Zorillo's Secret (Secretul lui Zorillo)

DACIA FELIX 138 AD

Shortly after the Roman-Dacian wars,

a fragile peace persists in the occupied Dacian lands.

The peace is threatened when the Latins discover

that the Dacians possess technologies

obtained from light years away through the Babel/Sphynx 111 portal.

A treasure that is now lost

was sent to them by "ancestors from the future"

in order for the people to return to their ancient homeland

on the dark side of the Moon.

In order to make this journey possible,

the Dacians have set up a travel agency

and High Priest Zotula sends three men to find the Chosen Being,

the last piece required for the ancestral journey.

Roman forces are already moving in on Dacia

in order to take hold of the future technologies at any cost.

The faith of the Dacians lies in the hand of three men. Three…

Come on!

- The coins! - My dear coins! The jerky!

What has become of us, brothers?

We're fugitives in our own kingdom.

Dressed in foreigners' clothes.

Yes. What are we going to do with Zotula?

We did everything Geto-Dacianly possible.

- But you can't fight history. - Right!

It's impossible to fight history.

But we are Dacians, descended from Thracians.

We're descended from Dacians, who are descended from Getae,

who are descended from Thracians, same as the Dacians…

- I think that's enough. - Yes.

Don't take it to heart.

Right.

The Romans are coming back, brothers!

I can't keep running anymore.

Zalmoxis…

Code Lightspeed!

ZORILLO'S SECRET THE DAC SIDE OF THE MOON

THREE DAYS EARLIER

Spittoon for the Romans. it's good.

Sorry, not interested.

It's copper. Quality merchandise.

I've had many of these. They don't sell.

At least one koson.

I can buy a dozen of these for half a koson from the consignment.

Move along, I have other clients. Look, I'll give you…

a quarter denar or two bronze arrow tips.

Give me half a denar.

Take a quarter and let me be!

Come on, man, you think you're Amalius at the spa?

Stop throwing corn at me, it gives me rashes!

- I'll wet myself! - Get your own pool!

Go fix your barrel at home!

It's not worth it just to take a bath every five years!

Get dressed faster, you're traumatizing the chicken!

- Cabbage, cabbage, badger! - Foal, foal!

I have big news, boys!

- Wifey, three goblets! - Why don't you move your own ass?

Again with these bums! Are we running a bar here?

Three, I don't exist for you anymore. Am I invisible or what?

Asshole!

I won't drink with you anymore. Go drink with your hoes!

Muses.

You've lost it since you've started running around with these tramps!

You even pawned off grandpa's bust!

- That cheap-ass! - He was a Getae!

You know the one with the Getae? Get away from Zorillo!

- Cheers! - Boys, you know the emperor's coming?

You do know.

I hope you didn't betray our mission.

- He comes for the treasure. - What treasure?

- The treasure! - Excuse me, I'm hungry.

- Want some? It's striped pork jerky. - Shut it!

- Tell me! - The biggest treasure ever.

Many, many crazy inventions.

The Romans can't find it.

It's said to be here, in the Valley of Envy.

- How do you know this? - Rumors are going around.

- Yeah? Any other rumors going around? - That's it.

Stop! Trust me. Can't a man make a joke?

You gave me a cramp.

- Tell me! - Okay.

There's a map. The governor's looking for it.

It should be hidden in the turd field where Baznabostes had the pig farm.

- What? - Manure, that is.

- Yes. - I used to work there when I was little.

Helper to the temporary junior assistant pigsty man.

The Romans dug a hole the size of China.

Of course they didn't find it!

Baznabostes kept his belongings

in the Valley of Slime, near the slaughterhouse.

I found scrolls and doilies there and…

We're going to the Valley of Slime. We make a camp fire

and tomorrow we search for it rested.

- Come on! Up, up… - And away!

And a pair of earrings.

- Zorillo, wait! - Why?

We have to show this fence, they gave us money for the film.

Oh, yeah! Star Stone, there's no rock like our own!

Excellent! Back to history!

When the wind blows

The sea begins to talk

She's angry

At those who have lied

When the wind blows

The sea begins to talk

Sorceress Vesuvia.

She's angry at those…

Tell me, Vesuvia, what lies before me?

Amalius, be prepared!

The emperor will pay you a visit.

The emperor?

- For real? - For real.

The emperor seeks the Dacian treasure.

She's angry

- When will he arrive? - Soon. Very soon.

Where is the treasure?

This is too great a mystery for me.

But I can tell you the fashions of my day.

Not interested. To the lions!

No! Mercy, please! No!

Dorianus Jerkus Captivus!

Sing me something, anything except "Baldy Swims".

Jerkus John, illustrious Amalius.

"Baldy Swims" it is!

Baldy swims

Time for my massage, girls.

- So firm! - Yeah.

- He has a tattoo! - Yeah!

From my grandpa. Crazy man.

He said: "I left you the biggest treasure."

It was a tattoo.

Pork jerky goes down well with red wine.

- Forget abut that! - Shut up!

Turn the heat down!

What do you do for a living, sexy boy?

Me? I'm an entrepreneur, ma'am.

And you? You play the flute?

They prostitute. On the Appian Way.

Someone's coming!

Who are you? Stop or I'll shoot!

I'm a Dacian, like you fine people.

- What's your name? - Twolighterses.

How can that be your name?

Zorillo… Twolighterses, got a light?

I don't smoke.

- Healthy man. - Yeah. Tell us! What brings you here?

I'm looking for Zorillo, Zdrelos and Bezmetis.

- That's us. Go ahead! - Very well, then. I carry a message.

But I have to ask you a security question, to make sure you're the addressees.

- Shoot! - You have to give me the password.

Why do you two have beards and Zdrelos doesn't?

- What? Like I don't have a beard? - You call that a beard?

It's you!

Here's the message!

I am envoy High Priest Zotula's envoy.

At dawn…

when the skies turn blue,

be at his temple.

A sacred mission awaits you.

A mission that will decide the fate of all us Dacians.

Zotula has chosen you as his champions.

Us? Why us? Was there nobody else to choose from?

Maybe a dying man or an old dude.

I don't have the answer.

It is up to you to carry out this mission given by Zalmoxis himself.

Be worthy! Be brave!

Complete this task!

Okay… Sorry to digress!

But… How did you know how to find us?

It's in the script.

Who wrote this script?

My warriors…

- Giddy up! - We don't have horses.

Then…

See you!

Come on! Kisses, girls, bye-bye!

Wait up! Don't leave me alone here!

Zip, zap, zoom, fsst!

Zip, zap, zoom, fsst!

Zip, zap, zoom, fsst!

Cabbage, cabbage, badger!

- We don't want to trouble you. Excuse us! - Get down on your knees!

Zip, zap, zoom, dormouse!

I should have you flogged for interrupting the holy service.

- We're sorry, great Zotula! - Quiet!

You pronounce it with the accent on the "U".

We don't place the accent on the first syllable like the Huns do.

I have summoned you here…

What I have to tell you will shake you to your core.

Zalmoxis himself spoke to me.

And I have chosen you, brave sons of Dacia,

for a sacred quest.

Our people's fate hangs in the balance.

It can be saved

only if you accomplish the task I shall entrust you with.

It pertains to the Grand Journey.

This journey must be undertaken

by a being Zalmoxis knows

as the keeper of our holy spirit.

Could it be the dancing nymph?