Mike & Molly

All right, I got Vince a bottle

of that bug spray he calls cologne

and Mom a set of crystal wine glasses.

I don't know why you blow money on expensive wine glasses.

I've seen her drink Chardonnay out of a cereal bowl.

I've seen her suck it off a blouse she spilled it on,

but those glasses are more for guests.

Does this mean we're done shopping?

'Cause if I hear the Chipmunks sing another Christmas song,

I'm setting myself on fire.

I'm almost done.

I still have to get something for Carl, Samuel and Kevin.

Who's Kevin? Our mailman.

You call the mailman Kevin?

That's his name. What do you call him?

I call him the jerk who stole

my Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition.

He doesn't steal any of my mail

because I buy him a nice Christmas gift.

Well, we shouldn't have to bribe

civil servants to get them to do their jobs.

Said the police officer who accepts

a free meal at every restaurant he eats at.

I keep the city safe.

I shouldn't get a free patty melt once in a while?

Merry Christmas.

And Merry Christmas to you... Debbie.

I'm just saying, friends and family are one thing,

but let Santa cover the meter readers and the UPS guy.

I know, but it's Christmas.

Don't be such a grumpy Grinch.

I'm sorry, ma'am, your card's been declined.

Oh, I don't... I don't think it is, Debbie.

I just used it

at Brookstone and Williams-Sonoma.

Maybe just rub it on your shirt and give it another swipe.

I mean, I know it's

the credit card company just being

overly cautious, and I know it's to protect me,

but it's kind of a pain in the rump, right?

Declined.

Did you pay the bill?

Of course I paid the bill.

No biggie, no biggie.

Plenty of... plenty of other cards.

If you could just...

spread that over those three,

we'll be right as rain.

I don't think I'm allowed to do that.

Oh, they don't give those name tags to cowards, Debbie.

Molly, there's a lot of people waiting.

I know; I feel their horrible stares.

Happy holidays, everyone. Just be a... a sec.

Give me you credit card.

So, all your cards are maxed out?

Mike, you are embarrassing me.

Here you go, Debbie.

Thank you for your patience.

Don't get too friendly.

We're not buying her a Christmas present.

Oh, my God.

It's a miracle.

It's a Christmas miracle.

My gift to you, doll.

You get to bang a complete stranger

without actually banging a complete stranger.

Oh, if I'd known you were going get me new hair,

I would have gotten you new boobs.

Is it people hair?

'Cause sometimes they make them

out of dog fur or they shave a monkey.

No, I sprang for actual human hair from Kuala Lumpur.

They get it from convicts and dead transients.

It's not a big deal.

I'll just call the credit card company

and tell them to raise my limit.

I do it all the time.

That's not a solution, you're just extending the problem.

Oh, God, can we talk about this later?

It is Christmas. The season of giving.

Speaking of which, I'd love that 300 bucks I gave you last week.

Am I the only one that knows how to celebrate the holidays?

When did Vince get hair?

I don't know. I was gonna ask you.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Pet, don't pull.

I want a Lala-Loopsie, Littlest Pet Shop, Lego Friends,

a ballerina skirt, hula hoop...

Hang on, little lady.

Now, that's quite a list.

Why don't you just pick the one you want the most?

I want them all.

Yes, but somebody's got to pay for all those toys,

and you don't want your mommy and daddy

to be over-extended on their credit card.

Here you go, Princess.

And don't worry about Santa.

He ain't been right since Blitzen kicked him in the head.

Happy holidays.

Man, these kids came here for toys,

not financial advice from a fat guy in a fake beard.

Hey, if Molly had run into

a straight-talking Santa when she was a kid,

money wouldn't shoot through her

like poop through a Christmas goose.

Man, watch your language.

This is Christmas Tree Lane, not Potty-Mouth Road.

Captain. Captain.

Stay in character, boys.

The kids are eye-balling you.

: Aye-aye, Captain.

Uh, Santa, can I have a word with you?

Okay.

I'm not sitting on your lap, Biggs.

Oh, of course not, sir.

And don't worry, kids, Santa's not under arrest.

We're just comparing our "Naughty or Nice" lists.

So remember to keep your noses clean and don't do crack.

Right, Captain?

Right.

I'm surprised the other elves

haven't beaten him to death with their tiny hammers.

Yeah, but the kids love him,

and every half hour, he break-dances for them.

Oh, I'm sorry I'm going to have to miss that.

Anyway, Biggs, I wanted to talk to you about your mother.

Uh, everything good between you two, I hope.

Oh, never better.

I just wanted to discuss her Christmas gift.

Well, she loves those slipper-robe sets,

but you can't go wrong with a nutty cheese log.

Actually, her one request this year

was to spend Christmas with her only child.

Oh, I'm definitely stopping by.

I got to give her her slippers, her robe

and her nutty cheese log.

Actually, you'll be there all Christmas Eve

and waking up there Christmas morning, like you used to.

I'd love to, sir, but I'm married now,

and, you know, in order to stay that way,

I kind of do what I'm told.

We'll expect you at 8:00 sharp.

And I'm sure once your better half

sees the happy look on your mother's face,

she'll be glad you did it.

Yeah, that's one way it could go.

You know, there was a time

when they were pretty picky

about who they let into the academy.

Your sister is going to love this baby.

This is the Lyric King 9000.

It's got a built-in 500-gigabyte hard drive,

on-screen song selection

and a four channel wireless microphone,

in case Victoria wants to work the crowd.

Oh, if there's a crowd, she'll work it.

And if there's not, she'll draw one.

And it's got auto-tune.

: So you can get funk-kay.

Cool!

And I still get your employee discount, right?

30 percent.

And this is a floor model, so, another 20.

That's half off... and Mike says...

: I'm not fru-gal.

Does it play Christmas songs?

In English and Korean.

(singing "Jingle Bell Rock" in Korean)

Sold. Sold.

Now, I gotta get this wrapped up

and under the tree.

You don't want to hear me sing "Frosty the Noonsaram"?

I don't.

If you could reimburse me now,

I can finish my Christmas shopping tonight.

Oh, you know, Mike's actually

taking care of the checkbook now,

so can this wait until he's asleep?

Actually, I need the money now.

You know, holidays and all.

Well, it's a good lesson for you about budgeting, hmm?

You got to settle on a number and stick to it.

Hey, Mol. Hey, Larry.

Actually, I'm Harry.

Whoa, I don't need to know

your life story, dude.

Wax it if it's getting bushy.

Wow, she remembered my whole name except the first letter.

Just give me half of what you owe me

and we'll say the karaoke machine's from both of us.

No, I bought it for her.

Not yet you haven't.

Fine, but you're helping me wrap it.

And it's gonna say from Molly and Harry,

not Harry and Molly.