Obvious Child

I used to hide what my vagina did to my underpants.

And, by the way, what all vaginas do to all underpants, okay?

There is no woman who ends her day with, like, a clean pair of underpants

that look like they've ever even come from a store, okay?

They look like little bags that have fallen face down

in, like, a tub of cream cheese,

and then, like, commando-crawled their way out.

And then, like, carabinered up, like, into a crotch.

Like, they're not items that are for anyone to see.

But now, I'm just like, "Whatever."

You know, I have a human vagina.

Okay, who here just saw my face

and thought that they were at a bagel store in a synagogue?

Who thought that?

Who stared at my face and thought that I'm the product of

if a menorah fucked Natalie Imbruglia?

But the menorah, like, had me. You know what I mean?

You know, like when two lesbians have a baby,

and everyone's like, "They did it!"

And they're like, "But it's really Karen's.

"It's gonna be husky."

You guys are like, "You're a horrible woman."

But let me tell you, I agree. I agree.

I, surprisingly, am not alone in my life.

I have a boyfriend.

Yeah, he's cool.

He's got a, you know, working dick.

Yeah, he's a human male. I'll put it that way.

But I'm still honking down on that D when I need to.

Literally, only when I need to.

Like, it's not that I don't like doing it.

It's just that, after a while, it just becomes a step towards,

like, getting rhythmically banged out

until your worries can go away, and you can pass out for eight hours.

That's sort of where we're at.

Functional. Functional, you know. We've worked out all the kinks.

Man, I think I just heard his heart stop beating.

When we first started dating, my butthole was so scared,

you know, that it might, like, lose the chance at romance,

that it was just like, "Everyone, shut down," and it was like...

But then when he would, like, leave my apartment, I would be like,

"Good night,"

and pretend to be so confident in everything that just happened.

Even though I was like,

"Was that cool when I did that? Was that cool when I did that?"

Then I would just masturbate to my worries until he came back.

I would just shut the door and, like, stand there for a minute and then just be like...

"No, no, no. Don't you be your old self."

And then it would be like, "But it feels so good. I gotta..."

That's my butthole's voice. "I gotta be me!

"I gotta be me!"

And then it would just be like...

That's me walking up my stairs.

Anyone need a barf bag?

- Hey. - Hi, sweetie.

- How's it going? - Good.

Am I having a stroke, or does this soap smell like popcorn?

- You're not having a stroke. - Good.

It just smells like your hand, you know. Smells normal.

A couple of other people are going to another bar,

and I know that you don't like leaving the radius,

but I really wanna go and have, like, one, two, one million more drinks.

Yeah, I don't think I can go.

Okay. Do you wanna just go home, and we can finish that documentary about...

Things have been kind of fucked up between us lately, you know?

And then you go, and you talk about it up there.

It's just a very weird feeling for me.

Are you still mad at me about last night?

No.

'Cause I told you that I didn't feel well,

because I ate street meat from the cart at work.

And also, you just said you didn't do the thing that I wanna do, and I'm not...

I've been sleeping with Kate.

What?

You know, we can't lie to you anymore.

You're, like, a we? You guys are a we? No.

I wanted to tell you sooner.

But you're here all the time. Your schedule is all over the place.

We never talk or anything!

I'm at your house every other night.

Why are you... Stop looking at your phone while you're dumping me!

Is she calling you? Is she asking you, "Have you dumped her yet?"

No.

- Or are you just such a dick... - Sorry.

That you're looking at your phone while you're dumping me?

I just don't know where to look.

You don't know where to look? Well, this is probably a good area.

Hi, Ryan.

I don't know if you're getting my messages, but I really need to talk.

I'm sorry. I didn't hear the...

I don't care about the beep!

I am also sorry that you cannot get to the phone!

Kate has HPV.

The kind of HPV where you get warts on your stuff

and ovarian cancer.

There's a lot of other stuff I could say, but I'm a lady.

