Vampire in Brooklyn

A long, long time ago, Nosferatu, the undead,

the race of the vampire, were driven from Egypt.

Most fled to the mountains of Transylvania

but others of better taste, including myself,

travelled south through Africa and over the Atlantic

to a beautiful island in the Bermuda Triangle.

There we lived for happy centuries feasting on the blood of travellers,

until discovered by the hunters once again.

Then, the blood that spilled was our own.

l alone escaped but a vampire alone is a vampire doomed.

My only chance was to find the one known offspring of our tribe

that had been born in a foreign land -

a woman somewhere in this place called Brooklyn.

Family Feud brings you the world's first War Of The Showgirls!

Atlantic City versus Las Vegas.

Here's my show! Come on, baby, you make me excited.

Name something a playboy might have made out of silk.

Sheets!

- She ain't gonna get it. - Put me down for ten on the Knicks.

You betting on the Knicks? When will you learn?

Call me! l'm gonna take you for an eight-piece special with biscuit!

Sheets, baby. Sheets! You make me excited.

Come on down.

S-H-E-E-T. Sheets!

- That's what l'm talking about! - Oh, shit.

- The bitch said it! - Let me see...sheets!

Earthquake! Earthquake!

This ain't no earthquake, this is New York, fool!

What was that?

- Oh, shit! - What the fuck is going on?

What the hell happened?

ls this how people come, disrespecting your shit, man?

Ain't that a bitch? What...?

lt's a bird!

Get the hell away from me! Good God, what the hell's happening here?

Damn. Look at this ugly thing.

Who the hell's piloting this vessel, Stevie fucking Wonder?!

Must be a DUl. l don't see no lights.

l don't see no people, either. Damn, look at the time!

l gotta bounce, Unc, l'm supposed to be at my lady's crib.

- Julius, bring your ass back here! - l don't know about this!

l run numbers, you check out spooky-ass ships!

- Go ahead with your bad self. - Chump!

l'm not supposed to be scared, huh?

Ahoy there! Hello!

Ahoy, motherfucker!

Son of a bitch.

Oh, y'all the silent type?

Well, somebody's gonna buy me a new TV!

16-inch colour.

Ahoy there! You in there, somebody?

ls this a joke?

Ahoy!

Arrogant motherfuckers in here don't wanna say nothin'. Shit.

l'm too old for this shit. Ahoy!

Hello.

Help me! Help me!

Oh, help, somebody! Help me!

Help me, please.

That sure as hell wasn't Lassie. Big motherfucker!

Jesus, Mary and Jo-Jo.

Jesus, Mary and Jo-Jo!

Get the hell outta here!

Don't be bringing your nappy black ass back here!

- My Adidas! Damn, what'd l do? - You was snorin'!

- Everybody snores! - Not while they fuckin'!

- Piece of trash! - Eva, come back! l was restin'!

Rest this!

You'll be beggin' me back tomorrow. That's all right.

- That's Julius. He owes you money? - l see him.

Oh, shit. Pizza Man.

- Comin' through! - l'll get you!

You better run! l'm coming after you!

Run, baby. Run!

l'm comin' after you, baby! Yeah! l want you!

Hey, get off my hood, man!

- Mind if l borrow your hat? - Go ahead.

Thank you.

Come on. Hey, man.

Ain't as fast as you used to be, huh, Julius?

- Tony, l didn't know it was you. - Are you mental?

How many times have l gotta tell you? l'm Anthony. He's Tony.

Oh, yeah, that's Tony. Right.

You know. All you gumbas look alike to me.

- You got our money? - Yeah.

- Oh, shit. l had it a minute ago. - Then you're a minute too late.

You don't have to do that to me.

- Who'll take care of my kids? - You don't have any kids.

l'll start.

Don't worry about it, Julius. Nobody's gonna miss you.

Do it.

l wouldn't do that. You might miss the heart.

You aim between the eyes, that way you get a nice, even spray.

- What the hell? - Who the fuck are you?

l'm Maximillian, a connoisseur of death, you might say.

No one takes pride in the art,

it's so rare you come across a clean kill nowadays.

You got two seconds to beat it

or you're gonna share a coffin with Carl Lewis.

- l already have a coffin of my own. - Come on.

- He's no fun. He fell right over. - Some fuckin' wackos in this town.

