House of Lies

Marty: Previously on House of lies...

So, you and Doug met on a dating web site?

They're a great way to weed out douche bags.

I feel like, um... we're really dancing around each other.

Let it remain really awkward.

What do you want, man? Why are you here?

Dad was in a pretty bad car accident two weeks ago.

You told Kevin we're sleeping together?

What are we doing?

I'm out.

I'm gonna start my own shop.

We are promoting our very own Jeannie Van Der hooven.

Management... that doesn't even mean anything. What?

Leave right now. Spend the rest of the afternoon with me.

Did the dildo king find his dildo queen?

I mean, I-I like him.

Cool.

Malcolm: Marty, Marty, they're demolishing public housing

to make room for a goddamn Wal-Mart,

with their outsourced,

sweatshop-made, faux-Christian bullshit,

selling it to the people and the public like it's...

Economic growth. Hypocrites.

Right. And meanwhile,

the people who are most in need of the jobs this creates

get shipped 20, 30 Miles away.

Marty, even you can see how fucked-up this shit is, man.

Hey, Malcolm, man.

All right, all right, my bad, lil' man.

My passion gets the better of me sometimes.

It's cool. Call it as you see it.

Do you know what else would be cool?

If we could play some cards.

You know, squirrel, I got to say

that I'm a little stumped, you know,

at the fact that you're taking the city's side.

Especially after

all the shit they did to you.

I'm not taking the city's side, okay?

Well, you know what? Not taking a side is taking a side.

You are a bottomless pit

of lame clichés.

What, you fist-bumping him on that?

You know what?

Twenty-five.

I fold.

Yeah, man, who's shuffling these cards?

All right, youngster,

looks like it's just me and you. Heads up.

Let's go. Pay to play, baby.

Why can't we bet with real money?

Because somebody at the table doesn't have any... real money.

Har har har.

Should I call?

Well, look, you got to work it through.

Now, your Uncle just raised,

so maybe he has a good hand, maybe he doesn't.

What's important is he's got a big-ass stack,

and he's leveraging it against your stack

and he's also in position, and that's what you want to be

in any good negotiation. Remember that.

Malcolm: It's how the rich get richer.

Always at the expense of the little guy.

Right, Marty?

Remember that, too.

So should I call or not?

It's up to you.

Totally up to you.

Twenty-five. Marty: Oh!

He said he ain't scared. Ooh.

He ain't gonna get bullied. Okay.

I like that. I like that, lil' man.

Okay, all right.

All right. Game on.

What about you, big squirrel?

You interested in contributing

some of your big stack to the cause?

Oh, you want some pretzels? You can have all the pretzels.

No, no, I'm talking about the real money.

Oh, oh, the real money. No, no, no, no, no. Yes.

Ah... I'm in. Like I thought.

Pop. No, dad,

there's no way yeah, I'm in.

I'm taking money from you.

(Clears throat)

I'm going all in.

I'm not gonna let Uncle Malcolm out-leverage...

Wait, wait, wait, wait...

Uh, you should fold.

Because your Uncle is the king of the slow play.

It's what he does-- he draws you all the way down the river,

and then he sucks you dry.

Look at that.

That's a full house. That's dirty.

Pay up, baby. Just take your pretzels.

Clyde: So, I get these tickets, right?

Fucking floor seats. Amazing tickets.

The kind of tickets you would kill your mom for.

I think that says more about my relationship with my mother

than the quality of the tickets,

but go ahead. So I call Marty to offer him up

the other ticket, but he never gets back to me.

He doesn't call me back, he doesn't text me.

I have no idea what the fuck is... what?

I always thought that smug arrogance

was your most off-putting quality.

I had no idea it was tween girl insecurity.

Fuck off. There's the Clyde I'm comfortable with.

I don't come across as insecure, do I?

Doug: Yeah, hey,

Marty, it's me. Again.

Uh, Doug.

Uh, I need to talk to you about something.

Kind of important, actually,

so can you call me back when you, uh...

When you get a second?

Please, I'm begging you.

Uh, it's Doug guggenheim.

All right, bye.

God.

Hey, has Marty seemed a little distracted to you guys lately?

Even fucking Doug agrees with me. Yeah.

Even Doug agrees with you.

God, I know. It's weird. I've called him, like,

five times today, and he always calls me back. Always.

You know? Even if it's just to say,

"yo, Doug, quit blowin' up my phone." Jeannie: What?

Don't.

I'm sorry. Please don't tell him I did that. Clyde: No.

Do you have any idea how racist that is?

We're gonna have to tell him. We have no choice.

No. No, I'm not an impressions guy.

I'm just worried if he's okay.

Should we be calling hospitals?

I didn't want to have to do this,

but you leave me no choice.

Hey, I'm heading into a thing. What's up?

Sorry. I butt-dialed you. Oh.

No, don't hang up. Oh, shit.

Hang on. All right.

We got him. We got him now.

He is alive.

We know that.

Voice mail again. Are you kidding me?

Damn.

It is fucking hot in here.

So, what do you think?

Well...

What I think is,

you're asking me to leave one of the top firms in the country

to follow you to some rinky-dink start-up.

That's what I think.

Eric, come on.

We've been in this game a long time. You could see this.

Galweather stearn's a sinking ship. And what?

You're the lifeboat?

I'm the fucking coast guard.

I'm just

messing with you, Marty. Why would you do that?

Come on, man. Hey, look, you're my guy,

so of course I'm in.

Great. Now, look, no one...

No one can know.

What? You think this is

my first exodus or something, man?

Nah, you're a champ.

Hey. Come here.

Oh, let's just shake on it. Nah,

come here, you.

Marty kaan and associates. Yeah. Goddamn,

that's exciting, man. Ooh. Yeah.

You, um, wanted to...

Julianne: Has Marty finished his projections

of practice growth and sources quarterly report yet?

See me?

It was due yesterday.

Those deadlines have always been, um, more like suggestions.

Well, now they're a deadline.

Understood. I will let him know.

Great.

So, um...

where is Marty, anyway?

He is meeting with a prospective client. Oh.

Well... that's very exciting.

Mm-hmm. Huh.

You know, Jeannie,

I have, um, been giving an awful lot

of thought to the future of this company.

To the, um, kind of people

that I would like to see leading us. People like you.

Are you about to give me another promotion that changes nothing?

Fair enough.

Yeah. Actually,

I was thinking that it was time for you to run your own pod.

Official offer is going to be

on your desk by end of day.

So what do you say, Jeannie?

Are you ready to step up?

Hey! Marty. Hey.

Hey.