Happy Endings

Great job on the care package, team.

Yeah. It's really gonna help Penny get over the breakup

and her post-Pete-'m depression.

(Chuckles)

And before you ask, yes, I've already trademarked that.

Welp, instead of a care package, I made Penny a "dare" package.

- Yep. - It's a list daring her to live life to the fullest.

So you spent no money.

"Laugh out loud in a library."

"Makeover a nerd to win a bet."

"Have brunch with a rabbi."

Ooh, I'd have brunch with a rabbi.

Maybe someone'll finally teach me

how to properly slice a bagel.

Okay. So who's gonna help me bring this over to Penny's?

- Not me. - I got a thing.

Who's Penny? Come on. It's not gonna be that bad.

Are you kidding? She's already three days

into her post-breakup cocooning process.

Right now, she's living out of her bed, binge eating...

I made the mistake of going in too soon once.

Pen, I know you're still sad 'cause Robert broke up with you,

so I brought you some...

Max! Max!

Haven't eaten pancakes since.

You're eating pancakes now.

Huh? Oh.

Haven't eaten waffles since.

Okay. Nope. Eatin' those, too.

Oh. Guys, I gotta get my life together.

- Yeah, you do! (Laughs) You're a mess. - (Mouth full) I'm a mess.

- Hey, kids. - It's back! Shoot it!

Wound it! Shoot it! Oh.

Hey, Pen. You look amazing. What gives?

I feel great.

I guess I didn't need to cocoon because I broke up with Pete.

So I've just been enjoying some much needed "me" time.

For example, I've gotten back to my theater roots.

I wrote a play.

Oh. I didn't know that was in your...

That's something.

Well, I guess I'll go back to my theater viewing roots

and I'll sleep through your play.

Aw! You'll come! Thank you!

Oh! You didn't realize that I was trying to insult you!

You can't insult me

because I know that beneath your soft exterior

there's an even softer interior.

Soft exterior.

You got them thangs. Everybody knows that.

- Oh. - Aw.

Is this the play?

Huh. That was from Pen.

You know, she really seems like she's doing well.

Breakups are tough,

but what she did was a strong move by a strong woman.

She's basically Mary J. Blige.

Now are we talking emotionally strong like Mary J. Blige

or physically strong like Mary J. Blige?

'Cause M.J.B. looks like she could throw up some plates.

Ohh, I bet she could carry me like a baby.

Well, I gotta go.

Um, I found a store that carries low carb edible underwear.

No, it's not for sex. It's just a great snack.

Zesty ranch.

Don't do that.

It's my fave.

That's disgusting.

Just get some zesty ranch chips.

Sorry to interrupt, but I'm Brandon Tyverson.

I work for a company

that specializes in guerilla marketing.

Would you all be interested in becoming tastemakers?

Hold up.

So we come up with a taste, you make it, and we get paid?

Super chicken. Go.

Almond sweat. Go.

Pretzel cheese. Go.

Falafel paste. Go.

No, no, no. See, uh...

People have become cynical about traditional advertising.

My company pays real folks like you

to promote our products in a more natural way.

Dude, if you can't make super chicken, it's cool.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. So I've watched your group.

I think you guys would be perfect.

You're hip. You're diverse.

You're like a fresh new take on a gay guy.

Yeah, with fresh new takes on life...

white chocolate better than dark.

Texting while driving? Sorry, I have friends.

Rihanna and Chris Brown? I get it, Riri.

Good stuff. Well, we'd love to hire you guys

and your friend... that tall blonde that just left.

Would she be interested?

Would we have to split the money three ways?

- Yes. - Then no.

Max, I can't ice out my sister just to make a few extra bucks.

Alex, last month you paid your store's rent

by showing your landlord your feet.

I'm in.

Was that my phone?

Uh, no, unless your ringtone is

the incomparable Joe Gordon-Levitt

carrying this episode of "3rd Rock from the Sun."

Ugh. Sorry. I'm waiting for Derrick to call.

His theater group might put up my play.

Have you guys heard of the steppenwolf theatre?

- Hell, yeah! - Of course!

Then you should be able to find Derrick's theater.

It's right around the corner from that

and above a pho restaurant.

Pen, if you want,

I'd be happy to give you my thoughts on your play.

As you might recall,

I was a theater critic for my college paper.

"'Brigadoon'? More like 'briga-don't.'"

Damn it. Why didn't I come up with that then?

Ol' Brad was a bit of a theater guy, too.

When I was a kid,

I was in an all-white production of "The Wiz."

No one really eased on down the road.

It was more of a stiff, uncoordinated lumbering.

Love-ing it!

Really?! So you're gonna put the play on?

No. I drove all the way here, didn't like what I had on,

went home to change, stopped at the new whole foods

so I could peep the crazy ripped Guatemalan stock boy,

just so I could come here and tell you I won't put it on.

So does that mean you're putting it on or not?

Yes, you stupid, clumsy bitch!

Yay!

Aah!

Stupid, clumsy bitch!

You're a clumsy bitch and you're so stupid!

Clumsy and stupid! Okay.

Ohh! I love you.

You're the worst.

Check out all this cool stuff Brandon sent us to sell.

I mean, spearmint scotch,

lens-less glasses,

this super cool conditioning mist for your hair.

Hey, guys. (Gasps)

I just came to see if you've heard from... Penny.

Great cover.

What's in the box?

Oh, you know, just box stuff.

Oh. So you're not trying to be a tastemaker with Alex?

Ugh! You and your ability to read.

Look, after you left Rosalita's...

We were approached by a marketing guy,

and he asked us if we wanted to do it.

Ooh! Can I do it with you guys?

Oh, Jane.

You're a great person, salt of the dang earth.

Mm. But a tastemaking trendsetter ya ain't.

Oh. Okay.

When I was in third grade,

I created a new in/outbox homework system.

It was the talk of the school. Even got interviewed.

Granted, it was from the school psychologist,

who was concerned

that an 8 year old would spend every recess creating it.

But that does not mean it wasn't a super efficient system.

And it would've caught on.

Wow. (lnhales deeply)

Moving stuff, Jane.

But the fact is, Max and I are so far down the road

on this tastemaking thing.

I mean...

We've already opened the box.

And we love you, but the wheels are in motion.

And once the bus starts, it's hard to make it stop.

Fine.

I don't wanna be tastemakers with you losers anyway.

Oof.

Angry storm outs are trending suh low right now.

- Suh low. - Suh low.

Oh, thank you so much for coming to a reading of my play.

I look forward to your feedback,

as long as it's constructive, honest,

and tells me everything in my play is perfect.

Sounds good?

What are you doin'?

I'm just giving these a little test run.

I wanna see if this tastemaking thing is legit.

Max, are you seriously wearing glasses with no lenses?

Maybe.

Dude, I've seen you do some really dumb things before,

but this... is not one of them.

Those are cool.

And this is coming from a guy

who wore a bandana around his jeans leg in High School,

so I know what I speak of.

And now let us begin our journey.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present you...

"Black plague: A love story."

Now we will be holding auditions in two days,

but for tonight, you guys will be my actors.

Brad, will you honor us by playing the role of Clete?