Workaholics

Alice, perfect.

You can time us. Yeah, here you go.

- Yes. - What is this?

Oh, Rancho Cucapizza

is having a little promotional eating contest,

and the winner gets... Read that bottom line there.

Read that.

Well, it said, uh, wins free pizza for a year!

Yeah, all we gotta do is eat a Humonga Cucamonga

in under 30 minutes.

See, they make the pizza so hot

that all the other dumb buffoons,

they'll just burn their pipes.

But we are no idiots.

Our mouths will already be burned.

- Yep, via spoons. - Mm-hmm.

We're gonna put these hot spoons

on our tongues.

- Yep. - We're gonna burn them

so that the pizza won't burn them.

Okay, Alice, start the clock.

- Yeah, start it. - We need you to time us.

Oh, she started, she started, start.

Oh, God! Oh, thah wath tho hot!

- What do we got? - What do we got for time?

What's the time? Oh, she didn't thart the clock.

- What? She didn't thart it? - Yeah, it was perfect.

It's gonna sound real good on the phones.

Jagmos.

I don't like how she always puth uth down

when we're trying to better ourthevles here.

And who are the idiots here?

Round two.

I don't feel a thing.

I'm stabbing the outta my tongue, dude.

Might be bleeding, but I can't feel it.

I think it's safe to say our mouths are invincible.

- Mark Wahlberg. - But that won't mean anything

if I can't get stoned before the contest,

because I literally can't eat

unless I've smoked.

It's a catch 20.

Yeah, man, I know. It's...

I've called Karl, like, 16 times.

He's not picking up.

I'm just worried about Karl.

I don't like leaving him with his thoughts.

I could care less if he was dead or alive.

I don't want to sound cold, but you know me.

I've got that Michael Phelps swim fan appetite.

But my hungry hippos over here,

you need weed to maximize the munch.

I am a hungry, hungry hippo.

And we need a new drug dealer...

Now.

Where you gonna find a new drug dealer?

You can't just go to a drug dealer store.

I say we go to the seediest, most scummiest place

in all of Rancho Cucamonga...

A tattoo parlor.

Adam, are you sure this is a place to find street drugs?

Just think, dude.

All drug dealers have tattoos, right?

Hence, thereforced...

All tattoo parlors have drug dealers.

It's elementary school, my Emma Watson.

Right? Okay. Follow my lead.

We might have to speak in code.

I don't know if he's undercover. I don't know, man.

Okeydokey. What can I do for ya?

Something tribal, Chinese?

I don't do curse words in any language.

Well, we are looking to buy something

so we may...

Smokey-boo?

Because we've run out of things that we...

Schmooo.

- What're you guys doing? - We want to buy

some weeeeerd,

so that we can put it in our beeerd and smeerrk it.

Smake in a pat.

Get an apple, and then we can shmeek.

Guys.

Love the energy, but you can't hang out here.

This space is for customers.

Okay.

Aah! Haa!

- There we go. - Aah.

Oh, it looks so beautiful.

- Yeah. - Princess.

Oh, that hurt a little.

You know what would numb the pain?

Weed.

Oh, ho, ho.

U got the wrong guy, pal.

- - Okay, he winked earlier.

That was... can I at least get the stud that I paid for?

I'm bummed, dude.

This is a bust.

Adam, this is not a bust.

You got a banging-ass bellybutton ring, bro.

- Yes, you did. - Honestly...

I don't even know if I'm gonna keep it.

- Oh, come... don't say that. - Adam, come on.

- It's banging-ass. - Come on.

Banging-ass. It's lame-ass.

Heard what you guys were asking for.

Might be able to help you out.

Meet me out back in ten minutes.

Hey.

Make it 15.

I want to go to that pet store next door.

Whoa. Holy Moly.

So what exactly are you guys looking for?

- I don't do this, so... - Weed, mostly.

Hash? Keef? Hybrids?

Isolation tents, if you're into spiritual journeys?

- Uh... - We are.

- I could definitely. - Yeah.

Sample away.

- Oh, that's all you. - May I hit this?

Strap me in. I'm ready to go to war.

War on my brain!

Hang on one minute here, okay?

The stuff Karl gives us

has a bunch of stems in it.

How do we know this even comes from a plant?

- Yeah. - Right?

Looks like you made it in a creepy crawler machine.

- What is that? - It's all purple.

It's from our state-of-the-art grow house.

It's Enriquez goofing around during the harvest.

Okay, okay.

God damn, you had me at Enriquez.

Sorry, Karl.

I have those same pants.

Uh, and I notice you have a, uh...

Is that a hash-based olive oil substitute?

- It is. Good eye. - Oh, wow.

- Look at that. - That is nice.

Yeah, I'm kind of a gourmand, so, uh...

Whoo! I been daaancin'.

This pretty thing took me to a whole new world.

I'll take it out there.

- Yeah. - Whoo! Can I keep this?

- Hello, doc. - I'm keeping this.

Oh, sugar, honey, iced tea.

I am stoned.

You know, Karl's weed,

it's just fingering me, man.

But this chick's soft, warm bud's

rattling my "g" spot.

I like that, dude.

- Guuuys. - Ooh.

Made some pretty dope beignets.

You get it? Dope, like grass.

There's grass in these beignets.

- Oh, okay. - Very underused.

Is it, now? Well, now it isn't, is it?

Isn't it?

Dude, you should keep saying grass

because it's like a slice of Americana.

- I will. - Yeah.

Pass me the grass, Mr. Roosevelt.

Certainly, Mr. my friend Brent's dad.

He's cool, man. He used to wear a cane.

Any dude that wears a cane, you know he's, like...

A gentleman.

- I got it. - Was that real?

- Who is it? - Um...

An angel just got...

Oh, God.

Oh, God, it's... it's Charl.

- What? - It's Karl, man. It's Karl!

- Hide it! Put it away! - Hide it, hide it, hide it.

We don't need to hide anything.

We're not doing anything wrong, okay?

Let's just talk to him.

We'll talk to him.

Man to beast.

Uh-huh.

Well, look what washed ashore at the grossest beach

I've ever been to.

Hey, sorry I've been off the grid

for a little bit, guys.

This dog ate my phone,

and then I had to adopt her,

and now I'm just waiting for her to pass it.

- Sure. - C'est la vie.

I wonder who that is.

Anyway, what's been going on with you guys, huh?

- What's happening over here? - Pbbt. Nothing, man.

We're just trying to function.

Whose weed is that?

Ohhh, that's...

We got... that's your weed.

We only buy weed from you, baby.

You think I don't know what my weed looks like, man?

What is going on here?

- Um... - Karl...