Skins

- Emmy, is it? - Effy.

You're a fucking assistant.

Money, show me.

- Do you have enough money to pay the rent? - Potentially.

I think I'm going to be a stand-up comedian.

Fucking dyke.

You know something, don't you?

I would like to buy 300,000 shares in Grey Levenson.

What the fuck are you doing?

- How much did you make for us today? - 1.2 million.

I've got fucking cancer!

Sync.

All...

...the wonderful things that London has to offer,

and you all chose to come to this shit-hole?

But, look, we've all come dressed in the same hipster uniform

so as not to feel suicidally alone.

You, man. You've got it down.

Lovely trilby, lovely skinny jeans.

I bet you're thinking,

"My bollocks are fucking squashed, yeah, but I feel cool."

"I feel cool."

See, you're all right as a bloke.

If you put on the right clothes, you're fine, you're golden, right?

Not so much for us ladies.

No, we've created a whole other set of rules to judge each other by.

See, now, I'm a feminist.

I go full bush. Yeah?

I'm against the hairless ideals put upon us by the media

and, um... porn.

Um... but all that's kind of changed recently,

because, actually, got a bit of the old cancer.

Yes, I said cancer. But don't worry, I'm fine.

Cancer's not the point.

The point is the targeted radiotherapy...

... which has actually made me completely fucking bald...

...you know, down, down in dispatch.

And I don't know if this is a massive "fuck you" to my feminist values,

but I'm just gonna say it.

I feel really successful.

I feel like Rihanna but without the bruises.

Um...

I mean, it's like bald vag equals opportunity.

My snatch has just been offered, you know,

a three-album contract and a perfume deal so...

I can't keep sitting through this comedy shit.

I mean, it's great that she's doing well,

but she's not paid her rent for three months now.

Three fucking months.

Are you allowed to ask someone who's got cancer if they can pay the rent?

Seriously, it would all be fine if they just paid her.

Why does no-one get paid?

No!

Listen to me. I'm angry.

- Shut up... - OK.

..and come with me.

- OK. - Aah! Fuck!

Right, that's it. You're getting it. You're getting it.

Ow!

Rich?

Yeah. Well, it's three in the fucking morning. What do you expect?

OK, but we said 500 at 90.

Well, no-one's going to buy it at this price.

- There'll be buyers, trust me. - I can give you 400 tomorrow.

No, Rich, we said 500 and you know it.

400 tomorrow.

- It needs to happen now. - I'll do my best.

- OK, look, can I call you back? - Cool.

Yeah, fine. Bye.

Come back to bed.

I've got to trade these fucking piece-of-shit futures before the...

Oh, it's just all day, you know, I just can't seem to get ahead.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's putting me on edge.

You need to come back to bed.

OK.

Mm.

No, I haven't spoken to him yet.

He told me he wasn't moving till tomorrow.

- Hey, do you know Tom Chittock's number? - No, sorry.

John, sorry, we just don't have it.

What's up with you at the moment?

Morning to you too, Mark.

You've got half of last month's trades in future strategy.

It doesn't make any sense.

Fuck. Sorry. I must have got the folders confused.

Yeah, so stop coasting. Sort it now.

- Whoo! - Oh, my God!

- Emily. - Hi.

- What are you doing here? - She didn't tell me either.

Yeah, well, I got a few days off and I thought I'd surprise you.

- That's great. Did Naomi ring you or...? - Oh, my God.

You look like a sexy funeral director or something.

Thank you. It's just for work.

Yeah, I wanna hear about it.

You're gonna have to listen to me bang on about New York. She's already bored.

Let me get a drink first.

These are really, really good.

I'm actually very proud of you.

- So, where does Emily think you are? - Comedy workshop.

You could use actual words, you know.

Fine. This is fucked up.

If she finds out now, she'll go mental and drop out of her internship.

She worked her tits off to get it in the first place,

and I'm not gonna be the reason she loses it.

She deserves to know what's going on.

-Did you just hear what I said? She will know.

Just as soon as this is all over, which it will be soon, OK?

- Miss Campbell? - Stay here.

Do you want your friend to come with you to the scan?

If you could lie down on the board now, Naomi.

You can stand over there.

You all right?

I'm going to start it up now, Naomi.

Nice and still, please.

Put your hands in tight, please.

Let go, Naomi. Naomi, you need to let go of my hand.

- Ef? - It's fine. It's fine. You're OK.

Don't speak, please.

Surprise.

What are you doing here?

Well, you told me your friends wanted to meet me.

I didn't think you'd actually come.

So, wait, they sent you to boarding school at six?

- Yep. - Jesus.

So, boarding school, to Oxbridge, to a million pound bonus in the City.

It's not always a million.

- Oh, not always? - Ah, good.

Well, that's all right, then. Keeping it real.

So, just because Jake doesn't lounge about all day,

being an unemployed comedian, not paying rent,

means he doesn't live in the real world?

Well, you're such a shining example.

I mean, we really look up to her, don't we, Ems?

- Oh, we idolise her. - So you should.

I'd like to propose a toast.

To Effy, the most fucking together person I've ever met.

Cheers.

Oh, yeah, she's always been like that. Haven't you, Ef?

Don't be mean. She's a good girl now.

Oh, Ef, don't be a fanny. We're just playing.

It's fine.

You're just twatted. As per.

I'm going to bed.

Thank you for a wonderful evening.

Is she all right?

She's fine. She's always stressed these days.

Never get a job in the City.

Sorry.

It's a bit distracting.

- Are they always like this? - Every night.

It's just a bit off-putting.

It's not just them, though, is it?

I can't remember the figures ever being this low.

I literally have nothing to tell the investors.

It's just the recession.

I need another big win.

I need an Effy special.

It was just luck last time.

Come on.

You're brilliant.

- No. - Yes.

- Yes. - No, you don't get it.

I had some help.

OK.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Some more of that would be good right now.

Could you make that happen?

Bye.

- I love you. - I love you, too.

Why are you doing this?

Because I love her.

Then why won't you tell her the truth?

Because she matters more to me than the truth does.

I wouldn't expect you to understand.

Angry man approaching.

Mark, I'm coming. I'm just making a coffee.

The trading sheets you were supposed to redo after your first fuck-up are still fucked.

I looked through everything.

You know, maybe if you took the boss's dick out of your mouth

for more than five minutes of the day,

you might have some time to concentrate on your actual fucking job.

- Fuck you, Mark. - Oh, no, that wouldn't work, would it?

Because if his dick wasn't in your mouth,

you wouldn't be in this job in the first place, would you?

That was so totally out of order.

- Jane? - Yeah?

Please fuck off.

No.

OK.

I really, really can't.

I said OK, Dom.

I mean, from where I'm sitting, you seem to be doing pretty good as you are.

Truth is, it's all gone tits up. Really, really bad.