Batman: The Audio Adventures

- "Batman: The Audio Adventures."

Who knows what evil dwells

in the heart of the dark of the city?

One lone defender of the night--

Look. In the shadows.

On the rooftops.

It's a specter. It's a shade.

It's-- announcer: Fair ball!

Central City takes a 3-1--

Good evening, folks.

This is Jack Ryder here in downtown Gotham City's

fabulous Restaurant Row,

formerly known as the rendering district.

It looks like the whole city has turned out tonight

for the Taste of Gotham festival,

an annual outdoor celebration of all the yummy things

cooking in Gotham--

and the Bat-Signal just lit up.

That's always comforting.

Nothing says "everything is okay"

like seeing the ol' Bat-Signal in the sky.

Just gonna continue on here as if I'm sure

a gang of clowns with Tommy guns is not about

to come tearing out of the alley.

It's called being a pro in this town.

Okay, so as I say, it's the annual

Taste of Gotham festival, and we're just in time

for one of its most delicious--whoa!

- Comin' through! - My bad.

One of its most delicious and time-honored traditions.

- No, no, no. You can't stand there, Mac.

There's gonna be pierogis coming through here.

Hot pierogis!

Okay, here? Okay.

Yes, that's right--pierogis.

We're here outside Mama Dagmar's Famous Diner

for the infamous pierogis pig-out.

Let's hear that jingle, ladies

- That's right, Gotham loves her pierogis,

and none more so than--

- You're right in my way, pally.

- Hot pierogis! - Sorry.

Look, I'm trying to cooperate.

- Mama Dagmar says the pierogis gotta be hot.

- All right. The rules are simple.

The hungry Gothamite who wolfs down

or gobbles up the most Mama Dagmar pierogis

in just five minutes wins.

And waiting right here to crown this year's winner

is Gotham's pierogi Queen herself,

Mama Dagma--oh, she's late?

So no Mama Dagmar.

Do we do any prep work on this show or do you just

send me out here to dangle like a jerk?

All right, fantastic.

Then let's meet our five hungry contestants.

Contestant number one, how are you feeling?

Feeling good, Jack.

Well, a little nervous, actually.

Uh, at least I hope it's nerves.

Could be Scarecrow drugs.

I mean, if I was dosed with Scarecrow drugs

wouldn't it feel exactly like this?

No, but I'm good...I think.

- Great, so-- - You kn--I know it's been

almost two weeks since Valentine's Day

and the police say the Batman is on it...

but the Joker is still out there, and--

- Okay, we don't really use the J-word

on this program anymore. It's a new policy.

Also, we're discouraging mentioning the Scarecrow

or any of his escalating narcoterrorism. Thank you.

People are trying to enjoy an eating competition.

So moving on.

Contestant number two, are you ready for--

is someone supposed to be sitting in this chair?

Anyone?

Contestant number two left when the bat signal lit up.

Okay, great. This is going great.

"It's not too soon Jack.

"Gotham is ready for a nighttime outdoor

competitive eating contest."

- Move it, Jackson! - Gah!

Last load of pierogis.

Mama Dagmar says the dough's just so

and the meat is sweet.

Gah. Wow, that was loud.

Ladies, I'm gonna be the one that cues you, okay?

Not the waitress.

Still no Mama Dagmar?

Okay, look, let's just start this thing, okay?

It's only a ninety minute broadcast.

Okay, contestants, on your marks, get set,

let the pierogi pig-out begin.

- And they're off! Look at em go.

Look at...ugh, yuck.

Mickey, where is she?

Mama Dagmar.

Well what am I supposed to do,

just watch them eat?

Okay, here, get that waitress. Miss?

- My name is Harleen Quinzel, Jackson!

I'm new in town but I'm already a big fan of yours.

- Well, that's great. Harleen, did you say?

What can you tell us about these famous pierogis, Harleen?

- Oh, well, Mama Dagmar says the meat is key.

Amen to that.

- Which is weird, 'cause she'd do anything

to avoid paying top dollar for the stuff.

- She what? - Oh, yeah.

- Oh yeah, she's all up in the meat-packing racket.

If it's cheap, it goes in the pierogis.

We're not talking Grade-A meat. No, doctor.

More like Grade "ay chihuahua."

- I'm sure you're not--

- Anyway, about a week ago she tried to get cute.

She thought she saw an opportunity

to undercut her wholesaler in the chaos.

Chaos? What chaos?

- Ah, you know how it is since the Penguin

and Two-Face crime syndicates merged.

- I really don't. - Ah, come on.

If you don't see what's going on you must be sellin' pencils.

See, Mama D figured since Penguin and Two-Face were

teamed up, she didn't need to pay out twice.

I guess Two face didn't like her getting wise,

so long story short, Two-Face sent his boys

over here late last night after closing

and you know, looks like Mama Dagmar went

into the kitchen and pierogis came out,

- if you catch my drift. - I definitely don't.

- I'm just saying there was no meat in the freezer

when I closed up last night, and now there's pierogis.

- Oh, my God. - So, yeah.

I don't think Mama Dagmar's gonna show up.

Or she's already here, I guess.

I don't know. This is why I'm vegan.

- Stop eating. Stop. Get that out of your mouth!

Don't eat the pierogis!

- I guess I'll take over from here, Jack.

Hi, Gotham City. I'm Harleen Quinzel.

I think I used to be a doctor?

I'll be honest, the last two weeks have been

really screwy in the dome piece.

I took this job 'cause I didn't know what else to do.

I'm just trying to stay alive

till he gives me a sign, you know?

My darling baby sweet puddin'.

My sweet Mr. J.

If you're watching, puddin' please.

Tell me how to find you. Tell me what to do.

I know we're meant to be together.

Tell me what you want me to do or else...

I'm gonna start guessing.

narrator: Gotham. In a starless sky,

anvils hang over the asphalt.

Join us now for another tale of life and death

in Gotham City.

February 27th, two weeks after the Joker's failed

Valentine's Day catastrophe,

Gotham City stirs to life again.

But sometimes when you live to fight another day,

all that's promised is another beating.

Or in Batman's case, several.

While the Joker remains at large, gangster kingpins

and former rivals the Penguin and Two-Face

have combined their criminal might,

and the mysterious narco-terrorist known

as the Scarecrow remains unidentified,

even as his fear drugs plague the city.

But while the city seethes outside,

we rejoin our adventures safe in here.

Apologies for the close quarters.

And don't breathe too deeply, there is limited oxygen.

We are presently inside the cramped confines

of a private safe,

and not just any private safe, but a private safe in the home

of one of Gotham City's wealthiest

and most prominent citizens.

Its twin-dial locking mechanism will only open

for one of three trillion combinations.

There is quite possibly no more secure location

in all of Gotham City.

- -

- That is, unless Catwoman is on the premises.

- Well, now, what goodies have we got?

narrator: Goodies too numerous to mention.

A heaping mound of lucre. Gold.

Stock certificates. Jade. Emeralds.

A length of impossibly flawless pearls.

And as Catwoman paws through a cool trillion,

- she is irrepressibly... - Disappointed.

narrator: Yes, despite the beguiling treasures

on offer, Catwoman is looking for something

she has not found.

The question of its vexing absence would be

an excellent one for a resident

of the household.