Call Me Kat

Alexa, remind me to call my mother every day at 6:00 p.m.

Okay, I'll remind you every day at 6:00 p.m.

Isn't that wonderful?

Now you won't have to worry about forgetting.

My mother decided to give me my birthday present

three months early.

I suspect so she could feel appreciated longer.

She can help you keep your calendar,

make your grocery list.

Alexa, make a fart sound.

Okay, here's big fart.

- -

Oh, Katharine, really?

Hey, you don't get to control my relationship with Alexa

just because you introduced us.

We like to have fun, okay? We're silly.

You're also almost 40 years old.

Oh, that reminds me. The cemetery called.

Oh, my gosh. They come calling now?

How long did they give you?

They called to say that the burial plot

next to me and Daddy just became available.

Wait, how does a burial plot just "become available"?

Well, they said the police wouldn't let them comment

on ongoing investigations, but they assured me

he's not going back in.

And since you don't have a husband to be buried next to,

you should scoop this one up.

And on that awesome new thing I have to think about,

on with our show.

How's your pee stream, Max?

Come again?

Well, we're all getting older, and I was just wondering,

'cause I've heard that guys tend to lose power

from their pee stream as they age, and you're already 40.

My pee stream age is 25.

If anybody's wondering, I can pee

through a mini-donut from across the room.

My stream is so powerful, it can blow a hole

in a double cheeseburger.

Clean through from bun to bun.

- -Well, I got to go bury my nose in some court cases.

-See you tonight? -No, I don't think so.

My cousin's in town, so we're going out clubbing.

Oh, cool. Well, have fun.

Oh, you don't have to tell me to have fun.

When you're this fine, fun just jumps in your lap.

Well, if it jumps out before I go to bed at 11:00,

-give me a ring. -All right.

What a cool guy.

And hot. He's hot, he's cool.

He's like a therapeutic sports rub.

Yeah, and so confident and understanding.

It's pretty annoying.

Mm-hmm.

Wait, why is that annoying?

I don't know, I mean, we have a great time together,

but when I want to do my own stuff,

he's just fine with it.

And not once have I caught him trying to look through my phone.

What kind of a boyfriend is that?

Uh, the good kind that trusts you?

You know what Randi doesn't trust? Trust.

I'm so excited for tonight.

My cousin Birdie found this bar that has a mechanical bull.

Ooh, I got to remember to double-bra the girls.

Ooh, riding a mechanical bull is on my whistle list.

Don't you mean bucket list?

Everyone in my family calls it a whistle list

because after you do it you go,

- "Should've done that sooner." -

I want to watch Phil ride a bull. I'm in.

No turning back now. What time do we go?

Hold on. This is my night out.

And I mean this with great respect:

oldies get left in the cold-ie.

Hey, I may be nearing my 40th turn round the sun,

and, sure, sometimes when I'm sitting in my rocking chair,

I can't tell if the squeaking sound is my chair or my knees.

You have a rocking chair?

It's a modern glider.

My point is, I still feel like I'm in my 20s.

And between going to grad school to become a math professor

and changing my mind and opening my own business,

I missed out on some prime partying.

Oh, come on, Randi. We'll have fun.

Plus, Phil needs to check mechanical bull riding

off his whistle list.

I would love that. When I was a kid,

we used to ride bucking goats.

Mama'd say, "Don't you ride those goats.

Those goats aren't for riding." But we did.

It's just that when Birdie and I kick it,

we usually like to keep the party going until sunup.

Oh, I see. The gauntlet has been thrown, has it?

Well, I pick up that gauntlet and I say,

"We shall party until the little hand's

on the six and the big hand's on the 12."

That's time-telling, old person style.

Okay, fine, just try not to embarrass me while we're out.

-Of course not. -I would never.

I'm gonna dance like this.

And I'm gonna dance like this.

I'm gonna dance like this.

I'm gonna dance like this.

: The midnight hour approacheth.

We shall celebrate bringing in the new day with souvenir cups.

Are these drinks gray?

: Yeah. It's called the Louisville Tombstone.

'Cause after two of these, you'll be six feet under.

I read that on the menu.

Which reminds me, I need to talk to you about my burial plot.

No. This is what I was afraid of.

This is old people talk.

Well, my mother put it on hold,

and I only have 24 hours to decide.

It's a very popular location.

-People are dying to get in there. -

Shoot, my texts to Birdie aren't going through.

I don't have any bars in this bar.

Hey.

I figured you don't want a stranger buying you a drink,

so we should probably dance first.

-I can see that happening. -Oh...

Uh, Randi, what are you doing?

Aren't you and Daniel going steady?

Oldie says what?

You know, uh, dating exclusively.

Daniel doesn't seem to worry about what I do without him,

so why should I?

-This place is great. - : Yeah.

Great. So great.

We're doing this.

Yeah, we are. Sunrise or bust.

Do you think we're the oldest people in here?

By far.

They're all thinking about drinking

and rolling around with each other.

But you know what I'm thinking about?

Don't say it, Phil.

-Sleeping. -

Now you got me thinking about Frank.

Who's Frank?

Frank is my body pillow.

He's made of memory foam

and he has memorized every inch of my body.

By chance, uh, do you and Frank have an open relationship?

- -I'm, like, freaking out right now,

you're so cute.

Um, will you come dance with me and my friends?

Damn me and my teddy bear nature.

-Oh, my gosh. Get on my back. -

Giddyap, girl.

You guys, I got him!

Oh, I'm not tired.

I'm not tired.

Just like a little tired.

Oh.

Oh, wow. I fell asleep standing up, like a horse.

Do some exercises, get my blood pumping.

Couple shoulder rolls.

Twists.

-Oh! -Oh! Man down, man down.

-I am so sorry. -

Okay, now I stepped on your foot.

Frank never would've let this happen.

I'm so sorry. Are you okay?

You hit me right in the button.

Uh, by way of apology, here.

Uh, reach in, grab whatever you want.

There's-there's a lot of peppermints in there.

There-There's some fun hair clips.

Okay. I like hair clips.

: Hey, you got my keys.

I think you mean my keys.

Well, in that case, I like your U of L keychain.

I used to have one just like it.

-Oh, did you go there? -Yeah.

-Oh, me, too. -Not to brag,

but I'm probably their hugest basketball fan.

Well, since we're both not bragging,

when I was a student, I was the mascot.

Shut your face.

You were Louie the Cardinal?

Uh, brag on, kind sir.

As you wish, milady. Remember, like, ten years ago,

at halftime, when the mascot took off at the half-court line,

jumped on the trampoline, misjudged the hoop,

hit his head on the backboard...

And then he had to be carried out on a stretcher

and everybody chanted, "Louie! Louie!"

-That was me. -Oh, my God!

You're like a celebrity.

You know, I actually auditioned

to be the mascot my freshman year.

Oh, really? When was that?

Uh, nineteen-ninety...

let me buy you drink.

Why am I suddenly not admitting my age?

Maybe I am becoming my mother.