Skins

Mini, I love you.

'Jesus, farm boy. Talk about ruining the mood.'

Just drive.

I know what she said, all right? But she's not available.

She's my girlfriend and you lot just fuck with her head.

I don't want you here. I never wanted you at all,

do you understand?

I'm in this class. Well, I've been away for a bit.

Like, on holiday.

I've missed you so much.

'Farm boy?'

Come down. I want to talk.

I'm telling you I'm sorry.

It's too fucking exhausting loving you.

I don't think you know how to love anything.

Who have you told, Mini?

Have you told anyone?

I haven't told myself.

Whoo!

Mini! Mini!

Come dance!

Mini!

I don't give a shit, mate. Like none of the shits.

I've got no more shits for that girl. You know, I don't get it.

We used to have jokes, like proper fucking jokes.

And now it's just... I don't know. Reality drama bullshit.

Al, I didn't wanna tell you this when you were all smitten and shit

but you can do better, man.

For reals?

For fucking reals. Why not?

What about her?

Who?

Her.

She's eye-fucking you, man.

Fuck, man. She's coming over. Look, she's coming over.

Fucking be cool.

Hey.

Wanna monkey-fuck?

What?

I'm desperado for a light here.

Yeah, sure.

You know there are 12 other douchebags dressed as Peter Pan?

Oh, yeah, but they're just wannabes.

You wanna know a secret?

Always.

Found a... secret stash of bevvies.

Gonna make a cocktail.

You want in?

Cha!

Better?

Much better.

Little bit of this, little bit of that.

Are you trying to get me drunk so you can get in my pants?

Oh, no. That's what the rohypnol's for. This is just for jokes.

Very mature...

farm boy.

Oh. Er... Mini McGuinness.

This is...

Poppy Champion.

Poppy Champion.

Well, um... enjoy your beer and bants, then.

So.

So.

It's been fun.

I'm... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry.

Dewi tried to off-road the van this morning. Totally fucked it.

So, er... we're stuck with Betsy.

You own a tractor? I know. It's properly jokes.

I love tractors.

Fancy a lift, Tink?

What's the plan, Peter Pan?

Well. I thought we could munch this shiz alfresco.

Fancy. Are you trying to impress me?

I don't need to try.

Onwards to Neverland!

Fuck! Whoa! Ow!

Fucking sweat balls! Ow!

Does it hurt? Oh!

No.

You're it. What?

Come on, Alo! Oh, you cheat!

Poppy! Oi!

Come on!

Come on!

Pretty average land-boy lifestyle, really.

Got my mum. My dad.

Four cows. Bunch of sheep and chickens.

Oh, and Rags, my dog.

We got a Labrador once, but my dad gave him to an old folks' home

cos he crapped in his bed.

Bet he was the shit.

We called him Napoleon cos he was so little.

Oh, little dogs are badass. I know, right?

Hey, you wanna see me do a handstand?

Um... yeah.

Ta-da! How life-altering was that?

You're like...

really weird.

I know you are. No, I mean like a compliment.

A lot... a lot of girls would hate this, not rom coming it,

just hanging out, having jokes.

You talking about a lot of girls or just Wendy?

What?

Well, the bombshell who chitchatted with us in Neverland.

Well, she's your ex, right?

Well, you don't have to tell me if it's too like emo or whatever.

No! Um... no. Look, we weren't even really together. It was all physical.

She has a serious case of libido bipolar, hot and cold all the time.

I was like her West Country whore, fuckable just as long as nobody found out.

So, um...

I mean, I'm... I'm just throwing this out there, but...

do you want to make this thing official?

Are you asking me to be your girlfriend, Alo?

Maybe.

Do you want to?

Wait.

There's something else I wanna do first.

'Meet Joe Jonas!

'Excellent!'

Oh, fuck! Fuck, I'm going to come!

Fuck, yeah! Oh!

Oh.

Oh, no. Oh, yes!

Yes, yes!

Oh, fuck!

Yes!

What... what the fuck?

Chill out. I never use a condom. It's no biggie.

No, no, no, no! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me. Stay there.

Stay there, stay there. OK. OK.

Oh. OK.

Just tell me exactly...

how old are you?

I'm 14. Almost.

Oh, my God! You're 13!

I don't get it. What's the drama?

Of course you don't get it. You're a child.

I'm not a child. I can get the adult menu at Pizza Hut.

What the fuck?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. I'm a teenage paedo.

Like an actual paedophile!

Me! Fuck!

I woke up this morning and I was normal!

Poppy!

Shiz. That's my parents. Oh, my God.

You just get off your arse.

All right, I will, then.

Lovely!

You know, when we met, you loved the fact that I fought.

If that was all that was wrong with you then, Connell, things change.

Let's not talk about things changing, love.

Unless you want to talk about your tits. Oh, fuck off! And your arse.

Go and do the garden like you...

Don't fuck me around the fucking Cotswolds!

If only you knew where the Cotswolds were, Connell, if fucking only!

If only I could get at them, love!

Stop it, Connell! All right! Stop it!

Don't talk to me like that! That's right!

No, no, don't pin any of this "oh, he doesn't even touch me any more" shite on me, all right?

Boo! Fucking...

So. How did D-day go with the green fairy?

Pixie. Look, mate, I... I really need to talk to you about...

Oh, Frankster. Alo was just gushing about his new squeeze.

New squeeze? There's no squeeze.

Yeah, Al. About that. I, um...

Hey, Hardbeck, do you mind if I chat up your life partner for a hot minute?

Sure.

Oh, what, alone? Oh, cool, yeah. Mm.

Yeah.

Laters.

I know about you and Mini. Yeah, and?

And?

Look, Mini likes to think she's a complicated girl, Alo, but she's not.

When she says no, she really means yes.

That sounds a bit wrong. Focus, Alo.

Mini needs you. She doesn't even like me.

Doesn't matter. You have to get her back.

Don't you get it?

You two are like the only good thing to happen this entire crappy year.

So, stop fucking it, Alo.

How am I fucking...

You know what, Franks? I cannot deal with this bullshit right now.

I'm sorry but it's over.

No, don't cry. I'm not dumping you.

I just don't want to hear or see you any more.

It's over, bitch!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm so glad you came!

Oh. Um... Poppy.

I...

We need to talk. After you meet my mates.

So, what are you, like, 30? Yeah, close.

Anyway, status update?

Well, it's not Facebook official. But it's totally official. Right, babes?

Yeah, yeah. Love you too, girlfriend.

So, what, have you two like done the nookie?

Don't be dizzy, Megs. I'm no Taylor Swift.

We did it like a million times last night. Doggy, pony, everything. Right, babe?

You should defs invite some of your hot mates to come jam.

The boy-girl ratio here is practically lezbo. No offence, Pops.