Dead Boss

I now sentence you to 12 years. Objection. What?

Too long?

I always knew she was a bad egg.

You are going to be stuck in here for a very, very long time.

You are washing your girlfriend's flaps under Topdog's

favourite showerhead, bitch.

I am like a horse whisperer...

for women.

I mean, it's not an address that makes much sense to me.

Helen, I will literally bend over backwards

to get you out of this hellhole.

Aaarrgh!

'Dear Maurice.

'Thanks so much for your last postcard from Death Row.

'In answer to your question, yes, but we call them knickers

'over here and no, we're not allowed lace, but that's

'for laundering reasons as much as anything. It's my fourth week

'here in Broadmarsh and whatever novelty value there was

'in being falsely imprisoned for murdering my boss is wearing off.

'Although, saying that there is

'the annual quiz this week which is a highlight of the prison calendar.

'They seem to take it pretty seriously.

'The good news is I've found someone on the outside

'who's willing to help me - Henry Keating.

'Who'd have thought some bloke from my office who I

'never even registered would be my knight in shining armour?'

ZIPPER UNFASTENS

'I just hope I can repay him one day.

'I've not heard from my sister, Laura, in a while

'but I guess it's reassuring to know she's taking care of my flat and dog

'and all my stuff while I'm in prison. Oh, and about

'the conjugal visit you suggested - I think you need to be married,

'or at least going steady...' Are you OK?

Are you having a heart attack? Huh? Yeah, no, I'm great.

Wait, where are the exits in here?

Is it just those two? What?

Somebody say Tony? I swear I heard someone say Tony.

Are you sure you're OK?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK, well let's get down to business. I'm off the case.

What? Sorry, Helen, but I will not be continuing my investigations

into the Entirely Tiles murder case.

Tony Norman is no longer associated

with Helen Stephens and her murder. What are you doing?

Is this about the money? Because my parents

re-mortgaged their gite to pay you.

It's got nothing to do with the money. Tony, I paid you

to work on my case. If you're not going to get me out of here,

I want that money back!

Yes, and I will immediately pay back every penny of that money

with a simple payment plan.

And then, by February 2016,

we can draw a line under all of this.

Now, if you don't mind, Helen,

I'm washing my hands of this whole grubby affair.

Good day to you.

And that was the last he ever saw of her.

You wait until my parents hear about this.

Nobody messes with the Stephenses-es!

Rat.

I was wondering if you had any job vacancies?

All right...

Well, then, do you have anything reduced to clear?

Or anything in your bins that's still OK to eat?

I'll show you a boob.

You were supposed to distract him!

We need to get a job.

Maybe think of this as an opportunity, Helen.

I mean, now you don't have a lawyer or any hope of getting out,

you can really go for it with this whole prison thing.

I've written a poem, actually,

about how I see our friendship developing over the next 12 years.

Unless one of us gets out. Or is sectioned.

You killed a man.

You killed a man.

Killed a man, killed a man. You killed a man and...

I didn't kill a man.

Hang on. I hadn't got to the refrain.

You killed a man, and then... Christine, look.

You are my best friend in here...

"In here"?

Oh, God, Helen.

Never have the words "in here" been so cruelly used.

No, and your friendship is important to me

but what is more important right now is that I get out of here.

I didn't kill Eric Bridges! I...

What was that for?

I don't even know! But that was obviously our first fight.

Oh, Helen!

Try not to think of your time here as a 12-year stretch, OK?

Look after the days and the sentence will look after itself.

Think, "What have I got to look forward to today?"

I'm quite looking forward to my shower.

I've got a new bottle of shower gel from Big Mags

for helping her write that abusive letter to Vernon Kaye. That's it!

And then there's the quiz! There's really good prizes this year.

Third prize is a box of Family Circle biscuits.

Second prize is one of those big bottles of Tresseme hair conditioner,

fingers crossed I get that,

and first prize is five years off your sentence.

Five years off?

Is this a misprint, Ma'am?

Last year's first prize was two litres of Pepsi Max.

The ministry want us to cut the prison population by 2%.

