Iliza Shlesinger: Unveiled

Thank you, Nashville!

Thank you.

So this year was a really important year for me

because I got...

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

I appreciate that reciprocity.

I said something positive, you gave me positivity back.

I was like, "I got married,"

and you were like, "That's great. How old is she?"

But like, you went...

...for it.

I think sometimes as women

we're afraid to share good personal news with people.

Because we're afraid that other women won't be happy for us.

What a scathing note

to start a special out on.

But all too often you say something good like, "I got married,"

- and what I'll get back is like... - "Amazing."

I am here running on a platform

- to eradicate the usage of the word... - "amazing"...

...from our female vocabularies

because I know what "amazing" means. Okay?

Girls, when you say "amazing," I know you don't mean amazing.

- Okay, so save it for your boyfriends. - They are not paying attention.

I know what amazing means.

When a woman says "amazing," what she actually means is,

"This isn't about me and I don't care and I'm a little insecure

but I wanna make sure I'm being a good feminist

and saying 'amazing' back when in actuality it's boring." Amazing.

That's what that means.

Amazing.

We've become like robots just like, "Amazing, amazing, amaz...

Amazing. It's amazing."

Because in the wake of Me Too and Time's Up,

all of these important, very necessary movements,

what's come out of it is women policing other women

and we walk around terrified as women of being called bad feminists

by quite frankly other bad feminists.

So we all walk around on this heightened alert like,

"She's amazing. I didn't say anything. Don't get mad at me. I love all women.

No woman's ever made a mistake. White jeans are always a great choice.

Slay, queen." Terrified.

Terrified.

That if we give an actual opinion, we're going to get crucified.

That if you say any criticism,

some blogger in the back of the room is like...

"Female comic shamed my choices by existing.

She hurt my fee-fees."

That's what happens.

So we all walk around and all we're doing

is blaming other women for our own insecurities

and all of a sudden everyone's shaming everyone

by sharing an opinion that you fought so valiantly to get to exercise.

"You're shaming her. You're shaming her."

"I'm not. She fucked up my coffee order.

No personal agenda. I asked her to make it again."

This is why China is beating us.

Okay?

I'm a real feminist.

I judge you on the asshole that you are, we go from there.

That's what it should be. Okay?

That's what it should be.

You liking another woman should not be mandated.

That's not feminism, that's communism.

Okay?

This idea that just because she showed up I'm supposed to have this abundant love,

I can promise you this as a feminist.

I'm excited you showed up. I'm excited you're capable.

I do not hate you because you're younger than me

or prettier than me or as successful.

However, you showed up and so did I

so let's get it started 'cause life's a competition.

Like, let's do it that way. Okay?

And I know other women feel the same way,

not just because you're laughing at what I'm saying,

but if you look at the language that women consistently use to uphold one another,

the language is aggressive. 'Cause women are aggressive,

we're just not allowed to show it

because "likability and wrinkles."

So we keep everything...

But we're aggressive,

look at the words we use on our "slay all day" tote bags

and our "feminists with to-do lists" neckerchiefs.

Look at the words.

"You're killing it."

"I'm gonna kill you."

"She's slaying it."

"I'll slay you in the fucking streets."

"Murdering it." "Wrecking it."

"Shutting it down in the name of the dark lord!"

Like everything.

It's just on fire. It's exhausting.

I don't have, at 36, the full energy every time I see a woman to be like...

"Kill it, queen! Mama.

Amazing!"

'Cause I'm so tired from doing all the other shit society told me to do.

So if I see you, you're not going to get the full welcome bouquet,

but it's not personal.

The most you're going to get out of me is just...

So I got married and I married a chef,

another thing that I was reticent to tell people

because of our country's preconceived notions about chefs

and everybody has an opinion on food.

Everyone you know, you say, "I married a chef." They're like...

"I am a chef, sort of. I film myself, I make it.

I put my hand in the water!

I'm in to cooking. I have a food blog, I'm a foodie."

Nope, you're just huge.

It's not... you're not a foodie.

It's not the same.

"I love food."

I'm like, "Me too when I'm drunk at 3:00 a.m. and there's a taco truck,

'I'm a foodie, ' but it's not the same thing."

"No, I have a blog.

I write mean comments in a Yelp page. I'm hoping to get a series picked up

based off of it.

I love... I take pictures of my spaghetti with a flash

so it looks like a snuff film."

Pro tip: don't take a picture of your food. Period.

But don't take a picture of your food with a flash.

It makes the food look like a hostage.

The food always looks scared.

Like, take a picture of spaghetti with a flash, the spaghetti looks like,

it's like, "Please unchain me, I won't tell anyone.

I promise to be loyal."

Everyone's involved with food now.

I think it's because of the Food Network, the ubiquity of these cooking shows.

Everyone loves cooking and the Food Network,

even if you haven't seen the Food Network, you've seen the Food Network, right?

Like, we've all seen Chopped, right?

Yeah.

Inside your wicker basket, you'll find a severed head and a grape,

make a frittata. Yes.

And everyone's a celebrity chef now.

Everyone's like a "celebrity chef." You can't just be a chef.

When I was little, I don't remember any boy saying they wanted to be chefs.

There were no celebrity chefs.

There were like a couple of them. When your parents were kids,

there were like three fat French guys

and Julia Child and like that was it.

You weren't a chef, you were a cook and you were a cook on accident.

You were a cook 'cause dudes were coming home from Vietnam,

we didn't know what PTSD was yet,

they're like, "Bob's acting weird.

Stick him in the back."

"Female comic makes scathing social commentary

about our nation's treatment of veterans.

Accurate but hurtful."

And because of how many food shows there are out there,

the Food Network knows what kind of chefs you like to watch,

so they cast the same archetypes of chefs, right?

So there's always like a "bad boy" chef

and I didn't want people to think I was married to that.

Like just a sack of rage, fully tattooed piece of shit.

"This is a devil's tooth, here's your crepe, suck my dick, Karen!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

These are gauges in my ears,

they also measure out an ounce of responsibly-sourced tuna,

eat my butt, Susan!

Just tough.

Yeah, wallet chain.

I keep a knife in my truck to do a fine chop on parsley,

lick it. Just tough."

There's always a bad boy chef and there's always a lesbian chef.

There's always a lesbian chef

that takes cooking, like, a little too seriously...

...for this to be

an enjoyable viewing experience. They're always posted up,

- feet hip-width apart, like... - "Yes, chef!"

You're like, "Okay.

Can you just stand down?

Thank you for your dinner service, but just relax."

"I make vegan wedding cakes."

"You need to chill out."

This is so aggressive, right?

They're always tough.

She always got a faux hawk and a bandanna.

And food-related tattoos.

Like salt, pepper, sugar. Like, yeah.

Right? They're always like meaty.

Always a... Always a little mean-looking, right,

but she always got a dainty name, like "Charity"

'cause her parents weren't counting on having a pit bull for a daughter.

"Chef Charity, what would you do if you won today's episode?"

"I would take that money so me and my girlfriend, Steph..."

It's always Steph.

There's no tough lesbians out there like, "Hey there.

Stephanie."

"Me and my girlfriend, Steph, take that money,

move upstate, open up our own bakery and bake everything from snatch."

And then...

Okay. Okay.

There you are. There you are.

Not such a proper Southern crowd, are we?

I always like to see where my audience has like gerrymandered its ethics

for the evening's performance.

Most of you laugh, there's always a couple people in the back, like...

"She said snatch so close to Sunday.

No.