adult.

You're disgusting, you know that.

Hey, hey, I bet you like this, too.

Hooker blood.

The most delicious substance on earth.

Get off me.

This... is for you.

Come on.

All right. Come on, open it, you little shit.

Nice.

Ooh.

I got you something, too, by the way.

The spoils of war. For you, my love.

I'm officially your sugar daddy

until you become a famous photographer

and let me fulfill my lifelong destiny as a stay-at-home dad.

Jack.

This is amazing.

Seriously.

But you've got to give it back to whoever you stole it from.

No way.

You should have seen the stuff I had to delete off it last night.

Trust me, it's better off in your hands.

We can't get in trouble.

I already checked.

It hasn't been registered anywhere.

Jack, my dad called the police, okay.

He's trying to find me.

Well, it must be nice to feel wanted.

If they find me, that's it.

You know what? You need this for school, okay?

No more distractions.

No more excuses.

I'm taking care of the bills until you can make us rich.

Then come on, get up.

Get dressed, and let's get this over with.

So I'll take this shirt and this guy right here.

Put it on my account.

Can you get this, please?

Sure thing, Mr. Price.

Call me Ken.

- Okay. - There's no need for that.

I'm doing my part for the environment.

Mr. Ken, do you want to take these with you, as well?

Yes. Thanks, Stacy.

You are such a freak, dude.

This... This is how you want to celebrate your birthday?

You do realize that some cop is probably gonna shoot us.

We look like fucking terrorists.

The politically correct term is freedom fighters.

You know, most people, they want to see a play,

maybe... maybe have a little party, Jack.

This is my party, Tommy.

It's time to finally make these guys our bitch, bitch.

What is that? Are you kidding me?

Did you make a hit list? You made a hit list for this?

Best gift ever. Thank you!

Which one is this?

Mustard.

- That's bullshit. - What?

- I want to be ketchup. - Okay.

I'm ketchup, and you're mustard. That's how this works.

Hey, fine, fine, fine.

Here. You happy.

- Let's do this. - Fucking misogynist.

I hate you so much right now, by the way.

Love you.

What?

- What, what, what? - Sorry.

Come on, hey.

- Let's get rolling. - Okay.

Everyone's looking at me.

Young man! Excuse me.

Excuse this, faggot!

I just want to talk to you, that's all.

Come on, Captain Jackoff.

Jesus tap-dancing Christ.

Hi. This is Liz Hutchinson.

Please leave a message. Thank you.

Hey, Mom.

I thought you'd want to wish me a happy birthday.

- Just kidding. This gun's busted.

I spent 25 bucks on this shit.

Can you believe it?

Give me.

Hey, you're going dark on your birthday?

Jack, you don't got to do that 'cause I'm here.

You got that?

I said you got that, punk?