Superstar

There are two different ways of getting into a swimming pool.

The first way, you take your toe...

And you carefully test the water's temperature.

And if that feels okay, slowly get into the water,

letting your body adjust to the cold.

Then there's the second way of getting into a pool.

Ah! You jump.

That's me, Mary Katherine Gallagher.

It's nice to meet you.

Okay. Now, they say that God works in mysterious ways.

And in my case, very mysterious.

Anyway, this is my story, and you should pay attention

'cause it's starting right now.

Mmm.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Your birthmark looks like shit.

So, you're okay?

Yeah.

Lifeguard! (LAUGHS)

Ah!

I grew up in a little town called Besamee Heights.

It's this really friendly place

where everyone likes to say, "Hi."

Hi, there. Hi, neighbor.

I grew up in what people called the ugliest house,

with the ugliest lawn and the ugliest dog.

My mom and dad died in this horrible accident when I was a baby,

so my grandmother took care of me.

And my grandmother was in an accident, too.

Actually, most of my family had gotten hurt at some point.

We're sort of accident prone.

I'm off.

Now, my grandmother used to always say that when I grow up,

I should become a businesswoman.

But I didn't really think about business,

mostly because I couldn't stop thinking about the one thing

that I wanted more than anything in the world.

A kiss. A big Hollywood fireworks type of kiss.

So each night before I went to bed,

I would pray for God to help me.

And please, God, send me someone to make out with

and tongue kiss like this.

Then one day while me and my grandmother

were watching some old movie, it hit me.

There was only one way I'd ever get what I wanted.

I would have to become exactly like those people

I saw getting kissed in the movies.

I would have to become...

A superstar.

Ooh, ah.

This is St. Monica's.

It was the first place I really thought

I had a chance of making my dream come true.

Superstar!

Amen.

Shh.

Sorry.

So I tried out for every star-making activity that St. Monica's offered.

Higher. Higher. Like ballet.

Ooh! Oh.

And my gymnastics tryout didn't go very well either.

Whoa!

Evian Graham, the most beautiful, most popular,

most bulimic girl at St. Monica's.

Summer, Autum, I need your help.

Yes, Evian? Yes, Evian?

We could either organize a walkathon to fight multiple sclerosis,

or a bike-athon to fight polio.

What'll it be?

Hmm?

All the boys liked her,

I think because she had a nice body.

(GIRLS CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

Ah. What are you looking at, boobsweat?

Nothing.

It's called a bra, Mary.

But don't worry. You'll never need one.

Ah! Ow!

You hurt my titty.

I'm sorry.

You had a little spot there on your brassiere,

and I was just trying to...

Wipe it off.

I'm sorry.

I got this after-school job

at Kip's Video Warehouse as the rewind girl.

So that I could study as many superstars as possible.

I thought the more movies I watched,

the more they'd rub off on me,

and people said that they did.

Especially movies like Carrie,

starring academy award winner, Sissy Spacek.

(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV)

What are you doing?

I'm using my telekinesis

to kill the girl who threw pig's blood on me at the prom.

Okay.

Kip also had those made-for-television movies which I love.

Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

It has been two days since my last confession.

Go ahead. Tell me your sins, my child.

Father, my sins would best be expressed

in a monologue from the made-for-TV movie Sybil,

starring the young Miss Sally Field

as a woman with multiple personality disorder.

Go ahead.

Ah, look at you,

my pretty little girl,

sitting there with her face all painted up

and a little halter top.

You're nothing but a little slut.

Don't call me that. I'm a Puerto Rican lady, senor.

We all know you're a slut, Sybil Anne Dorsett.

We know you're a little slut.

No, I'm not! I'm not a slut!

I'm not a slut! I'm not a slut!

I'm not a slut! I'm not a slut! I ain't no slut!

Sorry. Sorry.

I'm not a slut.

No big deal.

The more I kept trying to become a superstar,

the less they thought I was one.

In fact, they had all these other names for me.

Hey, lesbo.

Dogface. Panty stain.

And they also called me... Skid mark.

Nipple hair.

Lame. Loser.

Did I say lesbo?

Are you aware that I am rubber and you are glue,

and everything that you say to me

bounces off of me and sticks to you?

So put that in your back pocket. Okay.

And then I saw the one who I wanted to kiss.

Sam, what's up? Hey, Greg.

Dig the sneaks. Thanks.

Debbie, shaved your legs.

Hey, Tom, sorry your dad's dead.

It was him.

Sky Corrigan.

The best guy dancer in the school.

* Don't stop it

I call this one the pepper mill.

* Don't stop, Don't stop it *

Enjoy.

* Don't, Don't, Don't, Don't stop it *

Uh-oh. Is that the prettiest girl in all of St. Monica's?

All signs point to "yes."

I bet you put that cherry lip gloss on just for me.

Shut up. You shut up.

No, you shut up.

Make me shut up.

Okay.

I like sugar.

Sugar is sweet.

I had a really good time on our date last night. Did you?

I wore this kiwi lime lip gloss just for you.

You like it? Huh?

You like kiwi?

Shut up.

You shut up. 'Cause you're sexy.

Shh. Shh.

I'm gonna spank you. You wanna be spanked?

Huh? You want me to spank your booty?

I'll spank it. I'll spank it. I'll spank you.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Oh, God.

Oh, my body.

Sorry. Sorry. I was...

I was just...

I was just doing my part to save the rain forest.

Sorry.

Mary, you're a special girl,

so special that we're going to put you in special ed.

What are you doing with your hands?

Sometimes when I get nervous,

I stick my fingers under my arms,

and I smell them like that.

The universe, how does it work?

The earth circles around the sun.

Mary, welcome to special ed.

My name is Helen Lewengrub.

Is that all you got?

She was center for the girls basketball team,

and she was a lean, mean fighting machine.

Do you have a best friend?

You wanna be my best friend?

Maybe. Okay.

I have to be really honest with you.

Your intense energy is making me feel a little bit bombarded.

Sorry.

Really.

When I call your name, just say, "Here." Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?