Let's get back to you, Julius.

l guess you're out of bullets, huh, man?

No, l kept one special just for you.

lnteresting.

l've been stabbed and l've been hanged

and l've been burned, even broken on the rack once,

but l've never been shot before.

lt kind of itches a little. You have quite decent aim, though.

But next time...

put a little heart into it.

Oh, shit!

Don't go away.

He's gonna get it with the gun! No, don't!

Holy shit!

He ain't gonna get me!

l've seen it all. l'm getting my ass the hell out of Brooklyn.

l'm going to the islands, somewhere peaceful.

Coney lsland. Ryker's lsland. Devil's lsland.

- Let me light that for you. - Oh, shit!

Hey, yo, l don't know how you know me but...

everything is everything, l ain't seen nothing.

So you jump back through the window

cos l ain't really seen you, l'm blind!

l got cataracts, l mean contacts. l got astigmatism, man. l'm blind.

Where you at? See? Where you at?

l saw you at the docks. You're a liar, a thief and a cheat.

No, that's my brother Miles. l'm honest.

Well, that's unfortunate because that's what l liked about you.

Hey, easy, bro. You ain't got to pull that Blacula shit with me.

lf you're hungry, l'll run you down the KFC and get you a two-piece.

l already had ltalian.

You're going to make me think you don't like me.

Wouldn't want to do that, now, would we?

l got nothing but love for you, baby.

Hey, what the fuck are you doing?

Welcome to the party, Julius.

- Oh, shit! - lt hurts, doesn't it?

Pain is an underrated experience but it happens to be my speciality

and like it or not, you belong to me now.

H-hey, bro, why you do that? lt feels kinda...kinda right.

Because l need your eyes in the day and your services at night.

But first l need my coffin. Come!

Wait! Where you going?

What's up? You ain't gonna be sucking my neck?

Why? You're my ghoul now. l need you to help me find a woman.

A woman? You came to the right spot. Brooklyn's full of hos.

l'm not interested in your hos. l'm looking for a special woman,

one of my kind, the only one like her in the world.

As l've come to her, she'll soon come to me like a moth to a flame.

So you're checking for a vampster bitch?

Half vampire and she's ignorant of it.

The other half sleepwalks in humanity

but l can cure that if l find her before the next full moon.

- Here? - Yes, here. Somewhere in Brooklyn.

This night shift is kicking my ass. How come you never get tired?

l've always been more of a night person myself.

This is a good one, listen up now.

''Your faith will be tested as a loved one dances with death.

''Beware the dark stranger

''and when all's lost, look to your soul for the answers.''

- l wouldn't wanna be you this week. - This is your horoscope, not mine.

That's my horoscope? Oh, shit.

We have no information on the cause of death

but all bodies so far seem drained of blood.

- What the hell is this, Captain? - Love Boat came in a few hours ago.

There was 18 that we know of. Whole gang's DOA.

Aw, jeez. Ship's log?

Sort of - half rotten and it's in a strange language.

Sent it to NYU to see if they could figure it out.

- Witnesses? - Night watchman, Silas Green.

Let him tell you what he thinks he saw.

All right.

- Hey, Rita. - Hey.

- How's your new partner holding up? - She's cool, she just needs time.

She's had three months already.

l know her mother just died in a nuthouse but she's got a job to do.

She's a good cop. She'll surprise you.

That's what l'm afraid of.

- l got it. - Kinda narrow here.

- Watch your step, lady. - Excuse me.

My back is killing me. How many more we got?

15 of them left.

- Careful there. - Give me your light.

You need a cast-iron stomach.

So you say you saw a...a what?

lt was a wolf, goddammit! Big, black-ass wolf!

Motherfucker jumped off the boat, ran over there

and the son of a bitch turned into a man! Did the flip-flop shit on me!

Just like a whore l knew in Detroit in '62, '63.

l'd go over her house Saturday night,

l come through the door, she's a man! Flip-floppin' and shit!

You ever had a motherfucker flip-flop on you, going crazy and shit?

So the wolf you saw looked something like that?

The wolf? That's a chihuahua compared to the motherfucker come at me!

You're crazy. You seen a wolf, man?

- Yeah. - To the 25th power!

You people belong behind the line!

- Hey, B, where's your coffin at? - lt's on the boat.

On the boat? Shit, we can't get it now, look at all these cops.