Shaun Micallef's Mad as Hell - Complete Series

People of Earth, attention.

Thank you. Thank you. Hello. How are you? Happy new year.

Or, as Michaelia Cash might put it...

How are you? Good to see you. Mwah! Happy new year.

So, everyone enjoy the Australia Day, Invasion Day,

Whatever Won't Offend Anyone weekend?

Yeah? Yeah, look, no, I was a bit ambivalent about it as well.

Frankly, I can't see

how we can celebrate anything on January 26 anymore,

for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, I lost out on Young Australian of the Year...

..again!

I mean, this is the 50th year in a row now.

All power to Samantha Kerr, but I do that!

Through a hoop every day here at the ABC, for you.

The second reason I can't celebrate Australia Day anymore

is that from now on, it's always going to be the day

that Sophie Monk and Stu Laundy announced

their relationship was over.

Now, as we know, the pair met just a few months ago on The Spinster,

and, from where I was sitting, the relationship looked rock solid,

but on Friday, with a very heavy heart,

Sophie Instagrammed the sad news, saying:

Well... I know. "I know."

Well, speaking on behalf of Australia, I waive that debt.

I honestly don't want that answer.

What I want is a day when the whole country can come together as one

without the cloud of these sorts of sad events hanging over it.

And I know when it comes to Australia Day,

it's different for each of us, because, as Donald Trump says,

there are two sides to every simplistic argument.

And, as we know, in both groups, there are those who are alt-right

and there are those who are alt-wrong.

But I want to focus on those who in the lead-up to our national day

were trying to effect a change for the better.

Now, as we know...

As we know, troublemaker youth radio station Triple J

decided to shift its annual Hottest 100 from January 26

in support of the 'change the day' movement,

and this left a gap in the 'making a list of songs you like' market,

which was very helpfully filled

by the alt-voice-of-youth Cory Bernardi.

Now, Triple M did one too, but Cory's was ad-free.

The Australian Conservatives 100 playlist really rocked, too,

in my opinion.

It had Savage Garden's To The Moon And Back,

the Hilltop Hoods' 1955,

Midnight Oil's Power And The Passion.

And unlike the Ms and the Js,

Cory got to engage with the artists he was featuring.

Savage Garden's Darren Hayes, for example,

tweeting when he heard the news:

The Hilltop Hoods posting:

But Midnight Oil's Peter Garrett taking a contrary view,

issued this statement about being included,

saying it was "lovely".

But none of this fazed Cory.

He is, after all, one of the Conservatives' faze-less men.

As he said of the artists he had used to further his agenda:

Exactly. I mean, Solid Rock is just a good song you can dance to.

See? It's infectious.

And as Cory says, ultimately:

And hopefully, more and more people can enjoy Cory's craft

by doing just that.

Now, the other positive contribution came from former PM Tony Abbott.

He, uh...

He saw there was division across our country

and decided not only to pour oil over troubled waters

but set fire to it as well...

..assuring Ray Hadley and those in Sydney,

who presumably have the radio on in the background

while they're doing something else, that...

What happened on 26 January 1788

was, on balance, for everyone, Aboriginal people included,

a good thing,

because it brought Western civilisation to this country.

Now, um...

Now, I don't want to presume

to speak on behalf of the Indigenous members of our population,

but I'm not sure Western civilisation

got to Australia in 1788.

Judging from what usually goes on come Australia Day,

I'm assuming that we mainly got the beginning of the Middle Ages,

before personal hygiene and the invention of the printing press.

Now, like Tony, though,

I don't wear a black armband while reading history.

I wear a blue singlet with "Love It Or Leave" written across the front.

And to be honest, like Tony, I tend to read mainly crime thrillers.

But the point is...

..not what's fair or decent or honest or thoughtful

or to have any empathy

or to question what we've been unthinkingly doing for 200 years,

it's to hold on to those few remaining things

we have in our society that conservatives can conserve.

They lost the marriage debate last year.

The least we can do, I think,

is let them celebrate terra nullius in peace.

So, what do we do moving forward?

Well, I think we keep the name as it is and, rather than change the date,

perhaps we should do as the Herald Sun has suggested

and simply MOVE the date.

It's a subtle distinction, but I think it'll make a big difference.

Move the actual date of January 26

to another part of the year - say, uh... say, October,

which is, let's face it, a bit light on for public holidays.

And historically, this would be very, very significant,

because no-one's altered the calendar since Pope Gregory XIII,

and I think this would be a great show of strength and leadership

for Malcolm Turnbull.

I mean...

I mean, we'd probably end up having to have a postal vote on it,

but I think it'd get through.

And while we're there, I think we should all get rid of Easter,

because, from what I understand anecdotally,

people aren't using it to go to church.

Ditto Christmas, Anzac Day and the Melbourne Cup.

If you're not into it, you shouldn't get a day off work.

Oh, tell you what - let's move Australia Day to February 29.

Then we'd only have to worry about it every four years.

Who's with me? Yeah!

And coming up a little later on,

strawberry ice-cream disagrees with bird.

But right now, it's time for us to look at the problem

of not what it is to be Australian,

but the problem that arises

when you're Australian and another nationality as well,

a subject that requires a little bit of plain speakin'.

Is that, um...

Is that cultural appropriation?

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

There. That's better.

Well, recently re-elected mono-citizen and the Federal...

..the Federal Minister for Transport...

Yeah, I'm not sure that's the most appropriate photo

for the Minister for Transport.

Can we do something about that?

Yeah... Yeah, OK...

Are we done?

That's OK. That's OK. I'll go with that.

Anyway, the Minister for Transport, Barnaby Joyce...

I've forgotten what I was gonna say.

Oh, that's right.

Yeah, Barnaby Joyce has been made Minister for Infrastructure.

Now, personally, I don't agree with that.

I believe that you should not be given a portfolio

unless you can pronounce it.

But the good news is that Barnaby is no longer a New Zealander.

The, um... the bad news is

that the dual-citizen-ship continues on its voyage of the damned,

with the High Court up to its eyes with nays.

For example, they have to decide which of these two candidates,

who in the last election received a combined tally

of less than one-tenth of the informal vote,

will take over Jacqui Lambie's appropriately vacant seat

in the Senate.

The contenders are the mayor of Devonport City, Steve Martin,

from the still as not yet completely rolled out Jacqui Lambie Network,

and the woman touted as "the next Pauline Hanson" -

although, I don't know why,

as the old one isn't completely clapped out yet...

Anyway, she's Kate McCulloch.

Now, Steve is next on the JLN ticket,

and he seems a fine fellow,

with a long record of commendable public service,

culminating in his appointment as mayor,

which, ironically, might render him

as constitutionally ineligible as Jacqui was,

or, as Jacqui herself put it...

I've been found to be in-illegible by way of dual citizenship.

It's true. She was in-illegible.

I know that I always found her very difficult to read.

But if the High Court goes up to Steve Martin and says,

"Hey, Steve, how can you be a senator when":

And if Steve gets ex-CUSED, then Kate McCulloch gets in.

What's she like, former adviser to Jacqui Lambie, Dolly Norman?

Um, Shaun, it's true that Jacqui and I had our differences,

but I have to say that Kate and I have our sames.