Friday Night Dinner

All right?

Yeah. Take this, Pusface.

Yes, Lord Pissface.

Just drag it along here.

Oi!

Ow.

Hi!

God, worst job ever.

Won't be that bad.

How is clearing out the loft with Dad not that bad?

You're right, it will be that bad.

Hello?!

I'm upstairs, one minute.

You know I'd love to help, but...

Yeah.

Adam?

What?

Can you...?

Agh!

I got you!

You bastard! How did...?

You didn't really think I'd dislocated my shoulder?

What?! Well, why do you...?

There's no way they'll let me do the loft with this on.

Right. Very good. Very clever.

Coming!

OK, and... putting it back on and...

Well, obviously I'll just tell Mum.

Fine. And I'll just tell her all the grotty details

about what you got up to with Hayley Posner.

Hayley...?! You bloody dare!

Hi, what are you...?

Oh, my God! What happened?

Jonny dislocated his shoulder.

You should have told me.

Oh, it was just a little fall. I didn't want to worry you.

Oh, you are too thoughtful, Jonny.

Isn't he!

Hayley Posner.

Where's your stupid dad? Martin!

Probably still in that rancid old loft.

I'm really sorry, Adam,

but I think you might have to do it without me tonight.

Well, of course he's doing it without you tonight!

Of course!

All right, my darling. I'll get you a nice cup of tea.

I want to speak to you.

Hi, Dad!

Hello, bambinos.

There you are.

Hmm. I thought you weren't talking to me at the moment.

I'm not.

Have you seen your youngest son?

Oh, Jonny.

I know, Dad.

Why are you wearing your bleeding suit?

What?

You'll ruin it up there, you moron!

Amazing.

Martin, Jonny's not going anywhere. Can't you see he's injured?

Oh, I thought it was a scarf.

A scarf?

A scarf?

You know, fashion.

Oh, it's Val.

Hi, love.

So it's just you and me, then?

Yeah, just you and Pusface.

It's quite nasty up in the loft.

Oh, dear. Is it?

Horrible.

What's that on your chest?

Pigeon shit. A bird got in.

Great.

Aah!

Um, Dad, can you excuse us just one sec?

Right!

What? Get off!

What you doing, you div? What?

OK. You are not to say a bloody word about Hayley Posner!

So long as you don't say a word about my shoulder.

Jonny, Hayley Posner is Aunty Val's niece.

Who you took on a date, shagged, and then never called back,

just because you thought she "smelt like Mum"!

Number one, I never shagged Hayley Posner. Number two...

she did smell like Mum!

Whatever!

It wasn't even her perfume, it was her natural smell.

I really don't want to know.

It was like being in bed with...

Mum?! Urgh!

What are you two berks doing, playing in the toilet?

Adam was trying to kiss me again.

Pair of prannies.

Now, listen... I might as well let you know,

your mother and I haven't been getting on very well recently.

Great. That's not depressing.

We had a row.

About what?

Personal stuff.

What sort of personal stuff?

Sexual stuff.

Oh, Dad!

We didn't want you to actually answer that question. God!

Sorry! No, your mother's really not happy at the moment.

Right.

Last night, she threw some plums at me.

Plums?

Yes, plums.

And a lemon.

Sexual stuff?

So...?

They never have sex?

They always have sex?

They have sex in cupboards?

In skips?

With tramps?

Yeah, I know, Val, but... it's like he's obsessed with her.

How can I compete with that woman?

What's Dad been doing?

Er, who's Dad been doing?

I don't think I want to know.

I know I don't want to know.

Let's not know.

Let's not know.

Good boy, drink your tea.

Your biscuits, Sir Piss.

Oh, here, darling.

Thanks, Mum.

Oh, you smell nice tonight, Mum.

Do I?

Yeah, you smell really lovely.

Oh, thank you, darling. What a nice thing to say!

Adam, smell Mum.

Oh, don't be silly!

Go on, smell her.

I'm OK thanks. How's the shoulder?

Fine.

Fine, as in it's perfectly all right, or...?

Oh, by the way, Val's coming tonight.

Really? Aunty Val?

Yeah. I really needed a friend here tonight.

Oh. OK.

Well, it'll be lovely to see her. Won't it, Adam?

Oh, she'll want to know all about how you got on with Hayley.

Really?

Hayley?

Wait, isn't that Aunty Val's niece?

That's right.

Jonny!

You were nice to her, weren't you, Bobble?

Of course I was nice to her.

Get us some more biscuits, would you?

Er, shit off.

Adam!

Adam, loft.

Lovely to see you too.

Martin, we're having dinner soon. Go away.

Does this mean you're talking to me now?

And can you please not come near us with your filthy chest hair?

Oh, it's fine.

Martin, there are things living in it. Just go and have a wash.

But I had a wash yesterday...

Your father...

He's really upset me.

Has he?

Oh, dear.

You know, sometimes he just needs to remember that...

I'm a woman.

OK, more biscuits?

Thanks.

Sure.

Er, should you be doing that there?

What?

That, over the potatoes?

It's fine.

It's medieval.

You're worse than your mother.

Adam? Put the crumble in the oven, will you?

OK. God!

Bloody hot tap.

Done it!

Ow!

Burnt my shitting nipple!

You definitely didn't mention this.

Didn't I?

You definitely didn't.

You said you wanted us to help you clear out the loft.

This is the loft.

This is the loft, yes. But this is the water tank.

Well, I meant clean out the water tank, then.

Well, I know that now, don't I?!

What's all that stuff in it?

Oh, just general filth.

Don't worry, you'll have your dinner first.

Oh, I get fed, do I?

And we'll drain out the water.

That's good to know. I won't drown.

Dad!

Why couldn't you get a man to do it?