Now, we could judge each case on its merits

but we know how bad paperwork is for my morale

so I thought, why not just up the stakes in this year's prison quiz

and let them win their right to freedom with trivial knowledge?

Are you sure you're allowed to do that?

Ma'am knows best. I think it's a smashing idea.

I shall have my quizmaster suit dry-cleaned.

That won't be necessary, Tim. Frank will do it this year. What?

Why?

Why?

Why, why, why, why?

Because I nut-sucking well said so!

Five years off your sentence?

For first prize? If I get five years off my sentence,

I could be out of here by the time I'm 42.

I could still have a family at 42, Christine. Look at Sam Taylor-Wood!

She had the sperms of a teenager to work with, but still...

Helen. Forget about it.

There are some really clever women in here.

Chantelle on B Wing can speak two languages - English AND Patois.

Yeah, well, I studied Geography at Loughborough University,

so if you want to talk glacial moraine, bring it on. Who the flop's Glacial Moraine?

Oh, it's a geography term for...

Did I ask you?

Uh...yeah, you did ask me, actually.

Actually? Did you actually think that, actually?

Who do you actually think you are, Brainy?

Nobody! I never said I was anyone, did I?

Do you know what I'm in here for?

Fly-tipping? That's right.

But that was 14 years ago. Do you know why I'm still in here?

No, I don't know why you're...

Cos I sporked someone's throat out with one of these.

So next time you actually think I actually asked you a question,

I'm going to blatantly kill you.

Actually, that really hurts, actually.

And you can forget about trying to win this quiz, right,

cos Fatty here is on the case.

She's going to get us a little preview of the questions.

Laters, bell-ends.

What are you doing in Mr Bridges' office?

Um... I've... Well, I've been promoted.

Who promoted you? I promoted myself?

Give me a promotion, then. I can't.

I was the last of the promotions.

I'm afraid that ship has sailed.

What's that on your rucksack? What?

Oh, God. It's just some...some glue that hasn't... Don't touch it!

Got it on your trousers as well. Oh, God!

And there's some on the keyboard. What can I do for you, Mary?

I was looking for this. I'm starting up the lottery syndicate again.

Really? Why?

Our boss was murdered in this very office, Mary.

Lady Luck isn't exactly smiling at us.

And anyway, the syndicate was Helen's thing

and as she's not here to do it... Not exactly rocket science, is it?

If that wetwipe Stephens can do a collection,

I think I'm more than capable. It's what Eric would have wanted.

Hmm.

Let me muse on this, Mary.

I'm not sure that it's a good idea

and also I think...

Hi. Um, I'm Laura Stephens. Helen's sister.

I was wondering if her job was still going.

You've got some glue on your cuff.

What does Frank know about quizmastery?

It's all about suspense, theatre, drama. You've got to be a showman.

I am a showman. Look. All right, what's the capital of Finland?

Greece. See? No panache. You should say it like this -

"The answer is...Greece!"

No, it's not Greece, it's Helsinki. "The answer is...Helsinki." Tim.

You're off the quiz. Frank, it's yours now.

I'm going to close this door and count to three.

And when I open it again, you had better not be there.

We can still aim for second prize.

I've only ever been about getting that magnum of conditioner anyway.

No, screw that, Christine.

As the poster on my dentist's ceiling used to say,

"Pain is only temporary, but victory

"and porcelain molar caps are forever."

I want to take this all the way. We need to win this!

I am 100% all over that with a rash.

I admire your U-turn. Let's do this!

OK. What you swotting up on? Everything! Lucky dip! Test me?

Uh... What is the capital...

Henry VIII! You need to wait until the end of the question.

No! You don't understand, Helen. Nobody waits. Ask me another.

OK, what is... Potassium Permanganate? Er...

This is going to be great. Ask me another.

Hang on. 'Hello, Entirely Tiles. Can I help you?'

Hi, Can I speak to Henry Keating, please?

I'm afraid Mr Keating's in a meeting. Can I take a message?

Oh, yeah, OK. Can you tell him that, um...

that Helen from, uh, prison called?

Certainly. Which prison shall I say? Laura?

Hi, Helen. What are you doing there?

I work here now. Doing what?