Catfight

Now as you know, the election results are in...

...and as predicted, Senator Gary Hubs...

...is our new president-elect.

President Hubs says that the first thing on his agenda...

...is going to be waging a new war in the Middle East.

And I have to admit that maybe it's the right way to go.

The threat of terrorism looms larger than ever in America.

In fact, this week, Homeland Security...

...updated the color-coded warning system...

...that the Bush administration created after 9/11.

The old warning levels were: Low.

Guarded.

Elevated.

High.

...and Severe.

Now, the updated warning levels are going to be:

Be afraid.

Be very afraid.

Be freaking terrified.

Shit's about to hit the fan.

And you know what, you're pretty much fucked.

Anyway, enough of this political nonsense,

...let's bring out the fart machine.

Yay!

- (CHUCKLING) - Oh man.

Why are you watching this?

I don't know. It's funny.

Why are you drawing that?

I don't know.

I don't know either but it worries me.

Donna,

...what are you doing?

Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Salt.

How many glasses is that for you?

One.

- Two. - It's three.

Whatever. Jesus drank wine.

Carl says we're this close to landing a deal.

Do you know what that would mean?

A government contract in the Middle East during a war?

That's great, honey.

Kip, eat your food.

Well, I think the war is wrong.

Yeah? Well, regardless of what you think,

...it's going to happen.

And somebody's got to be there to clear up the mess.

And what is this? What are you doing with this?

You've got to stop it with this.

I don't know why he's doing that.

A deer?

Sally.

Hey, Sally.

- Yeah? - What are you doing?

- What are you doing? - I'm taking a break.

Well, your break's over, come over and look at this.

Now, what do you think of when you look at that?

- The Second World War? - Really?

Why does it make you think of that?

It makes me think of the worst thing I can imagine.

And that would be the Holocaust.

Isn't every war a Holocaust?

Yeah, that's true.

- Do you want to see what I'm working on? - No.

Do you think it needs more red?

I think I read somewhere that the color red...

...evokes a sense of anxiety in the spectator.

Yes, so?

So, if somebody was going to buy this...

...and hang it up on their wall,

...they might not be able to relax.

So what, painters shouldn't use red...

...so the whole fucking world can relax more?

Well, wouldn't the world be a better place...

...if we could all just relax?

Sally,

...get me another bottle of red.

Goodnight, Kippie.

Goodnight, Mom.

Mmm, messy boy.

Mess, mess, mess.

Sorry.

Why do you have the need to draw this stuff?

It's fun.

Not really.

Drawing is something you do in kindergarten...

...to get out of your system.

You need to stop.

Lots of people do it for a living though.

Not really.

Not if you want to be taken seriously.

Art isn't a real thing, Kip.

What do you mean?

Well, I had a friend in college who painted...

Was she good?

She thought she was.

God, she was so full of herself.

Maybe I could go to art school some day.

Well, I will support whatever you want to do.

As long as it means going to Yale...

...and studying in the financial sector.

Goodnight, Kip.

Goodnight, Dad.

Come on, honey. Let him sleep.

He's too big to get tucked in.

I'm not tucking him in. I'm just hanging out.

It's cool to hang out with your mom, isn't it, Kip?

Sure.

Sweetheart, you can be anything you want, okay?

Just don't be, you know...

...this.

Let's go.

Oh, my God. You know what?

I studied finance in college.

Yeah, well, you were undecided until senior year,

...and then you dropped out.

Well, you give up certain things to be a mother.

And being a mother entitles you to some things,

...like hanging out with your son.

Let's go to bed.

Goodnight, Mom.

Mmm, goodnight, honey.

I need you.

But it's humiliating.

Excuse me,

- ...it pays the bills. - Right.

It's the only thing that pays the bills.

So, somebody has to be the breadwinner.

- Why is it always me? - Because you're more masculine.

I'm not masculine.

I didn't say you were masculine.

I said you're more masculine than I am.

How am I more masculine than you?

Well, I mean, many ways.

But you like to strap on the dildo all the time.

You are helping me tomorrow.

I'm not. I can't.

It's going to exhaust my brain.

I can't break my spirit like that.

I can't take it anymore.

Oh God.

I'm working 12 hours a day at the studio.

It's going to pay off.

You just have to just ride it out with me a little bit.

- Ride it out? Really? - Yeah. Yeah.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

You really think that painting shit like this...

...is going to pay off?

- What the hell is this? - What?

- That painting? - Yeah.

It's the cycle of life.

The cycle of life?

That's the end of the cycle.

- What? - I'm not happy.

This isn't fair.

Okay, Okay.

Um...

This collector,

...he's coming to the studio tomorrow.

He's supposedly really rich and he's, like, eccentric.

Are we still religious?

Not really.

Then why do we still pray?

Just in case.

Are we going to war again with the Middle East?

Yes.

Why?

Because they won't do what we say.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Salt.

No, don't apologize.

You're right.

Sweetheart, if someone bigger and better than you...

...tells you to do something, do it.

Why?

Because their knowledge is what made them...

...bigger and better.

Yeah, how's that for a freaking birthday present.

It was a very encouraging email, don't you think?

Yeah, you bet your sticky sweet ass.

Okay, I'll see you tonight, buddy.

Good morning.

- (CHUCKLING) - It's a beautiful, beautiful day.

A beautiful, beautiful day.

You're in a good mood.

Well, we just got a very encouraging email...

...from Phil Price at the Pentagon.

He's the head of the committee for defense contractors.

Oh, that sounds promising.

Can you imagine...

...if we land this contract tonight of all nights?

Karl's birthday? Wouldn't that be great?

That would be great.

I'm am praying this deal goes through.

Praying.

Oh Jesus. Donna?

Oh, I've got it, Mr. Salt.

Oh, I'm sorry. Thank you.

I'm just such a klutz. Jesus.

Not a problem.

It's so shocking, your work.

Oh, you meant that as a compliment.