Josh Johnson: Symphony

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La-- La-- Ladies and gentlemen,

please put your hands together for Josh Johnson!

Wow.

Thank you all so, so much. Oh, my gosh.

If you're not careful, especially as a man,

you end up spending the last 50 years of your life

still trying to figure out the first 15.

You know what I mean? Like, there are just some people where

whatever happened in high school is kind of perpetually happening

for the rest of their lives.

Like, I'll tell you right now, I do my best, truly,

to be as good of a person as I can.

I'm not perfect.

I'm sure there's somebody you can find,

somewhere out in the world,

that's like, "He trash." Like, that's...

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) -That's everybody.

None of us are gonna get out clean, you know?

Everybody has enemies.

But I really do my best to treat people as best as I can.

You know, and...

Not just 'cause you're, like, supposed to.

It's something that would make my mom proud and everything.

It's how she raised me.

It also just makes for a better world, you know?

But when you are trying to be as good as you possibly can,

especially when it comes to dating,

sometimes you get labeled "nice," right?

And nice is a death sentence.

It doesn't seem like it would be, but it's pretty bad. Nice...

If you went on a date with somebody and then later you overheard,

it's like, "How was your date with them?" "Oh, he's nice."

You know, okay, it's not going to happen. It's not...

That's wow, nothing. Wow, okay.

You know? Because the thing is, you're supposed to be nice.

Nice isn't the bar, that's the floor.

-Like you should... -(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

...hopefully be nice.

Saying someone is nice after spending time with them,

'cause remember, they didn't say "kind,"

they didn't say "sweet," they said, "nice."

It would be like if you went on a date with someone

and then later on you overheard, "How was your date with him?"

"Oh, he has a face."

You would hope so.

That would be ideal.

That's not a compliment to be like, "Eyes right where they're supposed to be."

Oh, I bring this up because when I was younger,

I wasn't always very confident or anything.

I look back at that time

and there was someone who I liked very much,

went ahead, shot my shot. Right?

Turns out they weren't interested. It happens.

You get your first little lesson at rejection and everything.

And how you deal with that rejection becomes your character around

what it's like to be around you.

And then some time passed and...

later on, she started dating this guy that was not nice.

He was not nice at all. This guy was a--

This guy was a jerk, a real jerk.

And I'm not just being a hater. He had enemies.

And from the time I was a kid all the way into adulthood,

it's nothing new that I'm saying.

It's almost like a trope that the girls, the women,

they go for jerks.

That's like the narrative that's out there.

It's out there online.

It's like the father of romantic comedies and everything.

And I couldn't understand it 'cause she was so cool.

And then she was with this guy who sucks.

You know, and I didn't really get it.

Why so many girls when I was in high school,

and then women as I got older went for guys who were...

like, jerks. I never understood it...

until a week ago.

All right, I was traveling, right?

I was late because I woke up late.

I didn't prepare myself.

I had to rush, put my stuff in the suitcase,

everything, called an Uber.

I get in the Uber, and my Uber driver is an incredible driver,

impeccable driver, following all the rules of the road,

doing everything that he's supposed to do.

He's doing stuff I didn't even know people did anymore.

Like, not only is his music so low you can hear him turn his blinker on,

but he also puts his arm out the window to...

This guy is a very good driver and a nice guy.

He was stopping at yellows and letting people go.

He's very nice, but I'm late.

You know, I even tried to hint at him a little bit.

You know, I was like, "Hey, do you think we'll make it?"

And he's like, "Oh, I hope so."

This man did the math out loud in front of me.

He's like, "All right, well, we're going 55 miles per hour

'cause I can't speed. That'd be dangerous.

So, we're going 55 miles per hour.

You said you need to be there in 36 minutes.

With the amount of miles we have left,

yeah, it looks like you're going to be ten minutes late, that's...

Oh, I hate it for you."

And then...

we get to the airport and by the skin of my teeth,

truly, I make my flight.

It was delayed.

A couple days later, admittedly, I didn't learn my lesson.

I woke up late again.

I was packing and stuff,

ordering the Uber at the same time.

I run out to the Uber.

I get inside, and then this guy is sitting there.

He just turns to me, looks at me in the back seat,

and goes, "You ready?" I was like, "Yeah."

And the way he peeled out...

I was sitting in the car like...

Oh, he was not safe.

This was a bad boy.

This guy was wild. This guy was over here swerving.

He was cutting people off. You could hear it.

But this man wasn't safe at all.

I don't know if he turned his blinkers on once.

And you could hear it.

You could hear the honking from behind us.

This guy was not a good driver. He was driving like a jerk.

But he was a jerk to everyone but me.

And I'd be lying if I said that...

I didn't think about him sometimes.

You know, sometimes you're just in traffic...

...daydreaming.

You know? 'Cause I've been in LA for a few days,

and in that time, I've had to take, you know,

some cabs, some Ubers, and very, very nice drivers.

Like, very nice. But if you were to ask me about them,

I'd be like, "He aight."

You know, he just doesn't get me there like that.

You know what I'm saying?

Because careless people are...

they're incredibly enchanting until they're careless with you.

You know, because then I got into a car,

once again, not a safe driver, not nice.

We got into like a little touch of a fender bender, right?

He swerved.

And I hit my head on the window and everything.

And I was just sitting there like, I just want somebody nice.

I just want...

...somebody that follows the rules of the road, you know what I mean?

Someone that knows what they're doing.

All right?

Do y'all ever wonder if the first...

chiropractor...

...was just bad at murder?

I hurt my back, right?

I hurt my back. I went to the chiropractor.

I didn't even really know what chiropractors do.

I just knew that they were supposed to fix like backs and stuff.

And so I laid there. I didn't know what to expect.

But then this man put one hand here and one hand here.

And I was like... "I'ma go." Uh...

No, no, I don't know what I did to offend you,

but I have watched a lot of Jason Bourne.

I know exactly what happens next.

You're not gonna get me.

I can't take my uncle anywhere...

because he weird.

And he's not even like the regular type of weird

that an uncle would be.

The stuff my uncle does, nobody else does.

You know? Like,

if you take him out to eat and he has some good food,

we're talking like the best version of that food he has ever had.