Please Like Me

I am doing a bad job.

I am doing a bad, bad job tonight.

It can't be that bad. Just relax.

No, no, I will not relax. I will not relax.

- What happened? - OK,

so I was talking to this guy and he was attractive

right? I guess, and things got dull

so I told him about Mickey.

- Of course. - Of course.

- Who's Mickey? - Oh, my God, Patrick,

I cannot believe you don't know this. When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend.

His name was Mickey. My dad was like super cute,

always played along with it until one day

I sat my dad down and, I don't know why,

I told my dad that my imaginary friend touched me.

- That's a great story. - It's the best story.

- The boy didn't respond well? - Nup,

night's ruined.

It's finished. I'm too sad.

I can't have fun anymore.

I'm too sad. I can't be happy with all this...

- this stuff going on. - Just because of the boy?

Not just 'cause of the boy, OK.

'Cause of this stuff, you know. The stuff.

What stuff?

North Korea, I don't know.

OK,

- don't take this personally... - But I'm a person, Tom.

I think maybe the reason people don't respond to you well

in nightclubs is because of your sad-as-shit face.

I mean, wow! I mean, that is personal.

Isn't it? That is very personal.

- Very personal, Tom. - It's very personal.

You just have a weird energy in nightclubs.

You suck all the fun out.

You should behave more like Patrick.

- Yeah. - What? Why?

- You're very cool. - I'm not cool.

You're so cool, you're so comfortable with yourself.

Hanging out with your cool gang.

- I just don't think I'm cool. - Fuck off!

What gang, by the way? I don't have a gang.

Not tonight.

- Where's Patrick's gang? - Where's his gang?

- Where's his little gang gone? - And now I remember why

I don't go out with you guys that often.

What do you want to talk about?

What would your cool friends talk about?

Harley-Davidsons?

Ah, you talk about hip-hop music.

- Quinoa. - Quinoa, yeah.

OK,

- we can cheer you up. - You're saying that now, although

in five minutes, you'll just be off kissing some girl.

- So surprisingly good at that. - Why is that surprising?

- It's not that surprising. - Oh, fuck off!

I have moves.

Tom, they only kiss you because you look achievable.

Yeah, that's a move.

Do you guys have a lighter?

No, Patrick. No, we do not have a lighter.

Cool dude Patrick lighting one of his cool dude cigarettes.

Cigarettes are disgusting, OK. You smell so horrible, always.

Smooth.

Too much, yeah?

Too much telling him that he smells horrible.

You are overcompensating very hard to hide your love.

Yeah.

Remember when you told him to fuck off?

- Shut up, OK. - Twice.

Hey, Patrick.

Hi.

- What are you doing? - I'm marketing you.

I'm gonna find you someone to love.

Nup, I think the darkness was my friend.

No, it's like point of sale.

It's like how they make 7-Elevens really bright.

You're just going to attract moths.

I just want to dance, OK.

Can we please just fucking dance?

Did your sluts leave?

Tom had quite a night.

She kept telling me I was evil.

- Over and over and over. - Yeah, I know.

Yeah, I could hear it.

It was terrifying.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

I promise I didn't do anything bad.

Patrick?

He was hot, yeah?

Nup, I couldn't look past the bandana.

It was alright, wasn't it?

It was, like, ironic.

Tom, what could the irony in a bandana be?

That he's wearing it even though he isn't undergoing chemotherapy?

- The guy was an idiot. - Well, I liked the bandana boy.

OK, I'm gonna make some tea. Do you guys want some tea?

- Yes. - Nah,

I'm gonna go back to sleep.

OK.

I thought you were making tea.

I'm not making tea for just you and me. That's ridiculous.

Of course.

My Josh is gay and he says that Oprah isn't good for people

because she keeps telling everyone they can be better

and they probably can't be better, can they?

He says that everybody seems to think

it's really good to be aspirational

but what we need is more people to believe it's really good

just to be satisfied and he thinks that that's what's wrong

and he blames Oprah for that.

I mean, I don't blame Oprah for that.

I mean, it must be really hard to do what she did

while she was struggling with those weight issues.

I think she probably had a thyroid problem.

Well... Ha! You know, we talk about Oprah.

I mean, she's finished now, isn't she?

It's all Ellen now.

Do you know I can't watch that much dancing.

He loves Ellen, loves her.

It's 'cause he's gay.

You know I think what the problem is?

I think everyone is scared of living.

Like, they're scared of their bodies

and they're of what people that they don't care about might think of it

and because they're scared they consume stuff.

And then because of that, the environment's got no chance

and then, like, you know, the polar bears.

Those polar bears have got no chance, the poor things.

Everybody's just a stupid, whining, little bitch.

Scared that cake will make them fat and they're scared of gluten.

Fuck, they're scared of bread.

And peanuts! What is that?

Peanuts, it's ludicrous.

The world's gone completely mad.

And they're scared of sex.

They're scared that people might think they're a slut

or they're gonna get gonorrhoea and they're scared of love

because they think, 'Oh, yeah, someone's going to break my heart.'

Or they're gonna break somebody else's heart.

Oh, that's pretty deep, isn't it?

Everyone's terrified, all the time.

It's just... I mean, I'm not terrified, it's not me.

I'm fine, look I'm really...

In fact, I'm really good, I'm really good.

It's great to be me, warts and farts and all.

It's really satisfying. It's good to be you too, you know?

Can I get a green tea?

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, guys.

Ah, Josh.

G'day, g'day. Josh.

- Hey, little lady. - You want to pick her up?

Oh, no, no, no, that's alright.

I'm good, I'm fine over here.

No, no, no, pick her up. Pick her up.

No, I don't trust myself with her, I'm scared I'll break her.

You can't break them, Josh.

I drop her all the time, Josh.

Go on, pick her up.

I'm just intimidated by her blank, judgemental face.

Oh, rubbish. She is your sister.

She loves you. 'I love you, Josh.'

Alright, here we go. Are you ready?

- Hey. - Come here. Bend down. Oh, yay!

Oh.

Hey.

Do you have the brain capacity to understand love?

Ooh!

- Oh, jeez. - Is that enough?

- Are we done now? - I have to feed her anyway.

Where are you gonna do that?

I'm going into the restroom, OK?

Yeah, do you need a hand?

What exactly is your plan to help me breastfeed, Alan?

You still at uni? Yeah.

- Why wouldn't I be? - I don't know, you don't tell me much anymore.

Yeah, that's not a new thing.

Josh, look, I just wanted to talk today

- about Grace. - OK.

Her being here doesn't change anything between us.

- Yeah. - Hmm.

Where is this coming from?

It's just that... I just want you to know that, you know,

we can still hang out. I'm still available,

- I'm still your Dad, OK. - OK, yeah.

Hanging out the exact same amount, alright.

Any time we're not hanging out, that's not Grace's fault.

I know, but I just don't want you getting jealous.

I can't imagine...

OK, you obviously don't want to talk about it.

Alright, no, it's alright. It's alright.

- Um, have you found a job? - Nah, I'm studying.

- You've been studying for five years. - Yeah, I changed courses.

I'm not even sure what a degree in Creative Industries

actually qualifies you for.

Like, which creative industry?

Film, design, dance?

All of them, any of them, you know.