New Girl

Nick, your houseguest is urinating in the bathroom

Tony the Tiger style.

- Naked with a kerchief? - What?

Naked with a kerchief.

No, what do you call top, no pants?

- Oh, that's like a Winnie the Pooh or a Paddington. - Honey the Smacks Frog.

There's a Donald the Duck. I guess pretty much

any kind of bear except for Yogi

'cause that's naked with a tie.

Alvin, Simon, Theodore.

I saw his entire butt.

Look, Dirk's a good guy.

He was my roommate when I was in law school.

- Smartest guy I know. - So, he's a lawyer?

No, he's not a lawyer, but he does have a law degree,

a business degree, and a master's in agriculture.

He's kind of like a degree collector.

He's got his PhD in poetry, so...

That sucks for poems.

How'd it go with Fancyman?

It was an amazing first date,

except for one awkward part at the end.

I don't go on dates very often.

Guys my age always want to skip the date

and just go right for the gold.

Which I don't give them

because I'm stingy with my gold.

Unless they dig for it.

I haven't even gotten to the awkward part yet.

Oh, hi.

Black sedan?

Uh, yeah.

What?

So, he patted me on the back.

I thought I'd at least get

a front pat. Whoo-ha!

What?

Look,

he probably just got nervous.

No, Russell's never nervous.

That's the worst answer.

Winston, what do you think?

Oh, thank God.

Hey, what's up, baby?

- Ooh. - Hey, is that Shelby?

What was that? That was a cat sound.

Oh, because you did the whip, we should've...

- Guys! - It should have been the other way around.

Okay, I'm just gonna ask Cece.

But next time you guys want advice about girls,

don't come crawling to me.

- You got it. - That sounds good.

No, that was a joke; I love it

when you guys ask me stuff. It makes me feel really important.

- And I love it... - "One shade the more,"

"One ray the less,"

"Had half impaired the nameless grace."

Are you wearing a ladies' scarf?

Come to my lecture tomorrow night.

Absolutely not.

She's missing out, my man.

- Hey, Schmidt? - Yeah?

Mind if I borrow your car to take Shelby to the airport?

Oh, I don't have a car, Winston.

Hey, Schmidt, uh, you mind if I use the, uh,

"man-bulance"?

The man-bulance is resting. He needs to get ready

for the corporate team-building retreat on Monday.

That's cool. I'm sure the man-bulance couldn't handle

all of Shelby's luggage anyway.

Ooh... What the hell is wrong with you, Winston?

The man-bulance could fit the luggage of nine Shelbys.

It has the towing capacity

of a thousand Shelbys.

You know what? Here you go, Winston.

There you go.

- Enjoy luxury. - All good, man.

I got your second set, so thank you.

How'd you get my second set of keys?

Hey, someone left your door open.

Someone left your face beautiful.

Who is that?

Apparently, his name is Dirk.

Sorry, Dirk, I'm seeing somebody.

But should that stop you

from seeing this?

Yeah!

That's awesome. Does he keep you happy?

He does what he's told.

So you're the boss and he's your little secretary?

Oh,

you're a sex-cretary?

I am definitely the boss.

Sex-cretary, he just made that up.

I hate bachelorette parties.

I have, like 50 different penis items in my carry-on.

This plane goes down, there's gonna be

some sharks doing some really weird stuff.

Sharks? I thought you were going to Vegas?

No, I'm going to Mexico. I thought I told you that.

Hmm-mm.

Well, if you don't want me to go,

I don't have to go.

No, no, no, no, no, no, I want you to go.

It'll be good, you know?

We spent the last five nights together.

I mean, you know, we both could use some space.

Right.

- Did I say something wrong? - What?

I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you across all the space.

Hey.

Great news, um, Jess is taking a shower.

Okay, I just need, like, a good, solid ten minutes.

Eat this granola bar first.

I want to try something called the horse trough.

No, Cece.

I'm not having sex with you right now.

I have to get everybody in the company's name

into a version of "We Didn't Start the Fire."

Totally fine.

What do you need, like, 20 minutes?

Cece, this... (chuckles) Okay, this is real work

for my real boss who is not you.

Oh, I get what's happening here.

It's 'cause Ponytail called you a "sex receptionist."

A sex receptionist answers calls all day.

A sex-cretary does scheduling, light filing,

basically runs the office.

So, first of all,

thank you for the demotion.

And second of all, I quit.

So, I'll see you tonight.

Did you not hear anything I just said?

Oh, no, I totally heard you loud and clear,

but do you know who didn't happen to hear you?

What are you doing?

Don't-don't-don't involve them.

Oh, my...

They just didn't hear.

Don't bring them into this.

Don't tell me.

Tell them.

Hi.

I guess, uh, Harold, Kumar,

I love... I love you both.

All the zany adventures we've had.

But we can't go to White Castle today.

Just can't do it.

You're serious about this?

Cece?

Is Schmidt bothering you?

This is not over.

Okay?

Was it like a caress or like a... like a pat?

No, like a pat; It was distinctly a pat,

and it was actually kind of hot.

The man knows how to pat a back.

At any point during the night,

did you do your Kermit the Frog imitation?

Maybe.

: Once or twice.

No, stop, it freaks me out and you know.

Well, what do I do?

I really, really want to see him again, like, badly.

- You just call him. - I can't.

He's too sophisticated.

He told me he'd run with the bulls,

and I quote,

"not the touristy bulls in Pamplona."

Big deal. Just call him.

Schmidt says the moment a woman touches a phone,

she loses her power unless she's sexting,

in which case, she gains a half power.

Okay, well, that's Schmidt just talking...

I mean, what does Schmidt know?

Look, all the guys that you live with-- boys.

You've only dated boys.

Russell is a grown man,

and I bet he likes women

who know what they want and ask for it.

He has a hot air balloon in a hangar in Palm Springs.

Okay, sweetheart, you are sophisticated.

You've just got to pick up the phone,

and you ask him out for dinner.

You know what? You're right: I am sophisticated.

I'm gonna do this.

What is that?

It's a phone.

Oh, God.

And thus ends our journey through the words of time.

From Dylan Thomas to Bob Dylan,

from Dylan to Dylan.

They're both named Dylan.

- Watch him bring it home, man. - Do I have to?

We have to rage.

"Rage against the dying of the light.

"And when the light

is no longer bright."

"Don't think twice, it's all right."

It's over.