Shameless

Anyone watching thinking we know fuck all

about knowing fuck all about owt needs to watch their back.

So you've had your Labour, reclassifying skunk,

sending prices sky-high.

Literally, literally, taking the grass from its own roots.

Now you've got your condemnation.

Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up.

Have we had a national fucking stroke, or what?

Is revolution a word, or was it never?

Anybody watching needs to know

we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth.

Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester

and they charge us for water!?

I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found.

This green and pleasant land in ancient times...

Fuckin' bastard!

Yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak!

It's not theirs any more.

This is our England now.

Paaaarty!

60 seconds a minute, 60 minutes in an hour,

24 hours in a day, seven days a week,

four weeks in a month, and 1,000 months in a lifetime.

Dead man walking.

That's all, if you're lucky.

Dead man walking.

Ha ha ha ha! Boo!

Tick them off on the calendar. Count 'em down, one by one.

One life to squeeze in all the fucking and fighting

and drinking and loving and living you can.

Hiya, sweet cheeks! Ooh, yeah.

Stick it in me, you fucking wimp!

Dead man walking.

But they won't let you live. They want to smother you...

...to damn you,

condemn you to fucking work.

One thousand measly months constitute a life,

and they sentence you to employment.

Me, employment?

Dead. Man. Walking.

Given your lifetime of inactivity,

under the new Government guidelines,

I now have no license whatsoever to label you unfit for work any more.

Feigning mental illness won't work either, Mr Gallagher.

Fucking hell. It's immoral. Thrown to the lions.

It's going cold!

I loved my first job.

Cutie little parlour maid in a big house off O'Connell Street.

Pretty uniform.

The master used to tamper with me after Mass on Sunday

while his wife delivered scones to the poorhouse.

Means there's one less job for the school leavers.

The job he's going to get isn't one you'll want to do.

Yeah, cos there's going to be loads of them about

Eh!

Whatever.

And can you give us two packs of the green papers? Small ones.

You're putting away a lot of weed, aren't you?

The skins are Mimi's, OK?

Cos she knows buying them makes me feel like a tramp.

Ours is guaranteed to hit the spot quicker.

What, in a "Mike Tyson and foreplay" kind of way yeah?

Here you are, there's your stuff.

I'm not looking to date rape you, this stuff is 100% legit.

If you feel drowsy, blind money back.

You don't know what you're missing, love.

You'll come round.

You have to stop fucking with the formula.

You see, that, right there. That's the difference between us.

We should be looking to leave a legacy. Create a work of art.

How do you think all the timeless liqueurs got invented, eh?

Drambuie, Cointreau, Tia Maria?

One fine day it'll be,

"a pint of lager and a Shane and Jackson, please"

"A Shane and Jackson"?

Yeah, we'll create a design classic. Like snakebite and black,

Sex On The Beach, Black and Tan.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Why not "a Jackson and Shane?"

Alphabetical.

No, it's not.

Er, vowels!

I've got an A in mine.

Well, I've got both, A and E. Fuck off.

Where's the Marmite?

Oh, fucking hell.

Oh, here we go, Al Capone with another crate of Absolut Piss.

Oh, fucking comedian.

Fucking hell, that is 'anging. It's even worse than the last lot.

Told you. You need patience to get it right, mate.

And are you going to sit there all day, are you?

Fucking drip, drip, drip, drip?

I will. I can't get hurt doing that, can I?

It's no place for a mammy's boy.

Such a chore spending time together?

No, course not. It's just... stretch my legs now and then.

We don't need anyone else.

I say we do.

What if I cover half his wages?

Sounds good to me. Billy, you're on.

Really?!

Be careful out there.

Yes! Ha ha!

Thanks, Mam.

Psst! Hey, pssst. What are you in for, sweetheart?

Fuck all. I'm wrongly convicted.

We're all wrongly convicted! The system's got it in for us.

Ey, don't lump me in with you. I'm a political prisoner.

Direct casualty. Coalition of the dick-less, Iggle-Piggle Cameron

and the Last Ever Leader of the Liberal Party.

Not an idea nor a sexual organ between them. I'm different.

We're all different!

Life as you know it is over. You're finished.

I'll be free any day.

There's only one way out of here, mucker.

Ready...

...take aim...

...FIRE!

Mr Gallagher?

Mr Gallagher?

You find anything interesting today?

Er... yeah, plenty. Y'know, it's just man in my condition...

Isn't the measure of a civilised society

how well it looks after its raspberries?

Compared to most of the world, we provide exemplary care.

Yeah, but how can anyone be 100%, eh?

Except you're deemed fully fit.

"Empathy and Understanding" new Government guidelines.

How we gently nurture the long-term unemployed back to the workplace.

You're now my personal mission. And I'm your champion.

Just sign there, Francis. This is to say you're fit for work.

Frank?

Why won't you sign?

You will not defeat me.

I will not be defeated. You cannot contain me!

I am Frank Gallagher. I am a free man.

No touching!

They're going off.

Well not enough.

These are the wash, getting ready for the still.

Vodka, rum, molasses, with a Maguire twist of cinnamon,

cloves and ginger. The barrels are the volume, the basics,

where we earn most of the readies, but...

These are my fucking babies.

What's in them?

Oak chips.

Ethyl nitrate, lactose concentrate, yeast enzymes...

additives.

Collection commences between 110 and 115 degrees.

Keep an eye on the temperature and burn a sample every other hour.

But basically, all we need you for is to stir or shake.

That every hour. And froth these babies...

harder than your bellend. All of them. Every two hours.

No problemo.

Nectar...

Not bad...

Yeah. Well drink more than a thimbleful at this stage

and your liver'll shrivel like a walnut.

You going to be all right?

Yeah, man.

Owww, fuck!

I'll take double this time.

Not happening, Patty get too fond of these,

and before you know it you'll be clucking like some desperate junkie.

Huh, like it could ever come to that.

Next thing you'll be giving noshes for a tenner in Whalley Range.

Chance would be a fine thing. I'd pay them!

But if you just give me double now,

then, if I know I have some in stock it saves coming here as much.

You know, in case you're not home...

One week's worth. And when they're gone, I'll be here.

You give Sylvia Staples twice as much as me.

She won't see Christmas. They're easing her past the post.

I've got the constitution of an ox.

Mad cow if you don't watch it.

Glass of water?

Thank you.

Melt those stresses away like a bath of asses' milk.

I'm keeping an eye on you.

I've never seen that old boot in such good spirits.

Hey, One Direction, got a proposition for you.

Your lucky day, me old china.

Forget it, Frank.

What, come on, where's your business instinct?

Protecting me from you.

It's not just money... you know?

It's just produce, you know.

Skunk, resin, Mary Jane.

Lay some on us. I'll pay you tomorrow.

After you've smoked it? No chance.

I'm going to sell it, honest...

Oh come on, Escobar started somewhere!

Oh, fuck the lot of you, then.

I'm dropping out.

Dropping out of what? You're not even a part of anything.

I'm going to live off the grid.

The steel things in the street?

No, self-sustenance...

y'know, solar panels, grow some spuds,

chickens for free eggs,

wind turbines in the garden...