Happy Endings

Guys, guess what I found-- my set list

from when I did stand-up in fifth grade.

What is the deal

with these moms who make lunch?

Have you seen this? Have you heard about this, Kelvin?

I mean, why are you writing me a note, you silly goose?

I know you love me. You told me this morning!

And what is the deal with these juice box straws?

I mean, how hard does it have to be

to get the facacta thing in the hole?

It just spills all over ya!

And then I have a bunch of stuff about, like,

the difference between little girls and little boys.

You know, little girls be sharin'.

They be sharin', man. Little girls be sharin'.

It's funny 'cause it's a list.

Oh, boo. You're not laughing. What's wrong?

You consto?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just bummed about work junk.

The car czar and his cronies are this total boys club,

and I can't get in.

Whoa.

Look at the sunny-side ups on that breakfast platter.

Mm-hmm-hmm-hmm!

Hey, boys.

What are we doin'? Looking at some girly pics?

I can get in with that.

Ahh, yeah, to think that she is somebody's daughter.

She was once a baby...

In a nursery.

It is infuriating.

Baby, calm down.

You're forgetting your sexy secret weapon.

My Jack Nicholson impression.

Hmm?

Lakers.

No. Me!

I'm amazing at guy talk.

Just invite the guys over, and I'll help you get in.

I'll be your guy guide.

Your guyde.

Yep, already a word.

Realized it as soon as I said it.

- Yeah. - Hey, guys.

- Hey! - Whazzup!

What-- question mark-- is-- question mark-- that?

I just went to see Dr. Spratt

about my little spill down the stairs,

and apparently, I still have a mild concussion,

and I have to wear this stupid helmet for a month.

You look like a crayon a fat kid would eat.

Did you valet your kayak or did you find street parking?

Let's go around the horn!

Yeah, did you, uh... oh...

Helmet joke. I just wanted in.

You know what? I think this is really good because...

you do hit your head a lot.

Aah!

- I'm going down. Oh! - Ohh!

Okay? Aah!

Yeah, I don't remember any of that.

Maybe because of the concussion.

How did I get here?

Penny.

Penny. Penny.

Pen.

- Penny. - Stop.

Stop. It's not funny.

Goal!

- Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! - All right,

enough with the showboating, ya tiny Hooligan.

It's bad enough we're getting beat by someone

who's only slightly larger than the actual foosball players.

I'm sorry.

You had to take her to a soccer game?

It will never catch on here.

Oh, great.

There's Brody. I hate that douche.

Oh. Are you kidding me?

This guy is a world-class dum-dum.

I think you guys are being pretty hard on Brody.

He seems like a funny, nice guy,

plus his name has the word "bro" built right into it.

Yo, D. Rose! What's up, gangsta?

How's it going, Brody?

- Just crushin' life, bro. - Congrats.

Whoa! Still hanging out with the nutcracker, huh?

The nutcracker! Classic Brody!

Ohh!

Your hand's a turkey, bro.

Wild turkey.

Ohh! (Laughs)

What a sick jerk.

I know.

Why can't he understand that Alex and I have transcended--

- Not your crap! The fist bump! - What?

A fist bump is a sacred contract between the fists of men.

You don't go playing around,

turning people's hands into turkeys.

I don't like that guy, and I want it on record.

We've been over this. There is no actual record.

Then why are we doing any of this?

Okay, babe, get ready to follow me into the boys club.

All guys love college football,

so I'm gonna bring it up,

then you launch into your tirade about the BCS.

We need a legitimate playoff system!

- Mm! - Let's do it.

- Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Unh! - Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Unh!

Everybody having a good time?

- Great party, Jane. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, except for these veggie puff things.

You got anything with some... animal in it?

You know, something that used to have a mom?

Speaking of moms... (Laughs)

I see a lot of college football fans around here, huh?

Man, do I approve of the BCS!

No! We need a legitimate playoff system! Huh!

I'm not a fan of college, uh, football.

(Blows air)

Hey! Oh!

I love this candle, Jane!

Oh! Where did you get this?

Well, actually, I made it in my candle studio/our laundry room.

Really?

- Yeah. - Would you show me how you do it?

Uh-oh! You did it now, Brad.

You found her hobby...

Making bad versions

of things that you could just easily buy in a store.

(Laughs)

But, by all means, show her how you make that thing.

Yeah. Show me how you make it.

Show me. Show me, show me, show me!

Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't leave me.

Unh!

So...

you and the guys wanna go check out some porno?

Get some eyes on some thighs?

Some peepers on some creepers?

Some rods and cones on some...

bwras and thowngs?

No.

This helmet thing isn't that bad.

I mean, we just need to cute it up, right?

Here. Take that off. Try this one. (Velcro rips)

Eh? Come on, it's pink.

All right.

This is so stupid.

What? I think it's cute.

Oh! So sorry. Sorry. Oh.

Oh, no. Don't worry about it.

Actually, I read somewhere that wearing a helmet

reduces your peripheral vision by 40%.

- Really? - No, I can't read.

(Laughs)

I'm, uh, I'm Pete.

- Oh. Penny. Hello. - Penny.

- Helmet shopping, I see. - Well...

I'm, uh, I'm looking for a lock myself.

There's a hobo in my neighborhood

who keeps trying to steal my bike.

Nice use of the word "hobo."

Makes him seem more quaint, right?

A "quaint"?

Isn't that the space

between a gal's goal and her penalty box?

I'm sorry.

I'm gonna be kinda forward here.

Do you wanna get a coffee with me sometime?

I would love to. I would love to.

But you know what? I've got so much going on. So slammed.

No, it's okay. It's totally okay.

Can't, uh, can't blame a guy for trying.

- All right. - Okay.

- Are you crazy? He's beautiful. - I know.

- He's soo cyah. - So cyah.

So cyah. I can't go on a date wearing this.

Come on. He could be your soul mate, your kindred spirit,

your "One Tree Hill".

That's not the saying, but you're right.

I cannot let this thing hold me back.

I have helmet.

- Helmet doesn't have me. - That's right.

- Hey, Pete? - Hmm?

Um, I'm actually in for that coffee.

Great! What changed your mind?

Uh, just some advice from a friend.

She's very wise.

This one's top-notch. Barely felt that.

Ah, she's a gem.

Four sandos and counting.

What's with the big appetite, hungry puppy? (Growls)

I'm carbo-fueling my rage for Brody.

Come on, man. It was just a fist bump.

It was... (Scoffs) Not just a fist bump!

I'm sensitive, okay?

This is not the first time I've been handshake-betrayed.

It was the fifth damn grade.

Jimmy Nichols offered me a high-fiver.