The Dick Van Dyke Show

"The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

You sure he'll only have to be here a few days?

Oh, the doctor said maybe not even that long.

Oh, good.

Is that tight enough?

Yeah, tight, tight.

Oh, good.

Now you stay there and be a good boy.

Stay there?

Where am I going?

Visiting hours are over, Mrs. Petrie.

Oh.

Darling, does it hurt very much?

Only when I do anything.

Would you hand me the microphone there?

Oh, Rob, you shouldn't be fooling around with a tape recorder now.

You're supposed to be resting.

I'm resting.

Look, I want to get this thing down while the memory and the pain are still fresh in my being.

I suppose I'm going to be the villain in this chapter.

A good writer does not set out to make a villain.

Villainy evolves.

I'm going to put the facts down and we'll let the guilt fall where it may.

You're still angry with me, aren't you?

No, I'm not angry.

You look angry.

Well, it's just that I'll probably have to have all my clothes altered.

I've been stretched four inches in here.

You know I love tall man.

Yes, how about swans?

Goodbye, darling.

I'll see you tomorrow.

OK, bye.

Goodbye, Ms. Taylor.

Goodbye, Mrs. Petrie.

Ms. Taylor, would you switch on that tape recorder?

On one condition.

What's that?

That I can stay and listen to the story.

OK.

All right, let's see.

I am in the hospital.

I am in traction and having such pain as would put a lesser man in tears.

Let's, for the time being, title this chapter how to put your husband into the hospital without really trying.

Let me say this, my wife is responsible for my being here.

My injuries include a muscle spasm, a stiff neck, a pinched nerve, and a sore nose.

It all started a few days ago in a very swanky after-theater restaurant called Rocky Leon's.

ROB (VOICEOVER): The place was pretty crowded so we had to sit at the bar until our table was ready, which I wasn't too happy about because there was a guy there who was flirting with Laura.

Honey, could I have a little more peanuts there?

Sure, darling. - Thank you.

Sure, honey, give the monkey some peanuts and then get rid of him.

Look, fella.

Look, fella.

Look, fella.

Hey, Vinnie, fill it up again, will you?

You've had enough, Mr. Cavendish.

I've never had enough.

Hi, honey.

I'm gonna belt that guy.

Rob, he doesn't mean it.

Well, I don't like him bothering you.

He's not bothering me.

Well, he happens to be bothering me.

Hi, Rob.

Well, Ed, how are you?

Good to see you. - Good to see you.

Laura, this is Ed Wilson.

Ed, this is my wife Laura.

How do you do?

I read your column every day.

Well, that's why I write it.

Well, Rob, anything new on "The Alan Brady Show."

Uh, no, matter of fact, not even the jokes.

Oh, good, I'll use that.

Don't you dare use that.

You have 'til the end of the evening to come up with something better.

OK, you got a deal. - See you.

You bet, Ed.

Nice meeting you, Laura.

Hey, monkey.

Hey, you on television, huh?

Honey, would you like a drink?

No.

That's where you met this little cutie pus, dancing the chorus line, huh?

How about having a few steps with me, honey?

Uh, Rob, why don't you see if our table's ready, huh?

That's right, get rid of the monkey.

Now, look-- Rob.

Listen, you just leave us alone and keep your mouth shut and there won't be any trouble.

Oh, the monkey wants to fight, huh?

No, I didn't say I wanted to fight.

Oh, the monkey's afraid to fight.

Rob, why don't you let Vinnie handle this.

How do you like that?

They want Vinnie to handle me.

Ridiculous.

I'm your husband.

I'm going to handle this.

Rob, you are not going to fight.

I'm not gonna fight.

I'm just gonna try a little psychology.

The only thing good on TV are little cutie pusses like you, huh?

You!

What's that?

I told you I didn't want to fight, but I think I'd better warn you.

I'm a black belt karate expert and these hands are registered with the police department as lethal weapons.

Now I'm obliged by law to tell you that first.

Well, thanks for the warning.

Hey, come on, baby, let's you and I go dancing.

What the!

What did you just do?

I don't know.

It looked like Judo.

Yeah, it was.

Well, where'd you ever learn Judo?

Well, when I was doing those army shows, we learned, you know, well self-defense, kind of.

Darling, are you all right?

This is fantastic.

Your table is ready.

And a bottle of wine, compliments of the house, for you and the champ.

Oh, thank you.

I didn't know this could work.

I never tried it.

Excuse me!

I've never seen anything like it.

ROB (VOICEOVER): At first, I was a little embarrassed that my masculine supremacy had been dented.

But by the time we got home, I agreed it was pretty funny.

The next day at my office, I found out differently.

Hi. - Oh, hi, Rob.

How's your nose? - Fine.

Fine?

I thought it was busted.

How did you know about my nose?

It was in the paper.

Didn't you read it?

My nose is in the paper?

Are you kidding?

Your schnoz is more famous than that Cyrano de Burgundy.

Yeah, it was in Ed Wilson's column.

Oh, by the way, how's the adorable Amazon?

Who?

Laura, the adorable Amazon.

Oh, boy, what does it say?

OK, rest your nose, I'll read it.

"Last night at Rocky Leon's, Rob Petrie, head scribe of the Alan Brady video madness introduced me to his lovely femme Laura.

I made note that she was a knockout.

And about two minutes later, she proved it."

Is all this correct according to the record?

It's reasonably accurate.

I did introduce him to Laura.

Proceed.

"A lush got fresh with the little lady and Rob stepped in to do the Sir Galahad bit.

He was promptly flattened with a shot in the snoot and would have been mauled if his adorable Amazon hadn't decked the bar fly with a perfectly executed judo flip.

jokes or his wife will flatten you."

Oh.

Hey, Rob, come on, don't be upset.

My wife Pickles once saved me from getting shot.

What do you mean?

She married me.

Oh, this is terrible.

No, I don't know about you, but I kind of think it's adorable.

Well, you would, you're a woman.

Don't you understand what this thing says?

It says that Laura defended you like any good two-fisted wife should.

Yeah, what are you worried about, Rob?

She's on your side, you married a bodyguard.

Don't you realize what a ribbing I'm gonna get on account of this?

Oh, a lot more vicious than you're getting right now because nobody loves you like we do.

Thanks, but I just don't think Ed Wilson should have put this in his column.

You're right, it should be on the sport pages.

Oh, by the way, Rob, where's Laura fighting tonight?

Oh!

You see that?

Boy, it's already blown up all out of proportion already.

She catches one guy off guard, all of a sudden she's the adorable Amazon and I'm a 98-pound weakling.

You only weigh 98 pounds?

You know, Rob, I think you're just sore because Laura was able to save your life.

Oh, no.

I'm proud that Laura can take care of herself.

And still be able to beat you up.

She didn't beat me up, she beat the other guy up.

Yeah, but he beat you up and she beat him up, which means that she can beat you up.

He's right, Rob.

She's got a legitimate shot at the title.

What title?

Man of the house.

Oh, that's very cute.

That's very cute.

Listen, you two keep it up, and I am going home.

Now, wait a minute, this could make a funny sketch, you know, about a dopey guy whose wife is always beating him up.

Or-- Or nothing.

Listen, that's not a bad idea.

We could do this sketch about this dopey guy whose wife always beats him up after an argument.

And instead of her saying, I'm going home to mother, she gives him a Judo-- we could go on a picnic.

I'll bring the sandwiches.

Yeah, I'll bring the jams and jellies.

Hello?

Yeah, this is Petrie.

My wife in what?