Legit

Hey!

Jim!

Oh, my God! Somebody call 911!

Hey, Jim.

You've been through the wars, buddy.

You got yourself a little scratch.

Hey, man.

Uh, what, uh, what's happened?

You were shot, Jim.

H-how long have I been in here?

A couple of days.

Where's Steve? Where... Is he okay?

Oh, yeah, Steve's fine.

He went off to get a couple of sodas.

He's quite the hero.

The doctors said if it wasn't for him stopping the blood,

you'd been a goner.

Hi.

Steve.

Thank you so much.

No problem, man.

Mr. Jefferies. How are you feeling?

I feel amazing.

That would be the morphine.

When it starts to wear off,

just click the button next to your bed.

It's on a timer.

So, uh, what's... What do we do now?

Well, I'm gonna prescribe you some medication for the pain...

Oxycontin and some Ambien to help you sleep...

but you're free to go home.

Oh, my gosh. Look at all these reporters.

Here we go.

Get out of the way!

Jim! Jim!

All right, you parasites, come on! What's going on?

Jim! Jim, how are you feeling right now?

Uh, never felt better.

Jim, what do you want to say to the guy who shot you?

I'm sure the police are doing everything they can.

How do you feel about gun control now?

I don't think about it.

Come on, Jim, talk to us! Is it true this was all a hoax?

Don't worry about them, man. Don't worry about them.

Surprise!

Oh, my God! Jim!

See, I like you. You're not afraid of balloons.

Cheers, everybody.

Hey, sorry about that. I, uh, had a moment.

Uh, this is really nice. Thank you.

Let's have some fun, right? It's a party.

Get back to it. Come on.

Got a little something for you, Jim. Give it to him, babe.

Take it.

Yeah?

So, all I have to do to get free coke is get shot.

That's very sweet of you.

Enjoy.

To be honest with you,

I'm not really the guy to even talk to about this.

I don't remember a single... Steve saw it.

You should ask Steve. He knew...

Look, Forrest, just take it. It's fine.

Doctor said

bullet went in one side of the shoulder and out the other

and it didn't hit any arteries and I'm gonna be fine.

I got the same injury in laser tag.

Yeah, I remember that. Yeah.

You're very luck, amigo.

It's funny. I don't... I don't feel very lucky.

Could be in one of these.

I think you are pretty lucky.

Hey, Jim! How are you doing, pal?

I've been better.

Yeah. Listen, I got you a cookie tree.

Everybody else got you flowers. I thought that was kind of gay.

Cookie trees are super masculine.

What are you doing here, Mike?

You getting shot

was just the shot in the arm your career needed,

and I am gonna make you the biggest stand-up comedian

in the world.

But, Mike, you're not my agent anymore.

You fired me.

I didn't fire you. I quit.

You don't need to do anything, I don't need an agent,

'cause I'm not gonna be doing stand-up anymore.

What? What are you gonna do, Jim?

I'm just gonna, um, clear my head,

stay here, and I'm gonna get better.

- Wait, just one se... - Hey! Hands off, man.

He got shot.

All right, look. AEG wants to do a world tour.

They want to call it "The Right to Bear Arms."

The poster is you, sleeveless, showing off the wound.

Eight months, 100 cities, $1.2 million minimum... minimum.

Dollars?

Jim, you're famous. Don't you get it?

You're in.

No? That's it?

That's it.

Okay, well, then, you know what? You're fired.

You can't fire me. I haven't rehired you.

All right, then, I quit again.

There's nothing to quit.

Okay. Fine. Fine. Then, you know what?

Have a nice life, and, uh, good luck with this.

Oh, damn it!

Do you have to play this so loud?

Oh, sorry. I was practicing.

We can turn it down, yeah?

Why don't we just, uh, turn it off altogether?

How long was I out for?

A few hours.

Oh, man, I'm having some dreams.

It was real vivid sort of... I can remember the shooting alm...

Look, j... can you just turn it off?!

I'm trying, Jim. I'm trying.

For the love of God, man! It's the A/V button!

No, don't answer it. It's just another reporter.

Can I help you?

- Is Jim here? - Yes.

Hi... everyone.

Katie, what are you doing here?

I just... I wanted to stop by and make sure you were okay.

Uh, Walter, um, I think we should be going.

- Good idea. - Yeah, let's give the boy some space.

See you guys.

Hey, why don't you two come outside

and, uh, help me get rid of some of this trash?

Okay, I'll help, but why are we bringing Billy?

You have to go. Y-you can't be here.

I don't need your husband kicking my head in.

Guess I'll go then.

It's nothing personal, Kate, you see.

I just don't need a train wreck in my life.

Wait, what did you think this was?

Oh, I don't know. You rushed over to see me.

You obviously still have feelings for me that you can't control.

Jim, this was me coming by to check on a friend.

Friend? We're not friends.

We had sex. That's not a friend-like activity.

Friends go out to bars, movies, ball games. That's what friends do.

I... I can't... I don't think...

I've never fingered a friend.

Oh, my God. You are such a dick.

You know, I'm sorry I was worried.

Wow, those meds are great, huh?

Yeah, except I can't get hard anymore,

which I don't really mind since I can't jerk off anyway.

Morning, guys.

You want us to turn this off?

No, it's all right. Keep practicing.

You ready for your big day tomorrow?

Oh, yeah. I don't care who I play...

Asian kid, fat, nerdy kid, whatever.

How you feeling?

I feel like dog shit and cat shit

mixed in with, like, human shit.

Hurts, huh?

Yeah, it hurts being shot.

It's all right.

I took a couple oxycontins. They should kick in soon.

Be careful with those, man.

Who ate all my lasagna?!

- What? - What?

And the cookie tree?

Wait, wait, wait. Are you serious?

You bastards!

Billy, I get shot, people are nice enough to buy me food,

and you eat all my shit!

You ate it.

I never had any food.

Yes, you did.

You came out of your room, went straight in the kitchen,

opened the fridge, took out the lasagna,

and started scarfing it down with your one good hand.

Yeah, show him.

- Yeah. - I don't need to see.

- Oh, yes, you do. This is great. - No, it's pretty funny.

What are you doing, Jim?

I don't know.

Why wouldn't you wake me up?

- And why'd you film this? - We tried!

Oh, man, it was best just to get out of your way.

Ow!

It's... maybe it's the Ambien. How many of those you taking?

I took like two before I went to bed. That's it.

No, you also took one between the lasagna and the cookie tree.

You called it your palate cleanser.

Look!

Man, you got to watch how many of those you take.

- Yeah, that's what kills people. - What am I going to do?

I'm in a lot of pain. I can't sleep.

Well, you just got to keep track of it.

All right.

I am going to write down every time you take something.

This is good. This is gonna work.

We should call this my "Heath Ledger."

Yeah, it's funny,