Yeah, and then she dies of cancer, and you're stuck with the bill, so...

I just wanted to apologize for the voicemail

that I just left on your voicemail.

And I also wanted to say, "Psych!"

Have a great life!

I'll be here with my normal HPV that one in four nice women have.

And there will not be an apology message for this apology message. Goodbye.

- You okay? - Nellie!

You look like a lez who just got back from Birthright.

Move.

These clogs are yours.

Ryan always hated my clogs.

Well, I guess that doesn't matter anymore, huh?

You got my texts?

I did do. I'm sorry.

Do you want to talk about it?

Okay.

You're in shock. We don't have to talk about it.

I always thought that Ryan was attracted to Kate,

but then I just told myself I was being insecure and jealous.

And now, all my worst fears have come true.

That's not what happened.

What happened is he's a piece of shit, and she's a little bitch.

- I love you. - I love you, too.

Come on up here.

You know I'd take a bullet for you, right?

I know.

- Right into my heart. - I know.

Nellie, you're so sweet and nice and pretty.

Okay.

You gonna be okay? Do you want me to sleep in here with you?

I can't do that to you, because I'm about to turn this bed into a fart pod.

Okay.

That sounds too cozy for me.

- All right, I love you. - I love you.

- Donna. - Shit, Gene.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.

No, I'm sorry. I haven't been sleeping very well.

Listen, Donna,

there's something that I need to talk to you about.

No, no, no. I already called the plumber. We're just...

We're all gonna have to use the bathroom on Sixth

- for, like, a few days. - It's not that. It's...

Well, there's no easy way to spit this out.

The landlord's kicking us out. We have six weeks.

What?

They're closing the store.

That's crazy! That's disgusting! This place is like a New York institution!

You've been here five years.

I've been here for 30.

Sometimes we just have to let go of the things we love.

That's really easy for you to say, 'cause you're gonna move to Woodstock,

and, like, buy a bunch of wick and candles and just, like, chill out all day.

Hey, that sounds pretty nice. I think I will do that.

Listen, change is good, Donna.

Man, that's, like, the rudest thing you've ever said to me.

You know, that Ryan, he was not a gentleman.

Okay. Well, I'm gonna call him right now, and I'm gonna tell him that you said that.

You're not gonna waste one valuable moment

of your young precious life mourning that boy.

I'm a mess.

I can't even be in public without bursting into tears.

And I think I've cried on every train line.

Oh, baby.

You know, when your mom and I split up, I thought my life was over.

You know what saved me?

A long walk with your Uncle Jim.

We walked, we talked, and we talked about life, and spirituality,

and identity and racism.

And by the time the sun came up,

we had the premise for our first TV show.

"We had the premise for our first TV show."

We did.

- That smells good. - Pasghetti.

- Your favorite sauce, extra honey. - Extra honey.

I can eat this.

You know, creative energy sometimes comes from the lowest point in your life.

But, Dad, you had a partner to do all of that with.

I'm just up there alone by myself just beating myself up.

Well, negativity will either be your best friend or your worst enemy.

How do you want to approach your fears?

Tylenol PM.

No. Living.

Living is the best revenge.

So eat up, and then when we're finished, you're gonna go visit your mom.

She's worried about you.

You guys need to know

there are some children out there who don't talk to their parents for months.

- Like, even on the telephone. - Really? Really?

Not my child.

- Okay. - Thank you.

You're an aberration.

You're all wrong.

You're the weird one.

You're so pretty. Now just hold up, just for a second.

- Are you proud of me? - I'm very proud of you.

You know, an ex-student of mine started a temp agency.

They specialize in placing people in the entertainment world.

Pass the duck sauce.

You're about to lose your income. You don't seem the least bit concerned.

I'm terrified, Mom. Believe me, I very much am.

But I'm not going to work for one of your business school students.

You're almost 30 years old. You still don't know how to do your taxes.

I'm a couple of years away from 30, and nobody knows how to do their taxes.